Wednesday, October 7, 2009

break away from everybody
"he knew exactly, how, when and where he'd do it."
i couldn't help but smile at that.

i'm going to try and post on here for 30 days straight. I will probably fail at this task.

Things are the best and worst that they have ever been in my life before.

It's like having something.
but it's always locked behind a door that i'll never ever be able to open.

goal: to make you happy, no matter how much pain i'm in.
well. at least until it's my turn to go home.

maybe someday someone will realize what i've been doing my entire life.
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Saturday, October 3, 2009

i'm trying to let you know that i'm better off on my own.
homecoming week.
means i've been busy.
all week.
for the past two weeks.
homecoming week
means i've spent a majority of my week
with jordan.
homecoming week means.
this is my second to last.
everyday i'm seeing life in a different light.
i held her hand on the way home from lacrosse last night on the way to the foot ball game.
and i fell asleep holding her hand.
i don't know if she was asleep
or if she was awake
but there was a point in time
when she was actually holding my hand.
maybe she thinks i didn't feel it.. but i did.
maybe you were to tired to realize it but you actually held onto me.
i gave up on making you mine.. so this, this is as good as it gets.

maybe i'm starting to go crazy.. or maybe i just don't want to believe that you'd willingly hurt me but maybe i can see him behind your eyes. I can tell when it's not really you. I can tell when you're hurting. I know when you're not okay, and when you're really happy. making you smile is the only thing that ever really trully makes me happy. Last night I thought that maybe.. well maybe you'd give in for a little bit. maybe I was just to drunk to notice that you did.

Pretend like you aren't pretending at all, okay?

what is the point of doing well in school if i'm just going to kill my self after i graduate anyways?
i have better things to focus on.
if you dissapear there is no point.
sorry mom, maybe i just want to see dad again.
maybe i'm just jealous that he got what i want so bad.

fucking october.
i hate this month.
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Monday, September 28, 2009

break apart her heart.
i wish i would have been drunk at least then i wouldn't have to remember it.
-_- Oh well.

You're amazing but sometimes you're just so naive.

Eh. I love you all the same.
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

she fuckin' hates me.
I'm doomed.
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Reality is just a fucked up dream.
I count my steps in the morning as if to will my self not to walk out into the middle of traffic.
if i could get to the top of the water tower there is no way i'd get back down alive.
but then again i'd rather see you see me put a bullet right through the center of what I gave to you.
I'd rather you see all the things you've done to me.
I love you so much that I want to see you suffer.
I have someone waiting for me in the afterlife so do I look like I care?
brand me like i'm some kind of slave with your name sketched deep within my skin,
the only beauty i've ever been able to obtain has been the substance that rushes out of my aching heart.
"No, but everytime I look at you it hurts to breathe."
you have me questioning my sanity, maybe none of this is even real.
and if I die I'll just be waking up.
if someone is looking after me then why do I feel so alone?
The only one I hate more then you in this world is my self,
and if I had a gun to your head I can't say I wouldn't pull the trigger because I can see the way you look at her and its killing me.
He could never love you as much as I do.
But go ahead and let him try.

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

You have managed to hurt me more then anyone in this world ever has.
and I still would die for you.
and I still would do anything for you.
and I still love you.
and I still hate you, and my self for that.

I've decided that you're trying to kill me.
that's got to be it.
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Sunday, September 13, 2009

with the power of alcohol one can get any outcome they want out of a given situation.

I love the way you breath. Please do it in my ear more often.

but god don't tell your boyfriend.
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Saturday, September 5, 2009

well...
that wasn't so bad.

i can't wait till fall fest.
imma go all out for her.
even though i'll regret every second of all of this
someday soon.


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Monday, August 31, 2009

when I close my eyes it's you I see
/yawnn...

school tomorrow.

ask me later how I feel about that.
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Sunday, August 23, 2009

don't read.
My summer went way to fast. i don't even want to think about school. i don't. i don't. i don't. it's not that i hate it, it's just that i don't want to go. and it's not that i'm lazy because i'm bored out of my mind most of the time. but I would be so fine with going back to online schooling. at least then i wouldn't have to deal with PEOPLE.

i am not a social person. not one bit. i haven't seen any of my friends in town for over a month. And i'm losing them. Which i mean is fine, whatever. I don't really need any one of them. it's less trouble for me if i don't have friends at school. It makes it all better then worse. but i'm the kind of fucked up person that will go back on these words sooner or later because i want nothing more then to have someone care about me but i'm getting so sick of caring that it's becoming impossible for me to even be positive.

i'm an angry person. I just don't know what to do with my self anymore. I can't will my self to do anything but what i have to do to get by normally. to every one else. I think i'm trying to grab on to the past because everything else is just slipping away. I'm slipping away and I don't know if I know how or care enough to do anything about it. I don't know, maybe it'll get better or maybe it'll just stay this way and I'll have to live with it.

What right did you have to tell me you loved me? I don't matter, that's the part you don't understand, i get it. I get all of it. Every fucking thing you've ever said to me has been some kind of fucked up dramatic story that I can barely believe. I don't know why I ever cared, why I ever bothered or why I gave up so many things for you because in the end no matter how much I think I've hurt you, I know you've hurt me more because I know I don't matter. I know you don't care. I know you never loved me. So stop saying it. Stop lying to me. I'm sick of it.

Yeah, I lie a lot. But I can handle it, I can keep up with it. I'm good at it and that's all that I've got going for my self. But don't tell me that what I say isn't true. Because I do know the truth, I know what I see and nothing you say can change that. Because it's right. fucking. there.

I refuse to take part in anything this year. I'm not going to change who I am to fit in with my friends. I'm not going to like something just because they want me to. Thats you, not me. I'm so fucking sick of having to pretend like I'm someone I'm not just because I'm afraid of losing you. Well you know what I don't really care if I lose you anymore. I mean I already did that didn't I? somehow I fucked up, somehow you won't forgive me. And somehow I just don't give a fuck.

I think what bothers me the most is the fact that I believed in you. I believed you. For once in my life I believed something someone said to me. You may not have loved me but I believed that you cared. You thought about me without me having to think about you and that meant something to me. The little things you said to me meant the world to me, and I was only surviving because of that. I threw everyone else away and that was okay. But now you're gone and I don't know if it'll ever be that way again but I guess that's what I get for taking you for granted. Holding on to something that could slip away so quickly. Something that did slip away so quickly. But I'm fine, believe me. I'm fine.

and i know i'm negative, i know i need to knock it off, i know i need to stop bitching and complaining and live with what i have. But I have been living with it. And you know I've shut up for a long time now. So get over it.

Hah. This song makes so much more sense now.
I don't know who I'm more pissed off at.
one of you.
or my self.

Either way.
Fuck it.


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