Wednesday, January 26, 2005

   The thoughts of two
I know what to post...

Hmm... what did I do today?

Woke up surprisingly early this morning... it all passed in a sort of blur... so I got into school, got my usual morning can of coke, and put on some Beck, which Marc and Tonkin and Penny all loved... lol. (pfft) So then, free first lesson, I started trying to type up a CV... but failed miserably. So by the time i'd finished that pointless exercise, there was 5 mins left of the lesson, so I bought 'the usual' a.k.a Monster Munch and a bottle of coke. I just gotta say 'the usual please, Carol' to the canteen lady, and she'll smile and nod. ^_^
English, oh how fun it is. Josh thought it would be funny to splash my coke all down my front, then give me a paper cut, then I got in trouble for not having my anthology and drawing little creepy thingies. Fun.
Breaktime was spent rushing about trying to get EMA forms filled in from before christmas... if I get those two filled in tomorrow, then do this weeks, I should have a good £60 coming my way. ^_^
So 3rd lesson, Art. Had to draw roadkill today. *shudder* I tried to not insult her by drawing her more human-looking than she is, but it was no use. But then again, I got away with it, she didn't think it looked anything like her. Then again, Laura-jane said it looked a lot like her. Heh. Wow, I can draw trolls. ^_^
4th Lesson: English again, but with giggles. Boring really, just sitting reading a story where a Ourang-Outang kills two people, shoves one up a chimney and one out of a window. Ah, good ol' Edgar Allan Poe... a literary genius alright.. then again, he did write The Raven and The Telltale Heart so I guess he's forgiven.
Dinner was spent in headachy pain and Creme Eggy yum-ness, though I had to endure comments about the way I eat my Creme Egg. ¬_¬ I use my finger to scoop it out and eat it off my finger... always have done... It's like the whole 'how do you eat yours' thing... well, that's the way I eat it. Either that or sticking my tongue right in... you get the idea. No, I prefer my way of eating them. So what if it looks dodgy or 'seductive' or whatever. I don't care, I have Creme Egg.
Enrichment was okay... though gave me more of a headache than anything. Forgot to get my EMA form signed, and left my power pack for my laptop in the practice room. ¬_¬
Got home, and found out that my boots could take about 3 to 6 weeks maybe months to come... guh. >.< Nothing ever goes smoothly does it?
So when mum came home I had to go down school again, to get my laptop powerpack... then came home, had a nice tea *yum*, then managed to stay off the net till at least half 6/7.
And now here I am. I've done a lot of jobs today... I feel helpful. I also feel ill. I have a headache and sniffles and sneezes and achyness and itchyness of the eyes. Generally just feeling Bleeeeeeeeeh...
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Psychosomatic, addict, INSANE (Breathe with me)
¬_¬

Willing myself to be happy again.

Pissed off with Blue Banana, pissed off with some people, pissed off at me, But happy. HAPPY.

Well, I won't be getting my boots for a while. Apparantly, they don't have them in stock... well why NOT?!?! Why advertise them if you don't have them? How stupid are you?

Haven't really got anything to add today. Well, nothing I can talk about anyway. I got a lot of things I need to put... but I can't talk about em. Ah... I need a non-public journal.


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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I walk this empty street, on the Boulevard of broken dreams...
I'm so bored tonight... I'm actually in a better mood now... I do feel a lot happier. Maybe it's the fact that i'm starting to get back on my feet. I have no money problems... I hope... just need to get last week's EMA form sorted tomorrow, then i'll have another £20 under my belt, £10 on saturday... not that i'll probably be doing anything... last saturday was so boring. Can't remember the last time I DIDN'T do anything on a Saturday... Well, I think this week, i'mma go up town whether anyone else is or not, as much as I hate walking anywhere alone. I might just have my boots and top by then, so you never know, I might even be wearing a skirt.

No one seems to have planned anything for this saturday, and if they have, i'm not invited, so i'll have to think of some way of doing something without depending on Ali to take me down the pub or Vee coming out and messing up my room again. Everytime she comes over, she sits on my pillows, with dirty trousers on... >.< it just needles me. I don't like people sitting on my bed... ¬_¬ I have to sleep in it.

I fancy some pot. Pretty frank there, but I do. Haven't had any for ages, and I just think I ought to mellow out a bit. I mean, I don't want to make it a habit, my brother has become an asshole because of it and I don't want to end up like him. But a little now and again can't hurt, methinks. Just getting hold of some... ¬_¬
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Yøu gøt me wrapped arøund yøur finger... Dø yøu have tø let it linger? Dø yøu have tø? Dø yøu have tø?
I knøw I said that I wøuldn't gø øut much anymøre, it ønly causes prøblems and stuff, but tønight I just feel like I need a FUN night øut... just sitting, chatting, maybe a LITTLE drink, nøt tøø much, maybe a little pøt... haven't had any øf that in a while, and just friendliness. I need tø cheer myself up, and I knøw tø dø that, I shøuldn't really be arøund peøple tøø much, but since I can't really avøid it, I guess the saying is: If yøu can't beat em, jøin em.


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Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me...
Willing yourself to be happy works. I did actually feel happier today. Didn't last the whole day, I didn't expect it to. But it did last through the most of the day, up until about the end of school.

Now though, i'm feeling kinda muggy and a bit pissed off. Mostly at parents, mostly because I'm laughed at and told that the things I like are stupid. SO? The things they like aren't exactly great either, but I don't take the piss out of them, it's just bullying. My brother said today that if I get the boots that I want, i'll look stupid. This is coming from a guy whose favourite jeans are torn so badly, they show off his boxer shorts, and a guy who wears hats so ripped up, they may as well not be there at all. Mum told me i'd be wasting money, but look at her, she's just bought a new settee suite for the front room, a new carpet and new curtains, and she didn't need them at all. She paid £40 to get her hair done, and it looks no different.

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Monday, January 24, 2005

Don't deny... (send a spy...)
Feeling better I suppose. Or mostly because I'm willing myself to. Upbeat music and less PC time, plus people calling me cute and hot even when i'm not does wonders.
I've made a few decisions of some sorts... dunno whether i'm gonna stick to them or not. I'm hoping I can, since it would probably do me a lot of good.

1. I'm gonna stop drinking so much, I'll go to the next 'occasion' type thing, like a birthday, or something worth getting drunk about, but I'm not getting drunk every week just for the sake of something to do on a Saturday. It's losing it's charm now. That may change, if by some weird twist of fate someone decides they want to persuade me, and I feel like it, i'll go, but otherwise, I'mma gonna not go.

2. I'm gonna stop being so close to people. I'm not gonna tell people what I think or feel about things now. Much easier that way. You don't get mixed in anything and you can think what you like about people. It'll be hard to keep my opinions to myself, since i'm kind of an open and opinionated person, but I reckon I could stop myself. Plus, you dont' get mixed up in any sort of emotional crap.

3. I'mma lay off all the heavy emotional crap for a while. Stay single and not even think about getting with anyone or doing anything. I've had to many people upset because of me, so I think it's best if I stay away from the whole 'going out' scene for a while. And If I was gonna get with anyone else, it wouldn't be anyone too close. More fun, less hassle. But I don't think I will.

4. I'm just gonna try my best to get on with Mum and Dad. They treat me like shit, I know they do, but i'm just gonna let them. I think they just want us to fight back. It's probably gonna make me tired and stuff, with the amount of things that they'll make me do if I don't fight back, but I just don't have enough emotional energy to fight back anymore.

5. This is a long shot one, but I don't wanna be myself anymore. I'm hoping I can change myself, into someone different than I am now. That's probably gonna take a bit of time, will power and stuff, but I want to do it.

I should listen to some more chillout music. Ahhhh, Moby.

I'm still achy from yesterday's little pick up truck adventure. I've never had so many bruises in my life, and I now have lost all feeling and control of my knee. Ah well. Worth it I suppose... I would have only cut myself with a pencil and hit my head on my bed on purpose anyways, so I suppose it's better to get hurt doing something you like than getting hurt as a result of self-hatred.

Today in school was... depressing to say the least. Sat in the common room for a while, basically in silence. I felt like I'd done something wrong. I always do when I'm around people lately... Art was great... I always seem to perk up in Art... probably because there aren't any people there who remind me of all the problems that I've had lately, and they just muck about, Radio on, sitting there drawing whatever comes into my head, chatting and laughing. Today sir even brought in Penny for us to draw in charcoal, which I thought I did a pretty damn good job of. Usually I don't draw in charcoal, too much mess, not enough control, lack of chalk to contrast and lack of black or coloured paper to work with. But I managed to blend them both well, looked quite realistic I thought. *sigh* Man, I do love Art. I like how I can just lose myself in it... someone had to call me at least three times today while I was drawing to get my attention, I was so into it. Dunno if anyone else feels like that while drawing, they're probably not as sad as me. But I reckon I know how it feels to say that something is your life... I mean, if you feel like that while doing it... then I reckon that's your life. Art is my life.
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Saturday, January 22, 2005

Yesterday I cried...
I wonder what it would be like to be numb? I wonder what you have to do to become numb? It would so much easier if you had no feelings at all, because then you wouldn't get hurt, you wouldn't feel disappointment, and you wouldn't feel bad for other people, which in turn wouldn't make you feel bad that you don't care, because you don't feel anything. You wouldn't be upset that you don't have feelings, because you don't have feelings to feel upset for yourself. You could go through life doing what you're meant to do, then when you've done it, that's it. Lot less hurt. You know, this reminds me of that quote from Angel Sanctuary. The headmistress of Sara's school tells her she can't love her brother in the way she does, and says: 'The bible says, if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off and cast them from thee.' Then Sara says, 'Then I must cut out my heart.'

I couldn't sleep last night again. I don't think it was the caffiene, I think that's worn off by now. Maybe it was due to the fact that my eyes were red due to staring at computer screen, through lack of will to do anything, and wet from crying. I actually took someone's advice last night, though I think it just made me upset more than helped... I wrote down everything that's bugging me, and it seems that I have more problems than I think I did.

This is one of those times when I don't need a hug... I've had too many, and I shouldn't have. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before we started all this 'going out' and stuff... I think it was the alcohol that started it. Well, I won't be drinking for a while, at least not in the same group. Might go down the pub for a few every now and again with Ali, but at least I can sit, laugh, talk to her normally and not have this constant headache that something might happen, and what will happen if it does, and I have to remember to stop myself from doing that, and it's happened, what do I do now, and how will it affect everyone else, who am I upsetting, how am I hurting myself? Not to mention the ACTUAL headache i've seemed to have forthe last two months, it's just a permanent sort of claustrophobic, stuffed-up-inside-my-own-head, buzzing, head-cold type thing, which I know isn't the result of a cold. Whoever heard of a cold lasting for two months? And my whole 'body-clock' thing is messed up too. I can't sleep right, I can't eat right, Mother Nature seems to pick utterly bizarre and inconvienient times to appear, I know i'm pale, my eyes hurt all the time, my breathing is always weird, like i'm always out of breath, my back hurts everytime I stand up and my whole body just aches all the time. I find myself hungry, but I don't have the energy or the will to eat to go and get something. It's only when I have absolutely nothing else to do that I do and get something, and that comes after lying on my bed, staring at the celing. I find myself irritated by everything, I had to feed the dog yesterday, got into the cupboard and there was no mixer, so I threw an eppy. It's probably why mum and dad are being such assholes to me at the moment, it's probably not so much them being the assholes this time, it's me. Sure, they say some horrible things, but they probably have good reason. I'm probably not the best person to live with at the moment.


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Thursday, January 20, 2005

I give up... you're my only strength... without you, I can't go on anymore...
Actually... the lyrics kind of reflect my mood. I have come to the conclusion that no, it's not just a feeling, not a lot of people seem to be talking to me lately. I understand... but it feels like I only have a couple of people to rely on lately, thank god for Ben and Tonkin etc.

I still feel bad... very bad. But I realised I can't keep carrying on like that. Maybe it's the caffiene talking... but I don't like being down, I don't like people saying that i'm attention seeking (thank you VERY much Mr 'I am god! Look at me!') and I very much like being normal. I'm trying to act normal in school, with the hope that if I can act normal, then I can be normal. Ah well... say what you want.


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Monday, January 17, 2005

In all my bitterness I ignored all that's real and true...
GUh... how can you feel happy and really sad at the same time? I think it should be outlawed. Only one emotion at a time please.

I feel like the worlds biggest cow... I feel i've cheated on someone... It's upset me that i've upset someone else so much... It doesn't help that this is the week that Mother nature decides that I shall be poorly... And it didn't help that I had Vee being a totally rude and ignorant slob...

But on the other hand... I don't feel as bad as I did last week about all the things that were upsetting me. I don't seem to have time for them anymore. Today I was meant to do a full-blown two page commentary, I handed in 10 lines. I was meant to do a side of A4 for my proposal. I handed in 6 lines. I was meant to do at least a page in my art book. I drew a creepy dolly thing, not even on a new page. Forgot my EMA form again. Couldn't be bothered to go round to do another one. Probably lost the old one.

And I feel like no one is talking to me anymore... probably just a feeling. But yeah...

And I've given up every inclination of continuing this post... so i'mma end it there.
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Friday, January 14, 2005

Whisper secrets from me... try to go too far...
Again, annoyed. I'm kind of reluctant to say anything, but I feel so pissed off, that I think it needs to be said.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

1. I don't need anyone trying to understand me, or cheer me up, or ask me if I want to talk about it. If I wanted to talk about it, I would talk about it. If I could cheer up, I would. If I wanted you to understand me, I'd explain myself.

2. If i'm dragging you people down, then just leave me to it. It's entirely my fault that i'm feeling down, so just leave me to get on with it. Did I get teasy with it when others were depressed? Did I 'eck.

3. I'm sure i'm not the only one with problems. Hell, I even know someone who's near enough going through one of the same problems that I have. And I talk to them about it. They know near enough what i'm going through. So please, no one ask me if I want to talk about it, because I already am, just not to you. That's not meant to be offensive, just stating the truth. Don't go kill yourself just because I don't tell you something.

4. Again, i'm sure you all have problems. I'm sure they're a hell of a lot worse than mine. I'm sure you're all splitting apart at the seams, but keeping a brave face to the world. Bravo. Well done you.
But people handle these things in different ways, and you have yours, I have mine. Maybe I can't handle them as much as others, but that's my problem.

Again, I don't want to sound rude or anything, but I felt it needed to be said, because the constant 'attention' I get from people because I'm feeling a little down, just makes me feel worse. If I want attention, I have better ways of getting it, believe you me.

And maybe people who criticise should take a look at the way they act when depressed. Tragic soul indeed.





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