Monday, January 24, 2005

Don't deny... (send a spy...)
Feeling better I suppose. Or mostly because I'm willing myself to. Upbeat music and less PC time, plus people calling me cute and hot even when i'm not does wonders.
I've made a few decisions of some sorts... dunno whether i'm gonna stick to them or not. I'm hoping I can, since it would probably do me a lot of good.

1. I'm gonna stop drinking so much, I'll go to the next 'occasion' type thing, like a birthday, or something worth getting drunk about, but I'm not getting drunk every week just for the sake of something to do on a Saturday. It's losing it's charm now. That may change, if by some weird twist of fate someone decides they want to persuade me, and I feel like it, i'll go, but otherwise, I'mma gonna not go.

2. I'm gonna stop being so close to people. I'm not gonna tell people what I think or feel about things now. Much easier that way. You don't get mixed in anything and you can think what you like about people. It'll be hard to keep my opinions to myself, since i'm kind of an open and opinionated person, but I reckon I could stop myself. Plus, you dont' get mixed up in any sort of emotional crap.

3. I'mma lay off all the heavy emotional crap for a while. Stay single and not even think about getting with anyone or doing anything. I've had to many people upset because of me, so I think it's best if I stay away from the whole 'going out' scene for a while. And If I was gonna get with anyone else, it wouldn't be anyone too close. More fun, less hassle. But I don't think I will.

4. I'm just gonna try my best to get on with Mum and Dad. They treat me like shit, I know they do, but i'm just gonna let them. I think they just want us to fight back. It's probably gonna make me tired and stuff, with the amount of things that they'll make me do if I don't fight back, but I just don't have enough emotional energy to fight back anymore.

5. This is a long shot one, but I don't wanna be myself anymore. I'm hoping I can change myself, into someone different than I am now. That's probably gonna take a bit of time, will power and stuff, but I want to do it.

I should listen to some more chillout music. Ahhhh, Moby.

I'm still achy from yesterday's little pick up truck adventure. I've never had so many bruises in my life, and I now have lost all feeling and control of my knee. Ah well. Worth it I suppose... I would have only cut myself with a pencil and hit my head on my bed on purpose anyways, so I suppose it's better to get hurt doing something you like than getting hurt as a result of self-hatred.

Today in school was... depressing to say the least. Sat in the common room for a while, basically in silence. I felt like I'd done something wrong. I always do when I'm around people lately... Art was great... I always seem to perk up in Art... probably because there aren't any people there who remind me of all the problems that I've had lately, and they just muck about, Radio on, sitting there drawing whatever comes into my head, chatting and laughing. Today sir even brought in Penny for us to draw in charcoal, which I thought I did a pretty damn good job of. Usually I don't draw in charcoal, too much mess, not enough control, lack of chalk to contrast and lack of black or coloured paper to work with. But I managed to blend them both well, looked quite realistic I thought. *sigh* Man, I do love Art. I like how I can just lose myself in it... someone had to call me at least three times today while I was drawing to get my attention, I was so into it. Dunno if anyone else feels like that while drawing, they're probably not as sad as me. But I reckon I know how it feels to say that something is your life... I mean, if you feel like that while doing it... then I reckon that's your life. Art is my life.
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