Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Okay. I'm back. Whoop-dee-doo.

I was just at the hospital yesternight because apparently, I passed out while going to a walk and my neighbour found me lying on the sidewalk. So now I have a cold too because it was raining. I'm doin' alright now physically. It's becoming more and more obvious that not eating or sleeping isn't the greatest thing in the world. I still eat but you get what I mean. I probably wouldn't be here right now, would I?

I also got back into drumming. After a couple of weeks without doing so really weakened my playing. It's all good I guess.

So you're probably wondering what the fuck happened to me. It's a long story; I'll keep it as short as possible.

So Sara and I aren't an item anymore. She went through some fucked-up phase in her life, and stopped talking to me. We talk every now and then but what I felt was once there isn't anymore. We're pretty much just friends now. Sometimes I would think that she never considered me more than a friend in the first place. Sure, we hung out regularly and whatever but friends do that too.

Never held her hand
Never had our dinner date
Never felt her embrace

So yeah. It's over. The dream is over. I figured something as good as spending time with a wonderful girl like her would NEVER last.

Here's my theory:

Sure, dreams come true. But even in reality, they remain what they are. Dreams. What happens to dreams? They end. The dreamer ends their sleep and wakes up. So what happened here? Pixie woke up. I was left alone. How can one keep a dream going forever? Easy. Sleep forever. How can one sleep forever? End their reality. That's right. In death, one can keep their dream alive in eternal slumber. It makes sense. They always say, "Things always work out in the end. If things aren’t working out, it's not the end." The end is death. The end is happiness. Happiness is a dream. Think about it...

No, I'm not going to kill myself. Man, that's pretty fucking stupid. I mean, I almost died on a fucking sidewalk for cryin' out loud.

So no more Pixie. Sure, I felt like drowning myself (which to me is the worse possible way to die because I can't swim and water scares the fuck outta me). And yeah, I still feel like my life is over but I'm just gonna trudge on. I mean, everything non-Pixie related is crumbling down and turning to shit anyway. I can't do shit about anything anymore so I'm just gonna take it and see where life takes me.

Here's a quick rundown of what went on otherwise.

I hate my band. But I love my music so I can't exactly quit on them.

Mr. Vocalist is going out with some crazy-ass trailor trash chick (who used to like me *shudder*). She's totally using him for popularity and attention. Nobody gave a fuck about her before. She's such trash, I swear. She's around him all the fucking time. If he ever brought her to a jam session, I'd be more than happy to kick her in the chest. I don't care anymore. So yeah, Mr. Vocalist is fucked up.

Mr. Guitarist is going out with the 14-year-old retard guitarist who gives us studio-time. Remember her? By the way, the studio time is NOT free. I learned the hard way but it's still decently priced. But anyway..

Yeah, they're going out. It fucking sickens me. But at this moment in time he's been thinking about breaking up with her because he's slowly realizing that she is a selfish, retarded moron who can't play the guitar for shit. She only likes him for his guitar skills and the attention he gives her. There is something definitely wrong there. I'm going to help him make her suffer not only because I hate her fucking guts, but because I am a caring friend.

Now Mr. Bassist's story is a bit weird so bare with me. First of all, he is really stupid. He's a selfish, big-headed wannabe. Now normally, I wouldn't mind because I've known him for the longest time. I got used to it. But lately, the way he treats his relationships with girls really pissed me off. He (was) currently going out with one of the 14 yr old girls. He used to go on and on about how they're so perfect for each other. Recently, he started thinking about his ex. His ex was a fucktoy. Literally. That's all they fucking did. She never talked us, she never did anything cool for Mr. Bassist, she didn't even go to school (unlike Mr. Bassist's current girlfriend). The other day, he broke up with his 14 yr old girlfriend because even though she was nice and all, she never fucked him. In his retarded little mind, that's not a true girlfriend. So before he finally did break up with her, he also "fell in love" with a good friend of mine. He told me how she was perfect for him because they could talk about stuff and whatever. Now here's this guy, who is currently dating a 14 yr old, thinking about his fucktoy ex but supposedly madly in love with one of my friends. What the fuck is the matter with this dumbshit?

Now to make matters worse, he actually sent me to my friend to see if she would go out with him. He gave me a detailed mission list. I'm supposed to tell her how he thinks about her all the time and yadda yadda. All that nice garbage. Now I care about my friend. Alot. There was no way in the firey pits of Lucifer's mansion that I was going to let her become another fucktoy ex or ignored 14yr old. I told her everything about him. sure, I told her how he thinks about her all the time but I also said that he's a selfish moron who will probably make loser attempts at getting into her panties. She would've declined anyway.

Lately, I've been talking with her alot. I even spent a whole day with her when I was SUPPOSED to be jamming with the band. Now Mr. Vocalist and Mr. Guitarist made the assumption that I like her in that way. I sort of dide a long time ago but the friendship we share now is far more than enough for me. I can't talk to her about anything for hours on end (and vice-versa). We've had those long talks on the phone (you know, the one's where both sides refuse to hang up?), we've hung out together beyond her curfew. I accidentally got her in trouble with her father. He actually found us at the mall we were having dinner at. I called her father that night and apologized like any sensible person would. I think he thinks we're going out too (Hah, yeah. This is the girl who was in that play I watched and her parent thought we were an item). But anyway..

Mr. Guitar and Mr. Vocalist told Mr. Bassist I was with her during that jam session. Since he's retarded in that way, he got pissed because he doesn't like it when someone "inferior" to him gets something (or someone) he can't. He assumed I had a better chance than he (which I kinda do because I actually give a damn about her). He called me up, as pissed as ever, and asked if I really was trying to "get with her". I honestly told him no and for the time being, that seemed to settle things between us. Our band went downtown the next day (last Saturday) and everything seemed to be normal. Sure. My band has fucked up relationships but what can I do? We've got a live soon and some original stuff on the way. I'll do it for the music.

Even as I soak in these puddles of misery and depression, there is still a bright side. I really miss you guys too. I wish things could go back to normal but what is normal anymore? Late at night, I've been playing my acoustic alot (for obvious reasons). I've been learning some pretty sappy tunes. Sometimes, I'd just sing and get all teary which is bloody sad but feels damn good. You know what else is good? Tea. My green tea. I missed it so much. I had my first teapot for awhile just now and.... *sigh*

Damn, you people worried about me alot. I owe you all for making you feel like that (even though there was little reason to). Just wait. I'll make up for it.

I'm back... and I am doing just fine.


Cheers.

- nine -
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