Wednesday, April 27, 2005

   Itachi The Stoner
hahaha...this is from a FanFic...Itachi is in it and he is a stoner...hahaha...it has lots of bad words in it...soo..if you dont like bad words...dont read it...

Sweet Nice Hinata was now running down the sidewalk, breathlessly whispering to herself as she morphed into Big Bad Hinata: "Anko-san is right! Who cares what other people think??? I'm in the business of making myself feel better, not making other people feel better! I hate everyone! Well, except for my dear Narutokun, that is..."

She saw two tall cloak-clad men up ahead, and she said to herself, "Ok, Anko-san, this is it! I am about to punch these two guys in the face!"

Uchiha Itachi yawned as he fired up yet another grass joint. "Duuuude, Kisame, you were sooooo way lucky back there, dude!"

Fresh from his near death drowning experience, Hoshikigi Kisame was gingerly rubbing his throat. "What are you talking about, Itachi? I almost drowned!"

"Oh yeah, huh." Itachi scratched his head, then shrugged it off. "But still, like, Kisame bro, you got mouth to mouth resuscitation with that hot chick Kurenai, man! That musta been awesome, what did it feel like!"

"To be honest, I don't remember. I was unconscious at the time."

"Well, shoot, it looked pretty good from the sidelines, dude." Itachi grumbled as he kicked at the dirt. "Afterwards, I asked that Kurenai chick if she wanted do mouth to mouth with me, but she said sumthin like, no way, man, you're not hurt and stuff, you dont need resuscitation blah blah blah. So I was like, seriously babe, I gotta be unconscious for you to give me some lip? And she was like, yeah, that's correct. So I was like, ok babe, I'll just make myself unconscious or something."

Kisame gave Itachi a strange look. "Make yourself unconscious?"

"Yeah," said Itachi. "I tried to knock myself out by kicking myself in the head, but my foot couldn't quite reach up there, god damn it. And I was kinda tipsy at the time, so I just ended up falling down a lot. So I quit that, and then I rammed my head against a telephone pole a couple times. But that didn't work, so I - "

A stammering voice quavered from behind: "Um, ex-ex-ex-excuse me, but may I punch you in the face?"

Kisame and Itachi turned around to see a tiny little Hyuuga girl before them. And Kisame said, "Hey, haven't I seen you before somewhere - "

Pow! A little fist planted itself into the sharkman's nose.
Kisame was obviously not injured, but he was too shocked to respond in any shape or form. Meanwhile, Itachi was blinking at the blatant act of hostility. Then he started to laugh out loud. "Dude, Kisame, you just got hit by a kid, dude, hahaha - "

Pow! A little fist planted itself into the Uchiha's nose.
"Ow." Itachi grabbed his bruised nose. "That was so not cool, man."

Big Bad Hinata stood there with clenched fists, huffing and puffing, waiting while the two Akatsuki guys stood and contemplated the fact that a little puny Leaf genin had dared to punch them square in the face... Actually, Itachi didn't really care about Hinata or the bruise on his nose. He was more concerned about the fact that his weed had fallen to the ground, and the gusty breeze was blowing it farther and farther away from him with every passing moment.

With a face of palpable horror, the Uchiha ninja desperately chased after his airborne joint as he called out, "Shit! Come back here, my little baby! Come back to papa!" But the joint refused to obey its owner, and it floated off into the distance with the elder Uchiha in hot pursuit...

As Itachi's pleas faded away, Kisame and Hinata were now left alone in a stand off, glaring at each other. And Hinata was starting to sweat bullets, even though Hinata was now BIG BAD HINATA. She could not ignore the fact that this Kisame guy was twice her height, five times her body weight, and roughly 1,289,754,698,345,879 times more powerful than she was.

But she was not going to stand down! She was not going to run away! That was her ninja way!
Kisame growled, "I know you. You're the girl who pretended to be the shark back at the beach, and almost made me drown in fright!"

Big Bad Hinata refused to flinch, as she stammered, "Y-y-yeah, so w-w-what's it to y-y-you, poopy face???"

He informed her, "That wasn't very nice, you know."

"It's y-y-your fault, y-y-y-you were the one who almost cut off N-N-N-Narutokun's leg!"

"So, you like that Nine Tails kid, huh???" Kisame sneered now. "Too bad he barely even noticed you back there! And what's with your stammering, you little runt???" Kisame mocked her now with his own stammer. "Are y-y-y-you too s-s-s-scared to speak clearly???"

Hinata shouted back, "I'm not s-s-s-scared of y-y-you! Narutokun wasnt scared of y-y-you, and neither am I-I-I-I!"

Kisame laughed as he whipped out his trusty Samehada sword. "Ok, tell you what, kid! How about I cut off both your leg and his leg? That way, you two will have something in common, for once! Hahahaha!"

He held up the Samehada for her to see, as the blade started to wriggle to life. "See this here? This is my Samehada blade! This handy thing sucks up chakra like nobody's business, and in about five seconds, you're gonna be out of chakra and knocking on death's door, little girl!"

Hinata cringed in terror as Kisame lowered the Samehada towards her -
"Aaaahhhhh!" Kisame yelled in pain as he suddenly dropped to the ground, writhing in agony. "Nooo, what's going on??? I don't understand! Why!"

Hinata blinked in surprise. "Are you okay?"

Kisame shouted, "Damn it, this stupid Samehada is sucking up my chakra again! You dumbass sword, you're supposed to suck away HER chakra, not MY chakra - aaaaaargh! Oh, it burns! It burns!"

Hinata watched in a mixture of confusion and disbelief as the sharkman rolled about on the ground, wrestling with his own sword. Kisame was grinding his teeth in fury as he punched and kicked his own weapon repeatedly. "You little punk, I'll teach you to mess with your master! Fucking hell, I knew I should have included an on/off switch when I forged your lousy no-good ass! You're going down, you shitty chunk of steel! You hear me? You're going DOWN!"

Two minutes later, a stupefied Hinata was staring down at an unconscious Kisame and a victorious Samehada. And the Hyuuga girl was taking great care to keep her distance from the blade, which seemed to be rippling in contentment inside its bandages -

"Yo, Kisame, whatcha doing?" Itachi was finally back, and he looked down at his face down partner, then he looked to Hinata. "Dude, what's going on here?"

"I-I-I'm not sure. I think his own s-s-s-sword beat him up."

"Huh. Figures. I warned the dude." Itachi shook his head. "I kept telling him, dude, you gotta stop whacking your sword against the ground all the time, man, you can't mistreat your swords like that, swords got feelings, too, you know."

Hinata gave Itachi a strange look. "They do?"

"Yeah, they do, they're always talking and complaining to me all the time, like, especially when I'm feeling high and stuff. Like, the other day, I was talking with one of my kunai, and it was telling me about these aliens from outer space which looked like really big cubes of strawberry jello - "

Hinata interrupted, "Um, I think I should be g-g-g-g-going now."

"Oh man, you do? Hey, before you go, you got any money I can borrow?"

"Why do you need money?"

"I need money to buy some more weed, man. I lost my joint in the wind, and that joint was my last one."

"Sorry, I don't think I should be giving you any money." Hinata shook a stern finger at Itachi. "Drugs are bad for you."

"No way, man, marijuana is harmless, man, it doesn't do bad stuff to your brain, it's got actual medicinal value, there's been actual clinical studies and stuff. And you can, like, make a lot of rope out of its plant leaves or something. Anyways, dude, come on, lemme have a couple bucks, that's all I'm asking."

"No! You and that shark guy were mean to Narutokun!"

"Dude." Itachi sadly shook his head. "I guess you leave me no choice..." He closed his eyes. "Hey kid, you know why the Uchiha clan is the strongest clan of them all?"

Hinata blinked in curiosity. "Um, no. Why?"

"Because of this!" Itachi's eyes flashed open, his Sharingan fully activated. "Tsukiyomi, dude!"

And with that, Hinata blacked out...

Hinata woke up to find herself sitting on a little wooden chair on a spooky inky black grass plain underneath a spooky bloody dark red sky. It was eerliy silent, and she had no idea what was happening as she wondered out loud, "Am I... am I dead?"

A negative-colored Itachi appeared in front of her, waving hello. "Nope, you not dead, kid, you still alive, kid."

"But... what is this place?"

"You're caught inside my ultimate genjutsu, Tsukiyomi, where you will now suffer 72 straight hours of unbearable and unspeakable torture. In other words, major bummer for you, dude."

Hinata swallowed hard at that. "72 hours??? Isn't that a bit much?"

"Hey, it would be over a lot quicker if you'd just give me your money."

"No, I'm not giving you any of my money!"

Itachi frowned, and he held out a hand. "Dude, I'm not playing, I'm serious. Give me your money."

"No!"

Another Itachi appeared now, also holding out his hand. "Dude, give me your money."

"No!"

Another Itachi appeared. And another. And another, as they all clamored with waiting outstretched hands: "Dude, give me your money."

"Nooooo!"

Hinata screamed and thrashed about inside her chair as hundreds and hundreds of Itachis surrounded her, all holding out their hands as they endlessly bugged her for money, the word "dude" echoing back and forth between her ringing ears -

Suddenly it all stopped. And Hinata blinked as she realized that there was only one Itachi again.

Itachi said, "Man, you're a pretty tough nut to crack. But it's ok, I'll just read your mind, dredge up your deepest and darkest fear, and then bombard you with that fear. Then you'll have no choice but to give me your money."

Hinata was sweating as she panted, "No, you wouldn't, you couldn't - "

Naruto's voice filled the air: "Sakurachan, I love you so much!"
Sakura's voice filled the air: "Narutokun, I love you even more!"

Hinata spun in her chair to see Naruto and Sakura holding each other in a deep embrace, sucking hard on each others lips like a pair of vacuum cleaners stuck on overdrive. And the Hyuuga girl screamed, "Noooo! Stop it, Narutokun, stop it, get away from her - "

She was surrounded by hundreds of embracing Narutos and Sakuras, all of them making hundreds of loud smacking smooching sounds as they kissed each other. "Oh Narutokun, I love you!" "Oh Sakurachan, you're the only one for me!" "Oh dear, I need a backrub, would you please, my dear Narutokun!" "Of course I will, my darling Sakurachan!"

Poor Hinata screamed anguished gibberish while Itachi cackled like the evil bastard that he was. "Stop! Stop it! Please!" Hinata was openly crying now. "Please stop! Fine, fine, I'll give you my money, just make it stop!"

Back to the real world now. A crying Hinata suddenly snapped out of it and took her money pouch out of her jacket's pocket. "Here, you cruel heartless bastard, here! Take it all! Take all of my money!"

Itachi yawned as he took the pouch from her and peered inside. "Thanks, dude - damn, you got a hundred bucks in here??? Shoot, you Hyuugas are fricking loaded! Man, anyways, sorry about that, okay? No hard feelings, right?"

"Be quiet! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Waaaah!"
Hinata turned away from him as she sobbed quietly to herself, and Itachi winced as he shifted uncomfortably in his shoes. He wasn't a totally heartless bastard, after all, even though he had killed his entire clan and stuff, and he kinda felt sorry for her. So he hesitantly said, "Hey, kid, you know what? How about I give you some tips on how to become stronger?"

Hinata screamed, "Don't talk to me! You're MEAN!"

"Hey kid, I really mean it, I'll help you out!"

Itachi really did sound like he meant it, so Hinata looked up from her hands. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. Ok, how about this? Tell me what jutsu you want to learn, and I'll teach it to you."

She immediately answered, "Hakkeshou 64 Palms!"

"Uh... Hakke 64?" Itachi grimaced. "Sorry, I seen that jutsu, but I can't do it. I can't close up them tenketsus if I can't see them, you know."

Hinata wailed in dismay, "I can't see the tenketsus either! That meanie Neji can see them, but I can't! Waaaah, it's just not fair!"

Itachi solemnly asked, "You can't see the tenketsus, huh?"

"No, I can't, and it's not fair! I try so hard, but no matter how hard I focus, I only see these little blurs all over the place!"

"You see little blurs, huh? Weird..." Itachi thought a little bit, then held up his hand. "Yo Hinata, how many fingers am I holding up?"

Hinata immediately said, "Three."

Itachi looked at the four fingers he was currently holding up. "Uh, you sure?"

She nodded zealously. "Absolutely sure!"

"Final answer?"

"Well..." Hinata fidgeted a bit now. "I'm pretty sure you're holding up three fingers... maybe four? Or five?"

"Dude, what the fuck, I'm holding up four fingers! Man, you can't see too good, can you?"

Hinata broke down and started to cry once again. "No, I can't! I can't see well at all! I'm the shame of the Hyuuga family, I don't have 20/20 vision, I am NEARSIGHTED! I am just a worthless little miserable monster that my father hates - "

Itachi interrupted, "Hey kid, you know what? I ain't gonna teach you a jutsu. Instead, I'm gonna help you see tenketsus, all right?"

Hinata stopped crying. "You will??"

"Yeah. Let's go take a walk." He turned to the unconscious Kisame. "Kisame, bro, we'll be right back, okay? Okay, good. Catch u later."

"Ugh," moaned Kisame.

Hinata and Itachi were now standing in front of the Konoha Optometrist office, and the Hyuuga girl was deathly pale in fright.

"No, no, no, no, I can't go in there, Itachisan!" Hinata feverishly shook her head. "My father forbids me from ever going in there, lest we become the laughingstock of the entire village!"

"Dude, fuck that. You always do what your father tells you?"

"Um. Yes?"

"Oh man, you serious? Man... hey kid, last time my father told me to go do something, you know what I did?"

"What?"

"I killed him, my mother, and my entire clan."

Hinata didn't know what to say, other than: "Oh wow."

"Yeah, wow." Itachi nodded. "Anyway, you get the idea. You don't gotta kill your pops and clan and stuff, but someday, you gotta step up and shove it back into his face, you know? And today could be that day, man. Today, you could be deliberately disobeying his stuffy ass by walking into this optometrist office here and getting your eyes fixed and stuff."

"And then... if I get my eyes fixed... will I be able to see tenketsus???"

"Never know until you try, kid. How about it?"

Hinata brightened up into a brilliant smile as she started towards the front entrance. "Okay, I'll do it!"

A couple hours later. Itachi was sitting in the lobby of the optometrist office, his butt buried inside a comfy couch as he read the latest issue of Time Magazine. But now he could hear someone approaching, and he looked up from the periodical to see the eye doctor guy.

"Yo, how did the eye exam go, dude?"

"It went just fine, although I must admit, I was surprised that a Hyuuga would have such flawed eyesight." The eye doctor waved a couple elaborate printed out graphs in his hand. "Her eyesight is so bad, laser surgery is out of the question. But with her new pair of glasses, her vision should be just fine."

"She got new glasses now? Tight." Itachi looked around. "Where is she? I wanna check out the new frames."

"She'll come out soon enough. She's a bit embarrassed, you know, her being a Hyuuga who needs to wear glasses and all. Does her father know about this - "

"Fuck her father." Itachi stood up. "Dude, Hinata, get out here so I can check your frames."

A nervous wavering voice squeaked from the doctor's office: "Um... okay... I'm coming out..."

Hinata stumbled out of the office, trying to hide the shiny bright black horn rimmed glasses which now rested on her nose. "Please don't laugh at me, Itachisan! These frames were the only ones sturdy enough which could support the thickness of the lenses - "

"Hahahahahaha!" Itachi pointed a finger and laughed out loud in her face. "Dude, you look like a fucking nerd!"

Hinata shrieked in agony. "I do??? Waaah, I don't want to look like a nerd - "

Itachi stopped laughing. "But who fucking cares. Now you can see tenketsus and stuff, and that's all that counts."

"Can I see tenketsus now?" Hinata did a hand seal and said, "Byakugan!" Her eyes did that crazy bulging veins shit, and then she practically jumped for joy as she realized that she could see the tenketsus of both the eye doctor and Itachi. "You're right, Itachisan! I can see tenketsus now! I can see them!"

"Awesome." Itachi turned to the eye doctor. "Hey man, how much do those things cost, anyway?"

"One hundred dollars."

The elder Uchiha and the Hyuuga girl gagged at the astonishing price. Itachi exclaimed, "Oh crap! Those nerdy things cost a hundred bucks???"

"That's right. One hundred even."

"No fricking way," Itachi said. "You know how much weed (hahahaha) I could buy with a hundred bucks??? A whole fricking lot, that's how much - "

Hinata nervously asked, "Itachisan, um, could I have my money back?"

Itachi frowned down at her. "Huh?"

"I don't have any money left..."

"Really? Oh well. Tough. Guess you gotta return those glasses."

Hinata wailed, "But Itachisan, you promised! You promised you would help me see tenketsus!"

"Oh yeah, I did, huh? Man, this is tough. I wanna get me some more pot, but on the other hand, it'd be cool if you could have those glasses..." Itachi thought about it for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "I got it. I know how to solve this problem."

Hinata and the eye doctor both said, "How?"

Itachi grabbed the eye doctor by the neck and snapped his spinal cord in half, instantly killing the poor fella. "There. Now we don't got to pay the guy no more."

Hinata gasped, "Itachisan! You can't do that!"

"Yeah, I can. I'm a badass motherfucker, and badass motherfuckers can do whatever they want."

Hinata gazed sadly upon the fallen corpse. "But... but... the nice man didn't deserve to die..."

She started to sniffle, and Itachi groaned, "Man, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known that you were gonna cry about it so damned much. Come on, let's get out of here before the ANBU arrive. Those dudes smell freshly spilled blood from a mile away."

They were outside of the office now, and Itachi was handing back the hundred bucks to a surprised Hinata. "Hey, take this, kid. I don't want it anymore."

Hinata slowly took the crumpled bills from him, wondering out loud, "But Itachisan... what about... what about your drugs?"

"Don't worry, I raided five hundred from the eye doc's cash register. I'll still get mine."

"Oh." Hinata supposed that she should feel bad about the eye doctor's death and all, but curiously enough, she was feeling great, thanks to her new glasses! "Thanks, Itachisan, for everything! I feel like a new person now!"

hahaha...ill post more some other time...hahaha...good stuff...

-Duo(-_-')
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