Friday, October 30, 2009

Are you holding back like the way I do?
No, Jordan and I are not together and no all those things that I listed aren't things I get to do with her. I wish.

She's going to Minnesota.
I'm going to Milwaukee.
She'll be gone till who knows when.

But i'm leaving today so.. yeah.
I guess my uncle has internet so maybe i won't die of boredom.

I should try to go a whole day without talking to her... hah, doubt it.

She fell asleep in my arms last night. I had to try so hard to not completely break down and cry. I found it ironic that you just noded when I told you how bad this was getting. I don't think you understand.

Good.

I love talking to Danielle. She's awesome and i miss herrr.

Alright, i'm out of here.
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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I have been here many times before, hurt my self again today.
and the worst part is there is no one else to blame..

--

I cant believe you're actually going to leave her.. I never thought you would. The more I talk to you lately, the more i see you in her. If only just the good parts. You make me ask my self what it is i'm doing. why i'm caring so much. why i can't just let go of the hopeless. I know that nothing is going to come out of this so why am i wasting my time? because i have nothing better to do then waste my time since i don't see a point anymore.

I really wish I knew when I became so stubborn. When did I become someone who can't accept the fact that they can't have something? all my life i've never been able to have what I want and I always moved on, I always bounced back eventually. This is different though, why is this different? Because I saw you give it some possibility? Sometimes I feel like you taunt me with the possibilities. The things I'll never be able to have. I don't know if I'd rather have you push me away all those times I get to close to you, all those times I break the personal space rules. Call it cliche but I can't help but want to be in your arms because that's the only place that I don't feel this pain.. I hate it when I have to tear my self away from you and watch you back away from me because I always feel like I'm losing you. I feel like one day I'm going to wake up and you're just going to be gone.. why? Shouldn't it be the opposite way around? Will you ever even miss me? I've tried so hard to become someone who means something to you.. I know you can't love me, but why can't you care? Why does it seem like it pains you just to ask me if I'm okay? and why do I care enough to lie and say yeah, i'm fine? It doesn't break you like it breaks me when you're not okay.. but you're never okay. No. Never.

ehhh... /complain complain.

Jordan has to go to Minnesota Saturday-Tuesday... T_____T'' Sooo. I'm leaving town friday night.. She might be there even longer if her great grandma passes away.. I don't want to go to the opera without her.. Oh well. We'll hopefully get to go ice skating this weekend.. and I know that we're probably going horseback riding.. which sounds fun I guess.

I have such a beautiful plan. i'll even draw you a picture.

-jenny


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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

"I expected tiny french fries!"
Someone should have told me that it was possible to fall even harder.

i am so tired.

goodnight.
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Monday, October 26, 2009

Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you?
How come i'm the one that always moves away when you touch me but when I touch you you never pull away from me?
I don't understand myself.

How come we never talk about him? I wanted so bad to just say something tonight... but i can't because.. Honestly I am afraid. I'm afraid of how easy it is for you to hurt me.. for him to hurt me.

I could have fallen asleep like that. I could have died like that. Because nothing matters anymore. Nothing.
You have managed to sink so deep within me that I will never recover this time. I warned my self and everyone else that this time I wasn't going to make it out of this alive.. and I won't.

and.. I'm fine with that.

for now.
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Sunday, October 25, 2009

"i love you so much that it's going to give me heart cancer"
My weekends always go so fast. Oh well. I hope we get to make cupcakes tomorrow ;) She's doomed.

Okay so... I think that there was only about 20 people at the halloween dance but it was the funnest dance I've ever been to. I got to polka dance with my new friend Jackson and hacky sack with Cody and Justin. :) I love having guy friends. Started a mosh pit with jordan, michael, cody, justin, and matt and just sang as loud as we could to Skillet and Linkin Park. Also the DJ was a girl and she was dressed up in a nurses outfit and she was so hot xD Also she mistaked Jordan for a guy. wait, I suppose I shouldn't call that a mistake. Lol. It was great.

But yeah.. she can feel free to hug me like that everyday, all the time. :)

okay i'm done :D

-jenny
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Saturday, October 24, 2009

I think that keeping this up could be dangerous
2 years and yeah, i think i've finally moved on. Either that or I've become one selfish son of a bitch that only thinks about the present and the people in front of me.
either way you are everything that I am and I will make you proud.
History can repeat its self daddy.

--

Anyone ever play Ever Quest before? Jordan and I have been playing the free trial for awhile now and eventually i think we're going to get a subscription together.. haha. It's pretty cool cept' now I don't think I have any more memory on my laptop.. hahaa.

I'm going to a dance tonight and then Jordan is spending the night because her parents are going to see Daughtry in Madison. I'm excited.. even though all dances depress me.

I have Akira back now x3 I'm glad, I missed him and his constant pestering.

Oh yeah I think i might end up going to a birthday party today too for Rita's little sister.. I don't know, I don't really want to go but I'll go if Jordan decides to go.

I also need to go find out if Breaking Benjamin is on tour anywhere near here.. I really want to see them in concert! It would be awesome to go to a concert with her :D

alright, gotta run.

-jenny
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Friday, October 23, 2009

crawling underneath my skin.
why do the people we love so much hurt us like no other person can?

and maybe this is just a rhetorical question.
maybe i already know.

because i deserve it.
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Thursday, October 22, 2009

it's never enough
i'm so glad I get to see you today. :)

--

I can't wait for tomorrow night. we're going to have so much fun. :D
<3


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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I will never trust another soul.
Belinda; he would have been 46.

Stephy; your comment actually really made me laugh, lol. Thanks.

-----

i decided to skip school today because i just.. can't do it anymore.

hopefully tomorrow everything will be back to normal and the misery level can go down a bit.

haha.

my new kitty is being a pain in the ass. that's pretty much it.


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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I know it's crazy.
Happy Birthday Dad.
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