Sunday, August 7, 2005

This is the DOWN part
Okay. To tell you the truth, I've been back for more than a week now. I arrived back home last last Friday. I had an really awesome time. I've everything from my vacation blogged on paper so I guess I can tell you about it later. It's alot (I think) so it'll take me awhile to type it up. I'll just fill you in with the stuff afterwards.

I learned how to play Mahjong from my grandmas and sister. Then I lost alot of money to them. Lousy professionals..

I bought new sunglasses. Two aviators. One brown and one mirrored. I wear the mirrored one more often though.

My sister got to see Coldplay and I'm really happy for her. She felt she was cursed because she never had any chances to see Coldplay ever. Shes always missed their interviews on TV, she went to the local radio station and she was so close to getting inside to see them perform but her friends got in (Which sucks), her friend even told her that she was going because she got tickets from someone else and my sis was so desperate for tickets (which were obviously sold out) that she was willing for pay $300 for tickets from scalpers. It really killed my sis. But here where the Charlie & The Chocolate factory bit comes in. The radio announced that the box office was selling an extra block of tickets and my sis bought them right away. It's like she found the last golden ticket. And her friend who was supposed to be going DIDN'T go so that reminded me of that Russian who faked the golden ticket. And the rest is history.

My cousin (AKA Mr. Rhythm Guitarist) came over and we stayed in the house for about three days straight. All we did was play video games and eat. I know it sounds sad but I didn't have money and I really didn't need to see the band yet.

The band actually did manage to catch me though and we went out for iced cappucinos and had a few good laughs. We planned a jam for Saturday (yesterday) for practice.

Oh yeah. It's official. My band and I will be playing at a club called El Mocambo downtown on August 18th. We've alot of tickets to sell an alot of work to do. The jam yesterday was garbage. My absence somehow turned their playing into shit. They have NO tempo anymore and they're getting really rusty with their playing. Their stage presence is gone too. If they don't cut it before our practice live (a free performance at Mr. Guitarist's house two days before the ACTUAL live), I'm going to skip the embarrassment and not play with them at all. It is kinda exciting though that we have to post flyers and sell tickets ourselves for this performance. This club is actually one of the clubs The Rolling Stones played in.

The band drama has been put aside by everyone because they wanna work on our music. We've even recruited another vocalist as an alternate for various songs. Guess who! That's right. Magical Nerd Bassist. The band still pisses me off but I'll give them a chance. Besides, we had fun after yesterdays jam. We had a manhunt (armed with nerfguns, walkie-talkies and hockey pucks)in a storage facility with long corridors and such. It was too much like Resident Evil coz it was dark, quiet and all you heard were echos of voices, footsteps and your own breaths.

I'm trying to think of what else I did this week. Since I don't remember it, it's not important.







Now here's where I get a bit ranty. I apologize but I've been thinking about it for the longest time.

I've been thinking alot about Pixie recently. Not only do I have frequent dreams about the girl (which are so real, I wake up breathing heavily and in much discomfort), I'm constantly bombarded by that stupid-ass question that leaves you looking like a loser regardless of what you answer. Yeah, you know the one. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" I fucking hate that question. I never answer but in my head all I think is "Hmmm. Maybe because I'm a fucking fool?" Then I automatically think about Pixie and how that just faded out of my life. It's difficult as hell forgetting about a girl. It's even more difficult to forget about a girl like Pixie. I know I know. I should just let it go and move on. But no. I can't. There's a reason why I'm hanging on to this memory of her and the beautiful being that she is. And it's most likely because I'm not ready to let go yet. And nothing seems to be helping. Because of my multi-dimensional imagination, almost anything can start me thinking about her.

I talked with her a few times recently but they're NOTHING like the convos we used to have. *sigh*

Y'know. It's not easy to move on like they say. I can't just go find another girl to set my mind on because I just can't. It's not that I'm addicted to Pixie it's just that I just can't talk to random girls like that. People say I could do it easily but I can't. My psychology isn't designed that way. I've only had major feeling for THREE girls in my life. That's it. And for all three times, I've been lucky enough to have a connection to them through circumstances of friends, events or whatever (Like through school). Now I've been given suggestions of seeking a relationship with someone I already know since I don't want to go for someone random. Every girl I know is either a close friend with whom I don't want to ruin a friendship with by making that suicidal move of saying "I like you" OR they're taken by some useless prick.

But all day and all night I find myself think about how nice it would be hold hands. That's all I ask! I've never held hands before! NEVER! What flaws of mine is holding me back from experiencing such a simply gesture of feelings and emotions as holding hands.

After a long talk with a friend, I just realized I'm the "Advice Guy" to the many I know. I think it's a bit flattering that people go to me and ask for direction in their relationships or whatever. I've never really been in one myself but it doesn't mean my advice is logical. 99% of what I say is basically common sense. All those people would've been able to realize it for themselves if they weren't all caught up in their feelings (which happens to really affect one's thinking patterns in that sense). But seriously, I think that if you feel the need to question something in a relationship and even go to a guy like me for advice, you're over-analyzing the situation. Therefore, thinking about it is the problem that's causing all this weird tension, anxiety, nervousness and worry.

I don't trust myself leaving the fate of my future relationship with whoever to chance. What are the odds of finding anyone who exceeds Pixie? If it's at all possible then prove it! In the meantime, I'll just lie here and sulk in my bitter lonliness, tearing up and muttering to myself "What the hell did you do wrong?" while being constantly clawed at by jealousy and plenty of regrets.

Okay. I'm really sorry for just piling up my shit like that. It's way too common these days when people bitch about relationships and whatever and I'm starting to bug myself just knowing that today I've joined the majority. But I've been in such a great mood for the past while and I guess I'm paying for it now with all these thoughts about (not) having that special someone.

It's this bloody imagination of mine.

Anyway. I hope you all have a great day. Once again, I apologize for the crap I'm been bitching about. Thanks for bearing with me. Vacation post soon to be posted.

Cheers.

- enin -

P.S. No. I'm not miserable or depressed again or anything. I'm just seriously bummed out that I've ALWAYS been "such a good friend".



*sigh*
Comments (6)