Saturday, January 22, 2005

Yesterday I cried...
I wonder what it would be like to be numb? I wonder what you have to do to become numb? It would so much easier if you had no feelings at all, because then you wouldn't get hurt, you wouldn't feel disappointment, and you wouldn't feel bad for other people, which in turn wouldn't make you feel bad that you don't care, because you don't feel anything. You wouldn't be upset that you don't have feelings, because you don't have feelings to feel upset for yourself. You could go through life doing what you're meant to do, then when you've done it, that's it. Lot less hurt. You know, this reminds me of that quote from Angel Sanctuary. The headmistress of Sara's school tells her she can't love her brother in the way she does, and says: 'The bible says, if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off and cast them from thee.' Then Sara says, 'Then I must cut out my heart.'

I couldn't sleep last night again. I don't think it was the caffiene, I think that's worn off by now. Maybe it was due to the fact that my eyes were red due to staring at computer screen, through lack of will to do anything, and wet from crying. I actually took someone's advice last night, though I think it just made me upset more than helped... I wrote down everything that's bugging me, and it seems that I have more problems than I think I did.

This is one of those times when I don't need a hug... I've had too many, and I shouldn't have. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before we started all this 'going out' and stuff... I think it was the alcohol that started it. Well, I won't be drinking for a while, at least not in the same group. Might go down the pub for a few every now and again with Ali, but at least I can sit, laugh, talk to her normally and not have this constant headache that something might happen, and what will happen if it does, and I have to remember to stop myself from doing that, and it's happened, what do I do now, and how will it affect everyone else, who am I upsetting, how am I hurting myself? Not to mention the ACTUAL headache i've seemed to have forthe last two months, it's just a permanent sort of claustrophobic, stuffed-up-inside-my-own-head, buzzing, head-cold type thing, which I know isn't the result of a cold. Whoever heard of a cold lasting for two months? And my whole 'body-clock' thing is messed up too. I can't sleep right, I can't eat right, Mother Nature seems to pick utterly bizarre and inconvienient times to appear, I know i'm pale, my eyes hurt all the time, my breathing is always weird, like i'm always out of breath, my back hurts everytime I stand up and my whole body just aches all the time. I find myself hungry, but I don't have the energy or the will to eat to go and get something. It's only when I have absolutely nothing else to do that I do and get something, and that comes after lying on my bed, staring at the celing. I find myself irritated by everything, I had to feed the dog yesterday, got into the cupboard and there was no mixer, so I threw an eppy. It's probably why mum and dad are being such assholes to me at the moment, it's probably not so much them being the assholes this time, it's me. Sure, they say some horrible things, but they probably have good reason. I'm probably not the best person to live with at the moment.


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