Thursday, February 7, 2008

I play the jester
It's a bittersweet night. Erm.. Morning, I should say. It's currently 3:41 AM and this is the second time I'm writing up this post. I was writing it in Word, but the bastard program quit on me and autorecovered one half of the first fucking paragraph. I also tore a little hole to the left of my tongue while eating a super crispy french fry. Honestly, how the fuck does that happen? It only hurts when I touch it with my tongue.. Otherwise, it gives off a constant weird throbbing.

So, you'll notice that I'm going to whine a lot in this post. The best part is that these issues aren't anything big. They're just a collection of little problems, building up a Megazord of sorts, bringing me down. It's all in my head, I say. Allll in my head.

Since I'm putting classes in top priority, I'll start with that. Like I mentioned the other day, I had a list of things to do. I've started on most of them, including a number of the illustrations I wish to put in my portfolio. I also have a marketing project that I really need to advance. It's basically an assignment where we get to make up any product or service, then use our marketing skills to promote it. When I say "anything", I bloody mean ANYTHING. I have classmates who've made up time traveling devices, education VR helmets, and even a cell phone that stores "physical stuff". Don't ask me how that works. Anyway, since Molly asked, my invention is a dream recorder. I thought it'd be really sweet to have something like that because oftentimes, drams are lost the second we wake up. Only the memory of enjoying that dream remains with us. I have a lot of other promo ideas for it, but I'll keep it. So yeah. I have to so some preliminary sketches soon.

As for creating my resume, I... haven't exactly started that yet. I'm getting advice and help from all directions. I just need to pick what's right for me. I also need to make sure my contacts are updated. That means I have to speak to my former boss and computer arts teacher sometime very soon. I also need to return his CD case full of at least 100 music albums. I've been holding on to it for over two years now. I hope he didn't go out and buy replacements.. I have a feeling he did. I felt like such a dick. I'm sure he'd be pissed about it so I'm going to think up something to make up for the "borrowing". I also need to invite him, my other boss, and the marketing girl I worked with to my graduation. I hope they can come. They're the people who got me into graphic design in the first place. I have a career to look forward to because of them. So yes, I must work on that.

Now for the illustrations I plan on adding to my portfolio, I've been using a lot of brush and ink. It's very fun to experiment with especially since you get such awesome textures normally unachievable in Photoshop and the like. I might be putting a few non-portfolio pieces up on dA soon. Perhaps with some colouring too. Portfolio first though.

Aww fuck. I still need a Wacom tablet. I've been doing so much conventional illustration, I keep forgetting to look into buying a new tablet for digital work. Okay... Gotta check the stores tomorrow then.

On a completely different topic, I'm gettin way way wayyyy into pop n' locking now. Well, specifically popping. And to be even more specific than that, Japanese popping. Crews like U-Min and Egu-Splosion are my fucking heroes. They've got some amazing routine up on YouTube, so you may go check them if you like. I wish I discovered them before Halloween, so I could've used a few moves while walking the street of Toronto dressed as a marionette. After watching their videos multiple times, I think I'm getting the hang of a few basics. And I definitely know what I'm gonna be next Halloween. And it's on a Friday this year! I'm going all out and all night this time.

Hmm... It's 5:10 AM now. I shouldn't have been sneaking in drawings time while doing this post. I'll never get through it!


I suppose I'll get most of my whining over with. Loyal readers might have already guessed this has to do with none other than Ms. Leona of the convenience store down the road. At this very moment, my prediction with regards to anything unfolding with said girl is jack shit. I am going absolutely nowhere with it and I doubt I ever will.

The most recent happening brought me down a few notches. If I weren't so negative, it wouldn't have but it did. This happened last night actually. It's snowing like hell outside so I'm all covered up. Scarf over my face, sunglasses protecting my eyes from the winds and coat all buttoned up. I walked in and tugged my scarf down and glasses up. Leona was busy with two customers in the line. I went and grabbed my drink (Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.. GREAT alternative to Arizonas) and headed back to the cashier.

The first girl was on her way out bundling up. "Have a goodnight, Jennifer!" Leona said as she stepped out. The second girl in line (ahead of me) asked Leona if she knew all her customers names. She said that she tries to remember as many names and faces as she can. So second girl prepares to face the cold outside as Leona greets me with a "Hi, Josh. How are you?" The girl turned around and said "This is ridiculous! Alright, my name is Olivia" Leona introduced herself, they shook hands and the girl was off.

I managed to break my usual goofy smile and actually ask "So you remember a lot of names?". She smiled and said "Yeah... A lot."

She wished me a goodnight and I did the same as I geared up to walk a block to my house. At this point the sky was nearly black and it snowed as if the heavens were emptying. So what's wrong with what happened? Remember, at that moment, I was surrounded by darkness, cold, and a thick gloom. So naturally, I had negative (yet absurd) thoughts. Leona knows a lot of names and matching them with just as many faces. Nothing wrong there, right? Well... I kinda don't feel special anymore. I know, I know, it's dumb.. But that's just how it hit me. I thought the fact that she greeted me and wished me off every time by name was really cool. Maybe we developed a neat little friendship there. But when I thought about it, she probably does that to all the regulars. I'm no doubting our possible friendship, but I'm just sayin'. She's nice to everyone and I'm probably just another customer.

Ugh.. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I'm being lead on. And I hate that feeling. It's happened many times before. My mood started to really dip as I thought upon the subject. I always screw up somehow. It's usually a mix of my inability to make a fucking move, and this cursed imagination. Girls I've been into in the past who returned no such feelings usually ended it quite abruptly with the "nice guy" cliché. Girls who I were more or less into AND liked me back eventually got bored of me because I didn't do anything. Hesitation strikes again. And then there's the category of girls who I never liked initially, but liked me for whatever reason, then after getting shut down by me, they mutated into unbelievably good-looking girls. They've all got boyfriends now so even if I wanted to give it a shot, my effort would be in vain.

If anything, I think I'm the perfect "Pre-Boyfriend". I'm the guy who gets involved for a bit, then fucks it up completely, making the next guy so much more enjoyable. I'm like the transparent layer of primer one adds before applying the beautiful coat of paint. Can't have awesome without the suck, right?

So back to Leona... I'm tempted to just give the situation a big "fuck you" and abandon it... But to be honest, I don't think I'll have opportunity like this for a looong time. It's not like high school where I interact with a number of different circles, which in turn gives me chances to meet new people. Not anymore. I'm finishing a graphic design program in a private school with few students and no time to do anything else. It's not like I can start chit-chat with just anyone I meet. I can't do that... That's why I feel 'loyal', for lack of a better word, to Leona, despite feeling really negative about the sitch.

It would be so much easier if I could actually perform the scenarios in my head. They're so simple. For example, regardless how my day went, I could tell Leona that I've been having a bad day. I'll describe minor things that would normally bring me down. After she responds, I could throw in something along the lines of "Well.. It doesn't matter now that I've come to see you." See? Simple.. It hints at attraction and isn't all up in her face. But noooo. I can't do that. Even after countless, mind-numbing pep talks I give to myself from the bustop to her store, it doesn't happen. Fuck this imagination. The moment I think of an outcome, it's void from become a reality.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to my regular Chinese take-out place to pick up some food. Normally, I'm greeted by the old lady who owns the place (and knows my order by memory, to the point of preparing the change to give me because she knows I always use $20 bills to pay her.). Anyway, this one night, a Chinese girl was at the counter with the old lady talking to her from behind. The girl was stunning. Great hair, awesome glasses and cute modest clothes. What really got to me was that she had a stack of sketchbooks and art stuff she worked on between taking orders. While waiting for my food, I got caught gazing a few times, but nothing too serious. Despite the insta-crush, I shut her out of my head instantly. Firstly, I knew anyone as talented and good-looking as her would NOT be single. Even if she was, a random dork she took an order form one night wouldn't be on her list. Secondly, I only thought of Leona. At least she knew me by name, smiled at me and gave me a faint feeling of something more than a "pay your money and go" sorta deal. Well, that was before my retarded thoughts of not feeling singled out anymore.

I understand how I must sound like when I rant about this subject. This seems more fitted for a singles message board or something of the like. Because of school, my social circles are pretty limited... This is the only way I could get anything out. I beg your pardon for the way I'm reacting to the matter. Hopefully, I don't sound like an emo douchebag or anything of the depressed sort. I'm not depressed, I'm not emo, I'm not melancholy, I'm not gonna starve myself and turn all stupid again, only to receive a fucking headbutt when I'm supposed to be enjoying a visit. No.. This just happened to be a minor issue that has been itching the back of my head for awhile now.




I suppose now is a good time as any to talk about cake. I've been having cake cravings for the past month of so. There's a Chinese bakery that sells slices of this extremely delicious mango mousse cake. I could eat 8 slices in a sitting. It's so light and tasty. GLaDOS wasn't lying (though I sure she was serving up a black forest chocolate cake). I find myself eating a lot of cake these days. I wonder why.. *cough* I'm probably gonna get fat soon. This sucks...





Here's where I shutup for the day. Don't fret. As long as a bitching that was, I assure you, I'm feeling pretty good overall. I just wish these little things didn't build up in my head as they did. Augh...... Hopefully the next post is less glum. Have a nice Thirstday. Drink a cup of tea.





Toasted.


- enin -

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