Thursday, January 13, 2005

Yesterday I cried.. You must have been relieved to see the softer side.
It's weird... lately, the most fun i've really been having is at college. Not long ago, College was the thing that I hated, but now, i'm just glad to be there, and I don't want to come home. It's for lots of different reasons, the most being that Home life sucks. I feel like i'm being punished every night from the way mum and 'dad' speak to me. I tell them that i'm doing Grade 5 theory now, and they don't care at all, I tell them that i'm not getting my EMA, and they have a go at me, so I don't talk to them at all, for fear of argument if I do, and they yell at me. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Saturday daytime should be fun. It's been ages since I did anything with Ben and Tonkin and Co, and I always have loads of fun with them, You can't not have a laugh when you're with that lot. Plus with this lot, there's no emotional crap or any sort of problem, it's just 'do it now, think later, have no time for emotion' type thing. Which I like. Yes.

Still not looking forwards to Saturday evening... having to chase Vee around, staying sober... just... generally get the feeling it'll be a crap evening. I have to make sure Vee doesn't smash El's face in... or try to... or even say anything. If i'm lucky, I might be able to just get Vee to ignore her, it's what I do... not that I care very much whether she get's her face smashed in, I just don't want Vee to be responsible for it. Everyone else already dislikes her more than everyone else, I don't want her to get the blame, it'll just be another reason why people don't like her.

Again... it's been another day where it becomes excruciatingly clear to me that I'm not going to be able to sort myself out in the way I want to, so I'm just gonna give up. There's no point trying for something, if you can't get it. And there's no point asking for something you know you won't get.
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

On and On and On and On, the world it just keeps spinning...
I'm not gonna drink on Saturday night, I will with my other friends, Tonkin, Ben, Penny etc, but not in the evening. I'll just end up sitting alone and being all depressy, then people will ask what's wrong and I won't tell them, then they'll get upset, because that's the sort of people they are, then i'll feel worse. Think i'll just keep a level-head, then I can be cheerful.

I figured out today that i'm not gonna get what I want. I thought it might have been possible, but no. Joe's saying doesn't work for everybody. 'If you want something, you need to ask for it.' I don't think it would be a very good idea for me to ask for what I want. Though I still wouldn't mind that hug...

I've completely cleaned up my PC, it's brand spaking new type clean. Like just from the shop clean. Yay. And I dont' have to network my PC to use my net, which is good. Just have to network for the printers and folders.


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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Never Sleep, Never die...
Pissed off again. I think I have a trojan... i'm moving all my stuff to my shared network folders so I can reformat. I'll actually be glad to reformat... My PC is extremely cluttered. Though the agonisingly slow task of zipping everything up and moving it is just tedious.

Again, i'm still upset. And No, i'm not gonna elaborate.

I have come to the conclusion, that I am an uninteresting person... High Fidelity does these things to the mind. It's about a guy whose just split with his girlfriend, his music shop is going under and he's just generally depressed. But he has a solution, unlike me, he get's to go out and sleep with a damn singer. What do I get? A cup of Tea and people saying that I can talk to them. But NO. I can't. Because they're part of the reason why i'm down. Ah well, plough on with life as usual.

I think I need a hug... and I know who I want one from, but I won't get one. Wouldn't hurt to have one from a member of my family either... ._. I'm too afraid to ask someone in school though. What do you say? 'Hey... can you give me a hug?' 'What for?' 'No reason.' Silence. Awkward. I need a bit of comfort... i'm so uncomfortable all the time. My back hurts, my legs always hurt, especially the one which I had a hole in a few years ago... hasn't been the same since. My head aches constantly, I can't breathe properly, I must have a overly-drawn out cold, and yeah. I need a bath. Bye.
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Monday, January 10, 2005

A lyric, a time, a crusade, a line, one minute, a friend, a road without end.
I feel so useless. I'm never gonna be good enough to go to Falmouth Art college, and i'm only mediocre in everything else. I mean, I draw something that i'm really proud of, but then I see some of the stuff other people can draw, and I don't even come close. Guh... may as well just give up altogether, and spend my life stuck in some shop. Probably more realistic, anyways.

I feel so pissed off, and so guilty and at the same time, so crushed. I can't think of anything else to say, cept for the fact that my dad is a prick, my home is a prison, my family are retards and I'm a lazy ass bitchhermit.
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Friday, January 7, 2005

Wear you down... patiently.. born of love... you know i'm not dead...
What the hell is the matter with people??!?! 'Hey, did you know that 'nipple' is the most interesting word in the English dictionary?' NO. 1. I don't care. 2. You're a jackass. 3. Only primary school and year 7 children are that mentally retarded that they would look up rude words in the dictionary. 4. You're a jackass. 5. You're a perverted freak.

And what the hell is it with wierd recluse people who have no life outside their computers? It's NOT real... get a LIFE. Life? You remember one of those... you used to have one before you lost your personality.

I swear, I am so pissed off... I'm likely to get pissed off by the easiest things. I got pissed off coz someone said hello to me, and the reason? For two days straight, i've had weird, psychologically retarded people not leaving me alone. I dont' know what it is, and i'm sure I sound like such an evil bitch at the moment, but I don't give a crap. Not one crap.

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And so Sally can wait, she knows it's too late...
Kinda Melancholy today, like rainy days and sad soppy meaningful music. I've been reading High Fidelity, and I've realised that reading the 'diary' of someone else, a proper not teenage crap diary really helps you to put your life in perspective.

This week of school started off well, I think it was the 'back-to-school enthusiasm'. Nothings happened to make it get any worse or bring down the happy contented feeling really, it's just faded away. Again, i'm bored. Ah well, i'm sure things will pick up soon enough, I mean, I think it's strange that I haven't got something wrong... Heh, wierd. I wait for a time when it's nice and peaceful, no problems, no falling out with anyone (important), no fights at home, nuttin. Yet when I actually get it, it's weird and I feel like I should be looking for things that could go wrong. And as much as there is actually nothing going wrong with my life, I mean, I've finished my art coursework, started a new one yesterday, which i'm pretty chuffed with, English, i've handed in my coursework, no more nagging, had some good english lessons in which Horse-shaped condoms were a frequent topic of conversation, followed by giggles, My music is coming along nicely, we did Four point baroque counterpoint today, which came in very handy. Also did some listening, I actually got something right, which I was proud of me for, We're doing pretty okay in band... I just feel discontented for some reason.
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Wednesday, January 5, 2005

Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned...
Today's been better... Had a good day at school:

Lesson 1:

Sat doing my English homework which was due in today anyways, watching Mark Stevens make a cheese eating spanish guy, and laughing lots. Nice and peaceful.

Lesson 2:

Again, sat in the common room, this time drinking tea, munching monster munch and watching Smashing Pumpkins music vids, also while watching cheese eating Spanish guy.

Lesson 3: Walked out of lesson to get Coke and Monster Munch... I'm getting addicted to those. Then just jumped around a lot, trying to get Laura-Janes telly-how-much-you-walky thing to cheat. Did a little bit of doodling in my art book, and sorted out what i'm going to do for my next Art coursework. I'm doing the same theme, Youth Culture, but i'm doing figurative art, and making a clay figure. Fun. ^_^

Lesson 4: As much as a dread going to English, I think it's only Mullowneys lessons that get me down. Miss Bakers lessons are always so funny, I sit across from Jamie and Martin, who are so funny, and keep annoying Miss Baker, then I join in. Today, she wanted to tape us in some natural conversation for writing transcripts, so we started talking about the horse-shaped condom that Ma'am put on one of the sheets she gave us. She got so worked up. ^_^ But then she started the giggling. I've come to realise I don't really mind the giggling that much.

Lunch: Talking bout our holidays and listening to Pumpkins and Garbage. ^_^ Some dodgy conversations... but then again, Joe was in the vicinity. :P

Band Practice: So kewl. I got to play drums, but there wasn't a bass pedal, so I had to kick the bass drum instead. I now have a bleedy toe, but I don't mind too much.

Walking home wasn't too bad either, apart from the fact that I had a laptop, school crap and a guitar to carry home. Though I did get Joe to carry my bag up to the bus station, and Marc offered to carry it to his house. ^_^

I'm actually too tired to argue at home now as well. There hasn't been one argument yet, manily because they're seeing i'm not biting back, and they're giving up. As soon as Mum came through the door, I said Hi so she wouldn't get all pissy, then when she had nothing to complain about, she asked me why I hadn't hung any washing out or done any drying. I pointed (politefully) out to her that I couldn't do it from school, so she got teasy again. But I didn't argue back, and now they're both angry and i'm not. ^_^

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Tuesday, January 4, 2005

This guilt trip you put me on won't mess me up, I done no wrong.
I hate them... I really can't take this anymore. Again, for the third time this week, they've made me sit alone, and again i'm crying. I know this all probably sounds like some teenage eppy, but I really don't like it here. I don't wanna be here anymore, coz I can't take anymore fighting.

Guh.. I feel so stupid talking about anything anymore.. I can't really say what I feel... either it's to the wrong person, or that person isn't who I thought they were, or I can't trust them as much as I used to. It seems like everything is going downhill, but i feel stupid saying that... because it just sounds like i'm some attention seeking teenager. I don't know... I just know that I am really feeling bad at the moment... I don't like life right now. And now i'm going back to college, and it's gonna get worse. I'll come home every night, tired as hell, with all that homework that those evil retarded nazi communist english bitches keep giving me, even though I tell them I can't handle anymore, as well as being behind on everything else. And it doesn't help that I only see my friends ONE day a week, and the ones I do see at school, the only one in my classes is Marc. The rest, sure they speak to me in between, but either they're not there, or you have to GET them to talk to you, not having them talk to you of their own accord. Then when they're talking, you just get the feeling they don't care, like they're not really interested in you, they just don't want to fight.

Is it just me, or did I post loads today? I'm so frustrated by it all, and totally exhausted by all the fighting, I really can't take anymore.
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Banana Co.
I am so fuckin' pissed off... Dad is such a selfish bastard...

I was watching Futurama on the downstairs TV... a TV which you would think would belong to the whole family. We all have Dvds and TVs in our rooms, but I needed to do some homework, so I was watching it downstairs on the FAMILY TV.

Dad comes in, watches it for a while, then tells me to turn it off coz he wants to watch his crappy video. I said no, since 1. I got here first, and 2. It's not just his TV, he has one upstairs he can use if he wants to watch his.

He just shouted at me that if I didn't want my DVD broke I'd turn it off. I asked him why he was so selfish, and his reply was:
'I'M selfish? You're watching those on MY tv, on MY dvd, in MY front room, when I want to watch MY video?'

Such a complete asshole retard fucker.
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   I'm gone find my baby.... Woo! Fore that sun goes down....
You ever been in one of those moods where everything just seems impossible, and then you look at someone elses journal, and you see that they just seem to feel the same way as you about their life, and you feel worse about yourself? That's exactly how i'm feeling. Everything seems like it's not gonna get any better, it's just gonna stay with me in this rut i'min at the mo. I have no money, it's all going towards the christmas present I didn't get, which yes, is important. It's important to me, because I asked for something I wanted for ages, and my mum and dad didn't get it for me, they got a load of stuff I speifically asked them not to get. I'm not ungrateful to them, I know they put a lot of money anf effort into those presents, it's just that they knew I wouldn't like it, yet they still got it. They should have listened to what I wanted, and it would have saved them a lot of time, money and effort. Everything I wanted could be ordered off the net. *sigh*

It doesn't help that i'm carrying around this big thing... I can't really tell anyone... I'm not sure about it myself yet. All I know, is that i've been feeling it for a while now, but I don't know if people's opinions of me will change if I tell them. They all joke about it, they're always saying stuff about the fact that it would be 'kewl' if I was a... well.. but they haven't guessed yet, and i'm wanting to keep it that way. I know i'm taking a chance by posting it in here, but I've got nowhere else to put it. I can't tell Vee... she'll be all like... Ugh... I don't really want to think about it. I think two people are sort of guessing, but i've heard no more about it, so i'mma let it drop.

Guh... my collegework is getting me down... And i'm not looking forwards to going back. I don't seem to be getting anywhere... I've only now started to really get on with my music coursework... and i've only done about 1 minute of that. I have to go through an entire book today, and tomorrow, I have to take both my laptop and my guitar... guh >.<

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