by Mikhail ((Esruc)) Shaw
To my first Love. . . .
and
To my sweet sister Katheryne. . .
Dear Diary,
It's October 13th, 1995. I just turned four years old! I was really happy to get this diary. I got something else, too. Do you want to know what it was? I got my first kitten! He is mostly white, and he has light grey ears. He has a few grey paws, too. One of his eyes are even light grey! His other eye is light blue. I really like his eyes. His nose is pink.
I think I already love him. He's so cute and fluffy!! I think he loves me, too! His name is CloudBurst. He's white and grey and fluffy like a cloud. I think it fits him real well. He always stays in my room, too. He has his food there, his water, a poop box, and even little toys!! I am going to go play with him now.
Bye bye,
*Katta-Juugatsu.
~~~~
((Year 2019))
~~~~
"Hey Beautiful, I'm home!" said a young woman in her late twenties, wearing rather gothic attire, with long brown hair and hazel eyes. She stepped in out of the rain, happy to be home again, attempting to dry herself a bit. "Juugatsu? Where are you?"
"**Gogatsu," Juugatsu whispered inaudibley. He walked down the hall to greet her. He was now twenty-eight, and about 5'11'' tall, also in rather gothic attire. From birth he'd always had dark brown, wavy hair, and how it had grown out to almost his shoulders. Broad and strong, he had married to Gogatsu, his high school love.
"Juugatsu!! YaY!!" Gogatsu ran up to hug and kiss him. They lived in a small home for two in the country, and very hapilly. Juugatsu had been through alot of anguish in his lifetime, but so had Gogatsu, and she accepted every bit of him. After many years of phsyciatrists and thearopists, Juugatsu was annouced mentally stable, and off of medications and without any in or out patient programs at Shoal Creek, a temporary hospital for mentally ill patients, he decided he could finally love Gogatsu for all her faults, as well.
Chuckling, Juugatsu held her high in the air in a big, yet gentle hug. "I love you," he said in her ear quietly.
"As I you, Juugatsu," she said, kissing him again.
~~~~
Dear Diary,
Now it's October 15th. Mom says I need to let CloudBurst out of my room more often, so that way he can run around and play. I don't want to, though. I want him to stay with me all the time. I'm always alone in my room, and now I have someone else so that I'm not lonely! Why wouldn't mom want that?
Bye for now,
Katta-Juugatsu.
~~~~
((Year 20019))
~~~~
Setting Gogatsu down gently, Juugatsu took her hand and led her to the living room to a romantic dinner by the chimney fire. He had cooked a fancy meal, put on his lover's favorite music, and at all this, Gogatsu looked very pleased.
Squealing she glomped him, merrily saying, "Oh, Juugatsu!! You're the best!!"
"It's nothing. . . I love you more than. . . life itself," Juugatsu said softly, though his voice was deep and rough. Slowly , they approched their dinners, Juugatsu seating his love before himself.
~~~~
Dear Diary,
It's October the 18th today. Mommy made me really angry. I went shopping with daddy, and she took CloudBurst out of my room. She let him run around and now I have to close my door at night, so that he stays. He crys during the day now if I don't let him out. I don't understand. He used to love me, alot. Now he won't stop crying. It's like he wants to get away from me. This is all mommy's fault. I hate her. She took away my kitty from me.
Katta-Juugatsu. . .
~~~~
((Year 2019))
~~~~
Gogatsu was seated patiently listening to music in the living room, while Juugatsu finished hand washing the dishes. After drying his hands, he returned to the living room for her.
Sighing, Gogatsu gazed up at him lovingly. When Juugatsu reached out his hand for hers, giving her and equally loving gaze, she rose slowly walking towards him.
"Tired. . . ?" Juugatsu asked her, his voice still quiet and kind, as always. After Gogatsu responded with a nodd, emplying a "yes," they walked hand in hand down the hall to their room.
~~~~
Dear Diary,
Today is October 25th. Mommy made me even more angry today!! She said that the only reason CloudBurst had liked me so much was because he didn't know that there were other people in the house. She said that that's why he doesn't like me as much anymore. I hate her. She makes me so angry, I want to scream and cry!! I want CloudBurst back. This isn't fair. I want to hurt mommy, too!! I don't like mommy anymore. . .
Katta-Juugatsu. . .
~~~~
((Year 2019))
~~~~
Cuddling closely, Juugatsu and Gogatsu whispered constantly, "I love you," between slow, romantic kisses. Holding each other tightly, Gogatsu the only warmth that Juugatsu could still feel, he whispered in her ear once more, before she drifted to sleep, "I love you. . . I love you more than anything. . . More than life itself. . ."
~~~~
Dear Diary,
This is October 28th. Mommy got really upset at me. I think I hurt CloudBurst. One time, even at night he scratched at the door to get out, and I couldn't take it!! I wanted him to be mine. I thought we loved each other. Like pets and their owners should.
I didn't understand, so I hugged him really tight. At first, he got louder, but soon he stopped. I thought he just fell asleep, or didn't want to go anymore. I went to bed and he stayed with me, but in the morning he didn't get up. Mommy came in later and asked where he was. I showed her were he was sleeping on the floor. She picked him up really slow and gentle and looked at him. Then she started screaming and crying, and when she left, she slammed the door and locked it so I can't get out!! I don't know why mommy doesn't like me. . . She's so mad.
I just wanted CloudBurst to stay with me forever and ever. . .
Katta-Juugatsu. . .
~~~~
October 13, 2019.
Dear Diary,
I know it's been years. . . but I have a confession I need to make. . . Last night. . . I think I. . . I think I murdered my beloved. . .
She had drifted to sleep, cuddled close with me, after an evening meal. . . I just. . . I just started thinking back on things. . . I remembered something. . . I remembered this diary, hidden in the wooden floor. . . and when I took it out, and read through it, I remembered alot of my childhood that I'd forgotten. . .
I remembered CloudBurst. . . My first kitten. . . I think. . . I think I killed him. . . It was only an accident. . . and mother had me sent away for it. . . That was my first visit with a shrink. . . My first mental hospital stay. . .
Remembering it. . . I remembered why I killed CloudBurst, too. . . Mother had said. . . that he would have not loved me if he wasn't so cooped up in my room. . . and I got so angry with her. . . I began hatign her that day. . .
I remembered why that upset me so much. . . Even at the young age of four, I had. . . I had endured alot. . . I had even started self harm. . . I wrote here, December 25th, 1995;
"I don't think I'm Christian anymore. I must not be because today doesn't feel like Christmas, anymore. I'm not happy, like I always am on Christmas, no matter what. I decided awhile ago that the God my parents believed in wasn't real.That must be it.
"See, the world can't hold anything holy. It's not good enough. I think mommy uses the word pure. It's not pure enough. I'm not pure enough. Even if that God existed, he couldn't love me. It can't happen. I'm not pure.
"So, I decided that blades were my God. They exist here. They're always there when other's never are. They ease my hurt. I think my God is my blade. Everyone has a God. It's just, not everybody knows it yet. That's what I decided."
When mother said that CloudBurst didn't love me. . . I had broken down. . . He was all I felt I had. . . I killed him October 28th, 1995. . . I was four years old. . . and desperate. . .
I think. . . That that must be why. . . I killed my beloved. . . I killed Gogatsu. . . .
. . . Katta-Juugatsu. . . .
~~~~
Dear Diary,
It's Holloween already. October 31st. Mommy sent me to a strange place. It looks like a hospital and a jail at the same time. They said they'd help me. I don't know what I need help with. I havn't written in so long because they took my diary. I think they read it. I don't like that. . .
Mommy said when she gave me the diary that no one else is supposed to read it. It makes me mad that someone might have read it. I really don't like it. . .
I learned the name of where I am just now. It's called **Shoal Creek Hospital. A man in all white said it when he walked by just now. He was saying something to one of the other kids here. I like some of the kids here, but some of them scare me. . .
I hope I can leave soon. I want to go home now. . .
Bye bye,
Katta-Juugatsu.
~~~~
((Year 2009))
~~~~
*News reporter on the television*
"It's your local NBNews at nine, I'm Ann Rice, and today, the first of November, 2009, many reports are being called into police stations about family cats being found mutalated on the streets. Many families have been left heart-broken, but no one seems to have seen any suspects or witnessed anything, at all. When questioning local policeman, they responded saying that this crime will not go unseen, and that their hearts go out to all the families whose Holloween was ruined with such a catastrophy. Anyone with any information is asked to call. . ."
A rough sounding man in his eighteenth year of life sits in the darkness of an apartment, chuckling at the television broadcast, and sipping more of a beer. Cleaning off a long blade, his thoughts wonder through the previous night. . . Writting it all down in his diary. . .
~~~~
((Year 2019))
~~~~
"What day is it Juugatsu?" asked a man with big black glasses, few grey hairs, and an all white attire.
"Today. . . Today is October 19th. . . 2019. . ," Juugatsu said softly, his head down, wearing a straight jacket and mussle. "Please, sir. . . Gogatsu. . . The bugs. . . They were trying to eat her flesh. . ."
"There was a fly. One fly. In your mental condition, I assume you thought you heard many. Mrs. ***Supuringu, Gogatsu, is at the local morge. Now, tell me Juugatsu, why did you murder her? Your lover?" asked the only other man in the room. A shirnk at Madison Center, a premanante home for many mental pacients.
"So long as they don't eat her. . ," Juugatsu said quietly, a thoughtful, anguished look apon his face. "I just. . . I wanted for Gogatsu. . . to stay with me. . . Forever and ever. . . I wanted to be with my love for the rest of my miserable existance. . . Without her feeling my pain. . . Sir. . . Havn't you ever loved someone. . . so much. . . . that you just wanted to kill them, and keep their corpse, forever. . . ?"
THE END
* Katta-Juugatsu is October cutter in Japanese. . . Juugatsu being October, and Katta- before a word meaning cutter. . .
** Gogatsu is May in Japanese. . .
***Supuringu is Spring in Japanese. . .
Perhaps the names make sense now. . . I couldn't just type October cutter for Juugatsu. . . and if he had a Japanese name, I figured Gogatsu would, too. . .
'Sides. . . I like Japanese names. . .
|
