Wednesday, August 31, 2005

What to do...
I'm glad you enjoyed yesterdays post and the various pics of stuff. I'm still smiling that I got a chance to make it for the final day. It was wicked!


....however the smiles gotta stop one way or another eventually.

The following rant may seem childish, immature and perhaps a bit on the mental side. You might ask yourself, "What the hell is wrong with Enin?" and you know what? I don't blame you. I asked myself the same question about seventy times recently.

So I take it you are all aware that I'm avoiding the band for awhile because:

1) I want a break and some personal "Enin Time" to just relax and stuff. Okay, I'm pretty much a lazy bum as it is but they've found a way to ruin the joy of practices by turning it into relentless tiring work.

2) If I simply told them I want to take a break, they would full-out disagree and (attempt to) force me to hang out/jam with them more often, which is something I just can't do seeing as how I have other things to tned to in my life as well as band stuffs.

3) I'm a bit of a hypocrite here when I say this but they complain about their retarded lives like there's no tomorrow. I simply can't take anymore of their whines about their little 15-year-old girlfriends and all that bullshit. I mean it's retarded enough that they've entangled themselves amoung immature little girls by starting awful relationships in the first place (No offence to 15 yr old girlies out there. I hope you get what I mean.)

So yes. I'm avoiding the band. I'm planning a nice ripe bitching to their faces but seeing as how they're all caught up in their owns little f*cked up world, I'd need to first get their attention. I think having the drummer go missing for awhile is a great way to get their minds off stupid children for a minute.

I've mentioned this before but just for forgetfulness sake, I'll say it again. Our band has been invited back to do another show on September 30th. Now I thought this was great news until I heard the very different opinions of each band member of how to change up the setlist.

Nothing has been agreed on to this day and we've less than a month to practice something we haven't decided on yet. We can't even parctice together that often now that school and work has come into play for everyone in the band. What I'm saying is, September 30th isn't looking very possible anymore.

Even if it was, I'm not in...


See, I'm in a very developmental stage in my drumming life. I'm starting to better my techniques and stamina. However, the band can't advance with me. They want me to do simple stuff so THEY can stand out. So they pretty much are telling me to stick to my hi-hats and snare. I don't want to.

They also are demanding me to get a double-pedal for my bass drum. I promised myself I'd develop my single pedal skills before I even consider a double-pedal. "The type of music we want to play sounds better with double-pedal. You need one, Josh."

No, I fucking don't.

So what if I don't wanna play heavy stuff yet? What if I wanted mellower tunes?

Of course, I'm into the music they WANT to play but personally, I don't wanna get into it yet. I'm decent behind my kit but I'm also still learning.

If they think they can FORCE me to do things their way without question, in return, I'll FORCE them to find a drummer who gives a damn.

It's a shame they don't listen to me but I think disappearing like I did will do the trick.

I love music. I love my drums. I love to play. And I love my band. But when they think of me as the LAST person to be considered when it comes to song choice/compositions, I can't help but get a bit pissed off.

It pisses me off even more to know that the minute I'm out of the picture, they become helpless and extremely dependant on me. I play the weirdest, most fucked up role in the band and I don't like it anymore.

I'll be sure to tell you how things go when I do decide to set things straight. And they better fucking listen or it'll be a sad day when Something Else loses their beat.

Now you would think I'd end it here.. Nope.


You know how I said the live on September 30th isn't looking too good right now and that I don't wanna play? Guess who comes into the picture to fuck with my mind.

Pixie.

All of a sudden, she starts talking to me over MSN again. I happened to tell her that our band may have a live at the end of the month. She was already a bit disappointed that she missed our last one so she was extra excited about the next.

Oh goody. Pressure for me to actually go through with it.

I'm supposed to be over this girl. But she just won't leave me life. She's there. She's always there. Physically and mentally. I want to let go but I can't.

Now she wants to see me perform? Performing is almost out of the question then she steps in with a basket of false hope and heart shrapnel. Okay, here what wne tthrough my already messed up mind:

If I do go through all that band shit and actually play that day while keeping in touch with Pixie (who has already been chatting with me alot recently), I might have a good chance at being friends with her again. Perhaps a second chance at being her guy. Who knows? Imagine that. All that was once lost can be regained! Hooray! It'll be perfect! So I'll do the show, no questions asked!

Here's where I start thinking.

Now, she annihilated my heart already. We slowly faded apart and that seemed to be the end of any relationship with her. Even a friendship. To her, losing me didn't seem like a big loss. For myself, it was the opposite. I lost big time and I hate myself to this day for all my stupidity, hesitation and lack of confidence. What is making me think that there's even a possibility at reforming that relationship? I could be very well wasting my time trying to take another crack at it. And at what cost? I risk losing my band, who I can't stand at the moment and I doubt I'll be able to put up with them anytime soon. I risk completely fucking up my chance at any future relationships because it's bad enough I'm STILL crumbling over her. I'm risking what's left of my sanity.

I don't wanna do it. I just want to play it safe and stick to my break.

But we all know that there still exists that one last final strand of hope. That one little inkling that there is still a chance to make things better again. It's not impossible but what are the bleedin' chances? I don't wanna screw myself over again.

I don't.

And I won't.


I'm not making any final decisions right now but I'm leaning toward staying away from it all. It's just safer that way.


I'm sorry. All of you, I'm sorry. I didn't make sense at all tonight and I doubt I will for awhile.

Besides the madness I've just told you all about, I'm doing fine. Just fine.

I hope you all have a great day.

Cheers.

- enin -

P.S. Oh I can totally sense someone out there about to tell me I'm a fucking idiot.

Thanks...
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