Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Multi-coloured side of thinking
Good day, good evening, good morning, good afternoon, good night. Whatever time of day you find yourself reading this, I hope you are doing well and not crumpled up in a garbage can getting kick around by Australian bullies who've strayed from their tour group.

Of course, that's never happened to me. I'm just saying, it wouldn't be very pleasant now, don't you think?

Anyway, let's get started.


It's 45:640pm on the forty-third of August. I think I'm in my room. Just the lamp is on. Nothing too special about the surroundings tonight.


I haven't been out of the house for the past while. I'm not under a lockdown of any sort, I just chose not to leave this dwelling of mine. I haven't answered any phone calls because a majority of them are from people I don't feel like talking to or seeing (and I also like listening to my ring tones). The band wants me back. They've been leaving messages about upcoming lives they're playing (with Bassist as the "drummer"... Fuck, he sucks...). I'm guessing they're desperate. Unless they bring me a sack full of diamonds, I still don't want anything to do with them. I'm sure that by not answering phone calls and rocks being thrown at my window, I've unintentionally turned down a lot more offers to go out and do stuff. So yes, I don't feel like leaving my room for a bit. Just cause....

[EDIT: I did leave to see Snakes on a Plane. Good fuckin' movie, I say. And these days I've been getting out for often. So there's nothing to REALLY worry about...]





So all this time to myself has turned me.... to be blunt.. I've gone mental. It's not all THAT bad though. I keep myself busy with drumming, singing along to music, watching DVDs and Disney VHS videos, cleaning my room, writing on the wall, and working out/pacing back and forth for exercise, eating random food and drinking even more random drinks.

But besides all that, I definitely have the time to just... ponder... think... activate the brain...

I've written down some of my thoughts.

Trust me on this. When you haven't seen the sun for a while, or have few hours of sleep per night/day, and close yourself off from the outside world, some of the stuff that passes through your floating mind just doesn't make sense. No matter how hard you want them to.







- You know how there is no 13th floor in apartment buildings and such? Mitch Hedburg made a joke about it. He said the people on the 14th floor are trying to fool themselves. They know what floor they're really on. Anyway the superstition thing is retarded in a way and I think the best way to eliminate it is to not use numbers at all. The tenants on each floor will decide on a team name and symbol. The symbols and team names will then replace the numbers used in elevators and floors. So in stead of floor 5, you'd be heading to the Wombat Chasers floor. And instead of floor 17, you're on the Viking floor! I'm sure the tenants would choose better names. Perhaps with the new names and such, the tenants could have an annual sports tournament for a prize. I think it would be fun, don't you?


- I know it's sometimes bothersome when people tell you to turn down your music. There's a somewhat effective way to ward them off and keep your music volume at whatever volume you desire. When someone asks if you could please turn down your music, you offer them a permanent procedure that will ensure that they never hear your music again. Of course, this "procedure" involves a steel skewer poking at their eardrums but it's effective, right? I'm sure after you give them such an option, they'll shut up.


- I think one of the best senses of humour in the world is that of young babies. They laugh the second they see something amusing. They don't waste time thinking about how stupid it is, or how offensive it may be. Their eyes instantly receive these images of whatever and then they laugh. It's as simple as that. We can learn something from these little chubby spheres of joy. Next time you see something that you find funny, laugh. Just laugh away. First of all, it bloody feels good. We all know that. Secondly, there are going to be times when even a smile seems impossible. Especially with the world going down as it is. Laugh now and remember it later. You'll feel so much fucking better.


- "Gangsters" and the like are often seen driving down street with their windows rolled down with hiphop and rap blasting from subwoofers and other various upgraded audio equipment. I'm hoping to one day see a British chap in his elder years, driving down the road with opera or classical music being played at a high volume. Not only do I enjoy these types of music, I think other drivers and pedestrians would appreciate it more than hiphop thumping away down the streets. Of course, hiphop fans are naturally drawn away from the melodic sounds of opera/classical so they may not like it at all. If the individual is elderly, he actually has more reason to have his music volume turned up. The man may be hard of hearing. I think this a lot more justifiable than the overused rap fan excuse "I do what I want". (Note: I know it may seem like I'm contradicting my previous thought about turning music dowon, but really, I'm not.)


- After a bit of pondering upon the subject, I think Vega has been one of my favourite fighter game characters of all time. Not only did I like to be a bitch when playing as him, I think he's just a damn cool character. None of that "I fight for honour!" or "I will conquer the world!" or "I will avenge my _______'s death!". No no. That's too easy. Vega is a true villain. He fights to kill and he's damn good at it. And I have to say, he's one vain mother fucker. He's beautiful and he knows it. The mask he wears is so that nothing causes any imperfection on his flawless face. He will kill you because you are inferior, ugly and unworthy of life. How's that for evil?


- For an extra boost the accent/impersonation talent that you've been working on for all these years, I have a quick one you can pull off as practice. After a recent convo, I've discovered that if you say "Homo" backwards, you're saying the same thing only with a French accent. Try it. You'll become an actress in no time.


- I've noticed that many songs out there feature "Yeah"'s and "No"'s as part of their lyrics. Often they are used in the instrumentals, part of the chorus or even in the verses. When used properly, they make a nice addition to the song. They can sing "Oh yeah" or "Yeah yeah" whatever as a sort of reinforcement for the preceding lyrics. The usage of "Oh no no" or "No no no" or whatever is a bit more tricky. If used improperly, you may be disagreeing to what you've just sang. That doesn't sound right at all. It works if you have a line that goes "You can't step on the grass.. Oh no no no.." or something like it. So anyway, I was thinking that someone should make a song where they don't have a definite answer for their lyrics. As in a "Maybe" or "I'm thinking about it". I thnk "Maybe" would work well considering it's a nice rhyme alternative to "baby".


- You know how when TV channels go off the air for the day and they show the channel logo or that rainbow colour test with that infinitely long beep noise? It'd be pretty neat if they put up one of those eye trick things and let it play throughout the night. Not those "screamers". I'd fuckin' sue if they threw that freaky garbage on. What I'm specifically talking about is that spiral illusion thing that you stare at for about 30 - 40 seconds then look away. The minute your eyes shift off the screen, everything starts warping and bending. I barely watch TV but I think this would be amusing for late night viewers. Why not liven things up with a free visual acid trip? I'm sure there will be people out there who'll complain about getting headaches from watching the illusion for too long. Solution? Change the fucking channel.


- I think Dance Dance Revolution or ParaPara would make for a terrible/dangerous drinking game. But you'll have to admit that it would be damn awesome to watch..


- "It's the little things in life that make it all worth living" is what they usually say. That's why my teacups are so small..


- I wish the wearing of capes was more acceptable in today's society. There's something about a cape that just fills you with this feeling of importance. Of course, there will be many under the "superhero" illusion, that's a given. but for others, they'll just feel like they're something special. The cape acts as a barrier or a sign of something great. It protects something powerful within, whether it be a superpower, great intellect or a sharpened hand sword. Wearing a cape makes even the most mundane activities more exciting. Like when you're walking, you'll want to keep a good pace so that the cape catches the wind. It's like "Aw hell yeah! I'm wearing a cape! I can save/conquer the world now!" It'd be brilliant, eh?


- Everything in existence is edible. It's just that some things are tasty, some are not. Some things are easy to chew, and some aren't. Some are easy to swallow and some aren't. Some are poisonous and deadly and some aren't. These are just a few factors that differentiate what is very consumable for humans and not very consumable. Given time, some prep work, seasonings and side dishes, I could easily eat this very laptop on which I'm typing this. But I won't because rice is tastier and I'm guessing it'll take a lot of time to cook an electronic. I don't have that time right now.


- I hope to one day be the first cowboy to ride a stripeless zebra. No, not a white horse. STRIPELESS ZEBRA.


- I find it weird how angry mobs in films are often armed with vegetables. To be more specific, the veggies in use are tomatoes and lettuce. Tomatoes make sense. They're easy to throw and when they hit, they make a good point in showing displeasure. Now lettuce is another story. First of all, it's not very aerodynamic. Throwing a piece of lettuce is usually only effective when you're near the front of the mob. Otherwise, you're flinging it as someone who's on YOUR side. They'd probably think you're retarded. Secondly, if you do manage to hit your target with a piece of lettuce, they'd think you're retarded too. So, you lose, lettuce-boy.


- I'd like to hug a sumo wrestler one day. It's been a life-long dream. I just hope he appreciates the love.


- It's probably a bad idea to start off any anecdote with "I was bored in the shower so I...". I don't think anything decent would follow an opening line like that. However, it's a good test to see if you have true friends. Anyone else would simply say "You're a sick fuck." while TRUE friends would ask if it hurt or if they could see it or something along those line. And you'll know that he/she is definitely DESTINED to be your friend if they respond with "Yeah.. I did that too."


- I've always wanted to go back in time to see how they discovered tasty foods. Like for example, sushi is high on my list. I imagine a guy coming back from a fishing trip. When he starts the fire to cook the fish, it goes out on him. His buddies don't notice and they take a bite of the raw fish anyway. "You barely cooked this!" they'd yell. The guy would apologize then ask if they'd like for him to start a new fire. "Fuck no! This is delicious!" So they start eating fish raw. For convenience, they cut it into little pieces. One of them gets too excited over their new discovery and spills his bowl of rice. "Argh!" He yells "This isn't fair!" His friend beside him suggests, "Hey! Instead of being a dork and spilling rice, why don't we pack the rice up together with a bit of vinegar and place it underneath the raw fish? Then we can have everything in one bite!" They all take his new idea into action and it works. So the happy men invented sushi. "Man, this is awesome! Where's Ray? He's gotta try this!" While still chewing, another answers "Oh, he's in the back pickling some ginger and inventing some crazy new green spicy stuff..."


- I've said this before and I'll say it again. When you get a cut and you use those solutions to disinfect, if the bottle says hurt-free, it's a fucking lie.


- I never understood why they make giants in movies talk really slow. I mean, their deep voices make sense because someone of their size would have a bass-filled voice. The same applies to tiny people. They don't have the capacity to create bass so their voice are very high-pitched. But why do giants speak slow? And now that I'm at it, why do tiny people speak so fast? Giants aren't retarded. they talk normally. If I spoke to a tiny person like giants do in the movies, I'd sound bloody ridiculous. I suppose the film makers are just lazyasses and just change the pace of the audio.


- I'm not sure how water systems work in your parts of the world but when someone uses the hot water in the sink then turns if off, and I come around right afterwards to turn on and use the cold water, hot water still comes out. And it burn. And I hate that.


- An idea came to mind but after a bit of thought I scrapped it immediately. Live-action carousels aren't going to be very popular. After skewering the horses and attaching them to rotating dics of doom, accompanied by some very twisted music-box tunes, they probably won't live very long. The poor children will be riding on corpses.


- If someone were to open a toilet-store and solidify their product guarantee by allowing a "try before you buy" policy, I think without proper plumbing (or any plumbing at all), they'd be ready to shoot themselves within days.


- The best water gun fights are the ones where people DON'T want to get wet. If your target is one of those people who just stand there while you soak them, it's no fun. You gotta have a victim who will run. It would be even more of a threat if the water was coloured. And limited "ammo" supply is a must. You can't have a true fight if you just keep squirting away. that's why those newer water gun models with the "release your whole load" features are fuckin' stupid. (Yes, I realize I've made a few dirty references here. If you haven't noticed them, then I apologize anyway.)


- There are only so many sides you can have on a die. 6 sides is ideal. 87 is not. I think by then, you'd just have a white sphere with awkward dots on it.


- I once had a conversation with a friend about drifting. I thought it'd be neat if a train could do that. My friend said that was called "de-railing". I was saddened.


- When a big massive army is on the march, it's a powerful experience to stand near them. It feels as if the ground is one giant snare drum and each soldier is beating on it with every step. There's a chance that at least in ONE army, there's a nut job soldier tapping away. He thinks he's a maraca.


- A rhino would be a good pet to have. You could teach him how to shimmy his shoulders or how to do the "harlem shake" and various other hip dance moves. Then you could present him on the street and let the public watch this talented rhino while you rob banks and liquor stores.


- There are some people who still don't obey the law when it comes to parking near fire hydrants. The people who do park in front of a fire hydrant usually get a ticket or their car towed and it's all just a big waste of time. The best way to take care of this problem is to install hydraulic hammers beside the hydrant with vehicle-detecting technology. If a car is parked near the hydrant for a certain amount of time (let's be mean and assume 30 seconds is too long), the hydraulic hammer will launch ride into the side of the car. Not creating extensive damage, but just enough to send the message "can't park here, dumbass." Now this could be a problem for those who exit the vehicle simultaneously with the hammer. Their shins are probably going to get destroyed.


- I pity bananas. They can't be romantic fruits. think about it.


- I once tried translating "sim-talk" long ago. there's a reason why they don't speak English. They're fuckin' stupid. "I'm thinking of a mountain. Now I'm thinking of a tennis racket. And now I'm thinking of a dollar sign. What? Why are you juggling? That's not amusing. I'm now thinking of a negative sign. Fuck you. Where's my virtual reality helmet?"


- You know when you're walking along the sidewalk on a warm, sunny day and every time you pass beneath some shade, be it a tree or building, you feel not only cooler but also a nice breeze? The minute you walk under the sun again, you feel double hot. You tend to wish that the wind would stay constant and keep you cool instead of giving you a bigger contrast in temperature while walking. Some say it's a blessing in disguise. Under the shade it cools you off because if the wind blew in the sun, you'll only be receiving hot air. I say that's horsecrap. I'm a guy who likes wind. Make me look cool while stayin' cool, get me?


- Next time you have the opportunity sing a lullaby to a baby, try to sing "we Will Rock You" by Queen. Change the lyrics in the verses around so it's more fitting for the sleepy-head. Something like "Baby you're so wiggly, jiggly, playin' in your crib, gonna be a big boy someday, you got food on your face, banana paste, mommy sure knows that you love the taste.." or something like that and rock the baby to sleep. Fun, huh?


- There's a reason why dentists make your teeth and gums hurt when you're there for a check-up/clean up. They're tidying up the stuff you're too pussy to brush and floss at home. And you wonder why they shake their head and go "tsk tsk" when you open your mouth. You can make it easier on yourself by doing what the dentists do. Brush and floss until it hurts. Get in there and clean properly. Now that doesn't mean you should buy those sharp metal tools and start scraping your teeth and shredding your gums. Simply brush around the gums a bit more than usual. Try reaching the back teeth as much as you can. Floss deep but not to the point of torturing yourself. Keep this up and the next time you visit your dentist, he/she will be quite pleased and you'll get a free parachute man from the kiddies’ toy chest. This message was brought to you by someone who enjoys the visiting the dentist more than most people.


- I hate button flies on jeans. Not only do they waste time, if someone were to catch you with your fly open, you wouldn't be able to just blush and zip it up. You'd have to bloody stand there, hunched over while fiddling around in your crotch region trying to get the damn thing to shut. If someone were see you from behind, they'd call the cops.


- It's a good thing scented play-dough isn't toxic.


- You know when people do something bad and they ask you "Would you be mad if I did this?" to see if you'd get mad or not. A question like that is inevitably followed up by "Why? Did you?". Kinda stupid if you think about it. Though it's rather fun to mess around with friends and ask them random "Would you be mad..?" questions. When they inquire, just respond with "Why do you think I asked?". That'll get 'em...




Ehh... I've spilled my mind long enough. So anyway, this is just a warning for those of you planning on asking me..

"Josh? Whatcha thinking?"



Cheers.


- enin -
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