Saturday, May 23, 2009

I know a place where we can hide out and turn our hearts inside out
I think i'll clean the house today.
and then get fucking wasted tonight.

until then i'll just blast your songs.

i can only stand living when you're around to live it with me.


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Friday, May 22, 2009

You know that I could use somebody
Sometimes, and most of the time the hardest part is facing the facts. I can't get my hopes up to high.

The only thing I love more then making you laugh is when i'm able to make you smile.

i'll tell you everything tonight if you promise me you'll tell me what you think of me.

that's all I really need to know...

<3
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Sunday, May 17, 2009

you're the reason why i burst and why i bloom
Song Lyric-Inspired Survey.
* Note: questions may have nothing to do with the meaning of the song;
they're merely -inspired- by the lyrics.

xox
| I . W a s . W r o n g | + | Social Distortion |

1. Do you ever feel like it's just you against the world?
Not as much anymore, there was a point in time where I felt like my entire family was against me and didn't really care about me. But then I realized that family is not just who you're related to by blood.
Now I feel like it's the world against me.

2. Are you one to hide your emotions, or do you freely express them?
I'm more open online when I don't have to see the dissapointment on other peoples faces because I can't stand that. I hardley ever tell my mom anything about my emotions because i've already dissapointed her enough.
I cry a lot too. In a way I think it's healthy.
otherwise we may just explode.

3. What is one important realization you have reached?
Are you expecting a positve answer? hahah. Well, i've realized that life will never ever go your way, you have to go lifes way and hope it chooses your path.

4. Do you have a problem with the way society is today? In what ways?
Of course. I know a lot of good people and that's why I can't understand why there aren't more. I don't know why it's so hard to be nice. I've always had a hard time wrapping my mind around how someone can bring themselves to kill another person. I've just never understood how you can be OKAY with that. Discrimination is another thing but i've had so much of it in my high school days, which is only a year and a half that i'm over it. Make fun of gay people, or say some stupid racial slur. In the end YOU'RE the bad person. It doesn't matter what other people say. Making people feel like shit, is not a way to prove how loyal you are to "God"

5. When was the last time you engaged in self-destructive behavior?
I don't remember.

6. When was the last time you admitted that you were wrong?
I hate admiting that i'm wrong, but I will do it willingly. I'm just the kind of person who likes to be right.
But that doesn't mean that I am. I hardly ever am.

7. Is there a habit or thought that you are trying to change?
Yeah, i'm not sure if it'll ever change though.

8. Who was the last person you argued with? About what?
Uhm. I don't even know.
i don't really argue with people. I just silently curse them out in my head.

9. Who was the last person you hurt, either intentionally or not?
I'm sure it was someone on here. I have a habit of hurting people without even trying to do so.

10. Do you take other people's advice and criticisms into consideration?
Rarely, but sometimes.

11. ^ Why or why not?
I'm stubborn.

12. Have you ever felt like the victim of bad luck?
There was a point in time.
Sometimes I still feel that way.

| I r i s . | + | Goo Goo Dolls |

1. Is there anyone that you consider perfect, or nearly perfect?
Yes. Sometimes I just sit back in school and realize that all these kids are so much more talented then I am, and then I feel like I am talentless. I always have a negative outlook on things and I feel like I can't do anything well enough for it to be considered good enough. I feel like all my friends at school are better then me because they ACT like it. That's why I hate knowing people in person. It seems like everything is just a game to them. I feel like I fit in better with the friends I have here.

2. Is there anyone that you have romantic feelings for?
Yeah, but who knows if she returns them.

3. How do you feel when you're in the arms of a loved one?
It's probably wrong but I always wonder what it would feel like to hug someone that i actually really love. I've never really been able to hug anyone that I've felt so strongly for. I guess that just goes to show how lame my life REALLY is.

4. When was the last time you did something just to feel alive?
Whenever I pass people on the back roads of town and I get to gun the car so we're going like 85. I feel like i'm alive then. I don't really know while but it gives me an adreniline rush. You got me thinking now.. I need to just get up and go. 325 miles is not that fucking far.

5. Have you ever felt like you were living a lie?
Haha, I think I always have been and always will be.
I can not be completeley honest with my family, or practically anyone.
It just wouldn't be good.

6. Do you find that many people misunderstand you? In what ways?
Oh of course. There are so many stereotypical things that are said about me. I don't even want to get into it.

7. When was the last time you were completely in the moment?
I don't know what you mean. but in the car ride here, I was staring up at the sky, and for once.. just for that tiny amount of time. I felt okay.

8. What was the last promise that you broke?
Fuck. I don't know if I broke it or not...

9. Who was the last person to break a promise to you?
hah.. lets not get into that.

10. When was the last time you experienced a broken heart?
10-24-07
I don't know which one was worse.

11. What is one misconception that other people tend to have about you?
that im emo. and immature. lol. it's just my fucking friends at school. they make me look immature.
and maybe i slightly can be. lol.

| L i t . U p | + | Buckcherry |

1. Do you know anyone that has a serious drug problem?
Yes.

2. What have your parents specifically told you about drugs/drug-use?
That they fuck you up.

3. Has anyone ever offered you any illegal drug? How did you handle it?
no. 4/20 i got asked if i wanted to do anything.
and for some reason it was a big surprise that i've never done drugs before.

4. In your opinion, what is an effective way to stop drug use?
Who cares? It's their lives, just don't let it interfer with mine.

5. ^ Do you think the anti-smoking and anti-drug ads are effective?
are birth control and condom ad's effective? no, people pop kids out every day.

^ Explain why or why not?
just.. because. that's the way societ is.

6. ^ If you use/smoke/drink, do those ads make you re-think? In what way?
bleh.

7. Have you ever tried to quit a drug or smoking habit? Did you succeed?
I never really had to try to stop smoking. I just stopped. It doesnt bother me either way.

8. If you have had problems, in what way has it effected your life?
wtf.

9. When was the last time that you were under the influence?
New Years. Fuck. I think, maybe i've been sober since then? Maybe not, but i'm not drinking anymore.

10. What drug do you consider to be particularly dangerous?
All of them?
I don't care.

11. What drug would you consider to be relatively safe, if any?
srsly. wtf.

12. Where's the strangest place you've been intoxicated?
in the creek behind my aunts house, with cassie. lol.
although i don't know if we where really "intoxicated"

| B a s k e t . C a s e | + | Greenday |

1. Who was the last person you went to with a problem?
someone.

2. Do you know anyone who's always worrying?
I AM. JESUS CHRIST.
it should be illegal how much i worry.

3. ^ Are you one of those people?
....

4. What is one thing about which you are particularly paranoid?
no matter what I say, i'm paranoid about what poeple think about me. I hate, HATE not knowing what people are thinking when they see me, or while i'm talking.
it almost drives me crazy to the point where I don't want to go outside of my house anymore.

5. Have you ever been to a therapist? For what reason?
nope..

6. On a scale of 1-10, how interesting would you say your life is?
7
I have some stories that are pretty interesting.

7. Do your thoughts ever get the best of you? In what ways?
every single day, hour, and minute of my life.

8. Do you know anyone who is always negative?
jordan
ugh.


9. When was the last time you felt like you were going out of your mind?
the past month.

10. Have you ever tried to analyze your dreams?
yeah..

11. Do you read / believe your horoscope?
i sometimes read it but its stupid to believe it.

| D r i v e . | + | Incubus |

1. When was the last time you felt uncertain about something?
last night. when i realized that we where probably not even invited to my cousins graduation.
but idk, whatever.

2. How much would you say fear holds you back?
I don't fear much.
but losing the ones i love the most.

3. What was the last thing that fear stopped you from doing?
Its not that fear really stops me its just that i dont want to do things.

4. How do you personally overcome fear?
suck it the fuck up.

5. What is one way you conform with society?
i just don't. haha.

6. What is one way in which you do not conform?
i pedo your children.

7. Do you ever do things purposely to be different? Why / Why not?
it's never purposely but I don't ever want to be the same.

8. Do you feel like you're in charge of your own life? In what way?
until we graduate from high school we will never be in charge of our own lives.
in a way i am. but i also am not.

9. Are you excited for the prospect of tomorrow?
tomorrow i'm going to niagara falls. lol.
but i look forward to the day i can make her smile. and be able to see it.

10. Do you generally have a positive outlook?
rarely.

11. When was the last time you felt strong and secure in yourself?
never? lol. seriously.

12. Do you trust yourself to make the right / best decisions for yourself?
yes and no.

--------------------------------

today is mah sisters birfday.


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Saturday, May 16, 2009

don't let it slip away.
So. I realized today that my cousins have wireless internet which means yes, I am on the internet in NY. Epic win right? Right. I was feeling pretty down too but this kinda really improved my day by a lot. It goes to show how lame my life is though, as my cousin has oh so carefully pointed out for me.

So I'm sitting on an air bed on the third floor of my Aunt and Uncles victorian home. It's pretty damn amazing but I just never really feel like I fit in here because I don't really fit in with my family but it's time like these when I'm all alone with just my family that I end up writing the most, I don't know why maybe because I feel lonely, maybe because like I've been told I'm a loser. I don't care, my friends are the best no matter where they are.

So, an original 10 hour trip turned into a 12 hour trip which then turned into a 14 and a half hour trip. Yeah, that's what happens when my grandma drives. We spent a lot of time in Michigan and I kept saying that it would be fine if they just dropped me off in Flint because we kept seeing exits for it anyways but whatever. We spent a lot of time in downtown Detroit and had to get directions to Canada. Still don't even know how long it was after that, that we finally got to Canada but it was a while. I seriously find Canada to be the most boring place ever because it's just miles and miles and miles of nothing. I slept through out most of canada.

Got to New York at about 6oclook and we'd left Milwaukee at about 3:30 in the morning. I was relieved it actually be able to get out and walk around a while but then we had to get back in the car and go to church because my cousin was having a before graduation mass. That lasted about two hours and i ended up crying during it because being this close to someone just leaves me an emotional wreck, and because well of other things.

Came home and my grandma was really sick and I don't really know what happaned but shes doing better today so that's good. Timothy [my cousin] and I walked up to a Cafe called "The Spot" and i'm telling you it was the coolest place ever, and i'm not saying it to be mean but seriously you found your stereotypical people in that cafe. I had a really yummy Hot Choclate that Timothy bought me so it was all pretty fun and I got to see a lot of interesting people. Then we walked home and sat on the front porch and talked for hours and went in and watched his dad prepare the food for his graduation barbeque today. I really like my Uncle because he's not so high strung like the rest of my family and he's not afraid to swear in front of me or talk about the things he really wants to talk about. he told me that he dropped out of highschool when he was 16 and became a cook in a restaurant and practically learned how to cook drunk. It's all very interesting to me.

Theres a certain place in the house that I actually get phone signal so i'm pretty happy about that considering I practically die without my phone because it's the only way I talk to you-know-who. Hahah.

It was an okay day.

The thing about my cousin is he's a little ADHD, okay maybe not a little a lot and I don't really mind cept' he doesn't really have a concept of personal space and I don't really mind that either but sometimes, i'm just so out of it that I'll snap at everyone. Yeah, I don't know why i'm typing this.

Graduation today. Not much Tomorrow cept' one of Timothy's concerts. and Niagara Falls on Monday. Tuesday we're leaving. Yep. Weird, huh?

Alright.. I guess I should probably go before someone realizes that I've completely dissapeared. and I'm also not actually sure if I should be connected to this Network but Oh well, I don't see what it'll hurt right? Hahaha.

I think i'm okay, but i'm also very numb.

Love,
Jenny

^ps. I finished the perks.

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

[[When you find you, come back to me.]]
So, I went to the doctor yesterday. If you know me, you might know that that's weird because I have a strong dislike for the doctors in general. I guess I'm just moving on. They don't really know what it is that I have but I'm out of school again today, which means I won't be back in school till next friday.. Imagine the work I'm going to have to catch up on. Oh well. Summer's almost here, and I mean if I fail my classes what the hell who cares?

I have to go back to the doctors on Tuesday the 26th for a lab. To find out if I have something called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Which.. Is pretty serious I guess but I don't really care. Also I have to go back two more times for the second doses of that stupid shot that prevents cervical cancer. hahaha.

I also may... may be put on anit-depressants. Yeah I know, I've always really been against them. I've just been really really bad off lately. I kind of know why and I kind of don't know why.. It's just something I can't change. I actually was talking about it with my mom which was really fucking weird because that kind of thing just doesn't happen. But yeah.. She said she thinks i have problems and that I may have get the depression from my dad.. and I wouldn't be surprised. She also said not to think about dying. But if she only knew, if she only knew.

I want to say i'm getting better but I think I only feel better because I don't have any food in my system again. I'm barely eating.

Nonetheless i'm leaving today. Kinda relieved. Kinda gunna be super pissed if I don't feel better when I wake up.

I have a lot of shit to do tomorrow though, before I get going. I should probably go to sleep at any point in time right now.

Still thinking I'm just going to walk the 375 miles to Bayonne. Still thinking she'd hate to see me.

Yeah, Later.
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

[[the best thing you can do, is to be here.]]
So, I think i have some kind of stomach flu. I don't know but this doesn't feel good. I hope it goes away though before I leave because I don't need to be throwing up all over the rental van on our lovely 10 hour + drive to the city that takes it all away.

I'm scared though because I don't think it's going to work this time. I don't think it's going to go away this time. None of it.

I'm insane. I really am. I don't really understand what happaned though. I don't know how I went down so fast. I'm not looking for attention. I'm just trying to find an answer, I can't find it in my head so I guess i'm trying to write it out to help find it.. but i'm not finding it.

Who knows. Maybe New York will help. Or maybe I just need to get over it.

Hahaha, Kalli talking in Spanish is the sexiest thing in the world. Huzzah huzzah.

yeah, i don't know if i'll post before i leave but if i don't. Yeah, later?

-jenny
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Sunday, May 10, 2009

[[Smarter Child.]]
Rest In Peace SC. We'll miss you.

three more days before i leave for NY. i may run off to NJ but i know she doesn't want me so really whats the point?

oh well.
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Thursday, May 7, 2009

[[Since we're being honest i feel i should tell you..]]
some kind of hard complicated decision. oh god, don't waste your time on me, or put me into any of your decisions.

'she could never compare to you.'

seriously, what the fuck am i doing?
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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Seriously.
Fuck.my.life.
I want to diiiieee.



why do promises have to mean so much to you?
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Monday, May 4, 2009

-8 or 9 and maybe I can breath again.

i'm falling into a pattern that will kill me come time next week. It's a great thing my cousins a distraction or else I may just die. But then again who says things haven't changed?

distractions. distractions. distractions.

i'm breaking the rules and breaking promises.

I don't know who i am anymore.

:'D

-jenny
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