Monday, April 11, 2005

But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find, and as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive . . . .
*clicks heels together* There is no conspiracy to ignore me, there is no conspiracy to ignore me . . . .

Sometimes I am so silly I shock myself.

I have failed in my life enough times that picking up the peices seems natural. My Mom tells me that she admires how nothing phases me for long but I feel that is a symptom of my illness. After all, you do what you have to right?

Looking at that paragraph it occurs to me that I'm belittling my accomplishments again. There is nothing wrong with recognising your successes, even though it isn't considered 'proper' to do so in this society.

Societal norms are overrated anyway. I rarely fulfill them and why should I feel beholden to do so?

I'm thinking of writing a book. Just a crap romance, but then they're the easiest ways to earn a living with my pen. That's one of the reasons I'm doing this journal. I feel that if I make myself write everyday then this book thing will be easier . . . going to start after my exams though.

I am miss being half of a couple. It's been so long since I've felt this way, and frankly I hope it passes soon.

*sigh*

I remember so clearly the way it feels to have warm skin against my own, someone else's breathe ruffling my hair. The smell of a man. The feel of hands on my bare arms. My roommate has been really physically affectionate since I lost my job, probably she can sense that I crave the contact, but it isn't quite the same.

I do very much enjoy the independence of being single however. Plus there isn't anyone nearby I want to be with right now.

I suppose it would take someone really special to keep up with me, I can be a difficult person to be with. Demanding affection and then pushing the person away when I get antsy. I want to be independent, yet I crave someone to depend on. At least I know have some idea about how exactly to go about having a healthy relationship. It is hard, but worth it. And I know what I want, not just a friend, but someone who 'completes' me. That's sounds really hokey, but that's the way I feel. I want a relationship that will never degenerate into 'we live in the same house but have different lives'. Though according to my courtship and marriage class that is the most common kind.

I refuse to settle!!!!

I don't care if people think my standards are too high, I would rather be alone than settle for second best, it wouldn't be fair to either of us.
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