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Since I'm at that point in my life where I'm bombarded by epiphanies and such, I've decided to write on this one abit. But it seems easier to say in my mind and to my friends than out loud.
I guess it wasn't till yesterday when I was sittting in a small corner of the cafeteria that i looked around and realized "This is why me and Brittney couldn't find a seat in here...." It wasn't just that fact that it was crowded because alot of places weren't. It was the cliques, and groups of friends everywhere. Some had known each other since middle school. Some had just met their freshman year. Alot were friends with me. But it was then that I felt I knew why they looked at me funny when I sat down with them, or moved my stuff when I tried to save myself a seat at their table. I just don't belong with anyone. I don't have any friends from middle school to talk to, simply because I went to a middle school where most of my time was spent being made fun of. I have no friends from freshman year because I exchanged schools. And even then, my friends from middle school either ignore me, or are too busy with their new lives and new friends to bother with me. And I'm so tired of being pushed aside because there's no room for me at all. I can see through all the fake smiles and false happiness at talking to me or meeting me. The strain on their faces like they really don't want to be bothered with me. I haven't any friends I can hang out with afterschool or on the weekend. No one calls me on the long breaks to invite me anywhere. Even my college friends have moved on and would rather each other than their little sister. My nerd friends are bonded and gone, my drama friends are bonded and gone...I'll leave high school without one bit of that "missing us hanging out,. call me over the summer" feeling. I always though it was all supposed to get better in high school, but in a way it's gotten worse. No one makes fun of me, because no one notices me.
*sigh*
I don't know if it's something wrong with me or what I know I'm lame and what not. Maybe I''m annoying or something. If that's the case, why don't you just tell me already!! I've done everything I can think of to make my life more comfortable or happy, but nothing seems to work at all...
The cure to my misery in middle school was to be cormforted my a certain someone, but in high school, I have nothing but the bitterness of real life to look forward to. No I see why people give up.
If it wasn't for my boyfriend,my best friend,and my faith, I think I would just give up as well.
I know you are probably sick of me by now. Chances are, that's probably why you don't talk to me as much as you used to now...
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friends that aren't
