Friday, June 20, 2008

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooyyyyyy
yes, it is 6 oclook at night and im deciding to post. but i dont really know why.

things i've been doing latley.

1)envying a guy named garret
2)craving her attention
3)talking to people from my past who pass out in ice cream bowls
4)needing/wanting a new bike
5)reading twilight [which is very good by the way i love vampires]
6)sleeping too much.
7)writing about my self again. [this doesn't sound as bad as it seems to be but i consider autobiographys to make me look rather conceited...]
8)been thinking about my past latley. my past as in 9 months ago.
9)I've been having nightmares about my dad. How can a person die twice?

Jealousy has been knocking at my front door to fucking often latley... I completley ignored her today for no good reason but i think she gets the idea.

someone tell me why i can't get over this? -sigh- My summer is dull. so here's some of my most emo poetry yet :D

Here's directly to the point.
Directly to the point where i explain to you whoever you may be,
that there's no way in loving me.
No way my desires, my hopes, my dreams and my never ending mysteries
can ever be solved, can ever be calmed.
No way that my empty longing roaming heart can ever be fulfilled.
There's no way to fix a heart that can no longer be found.
The blood running threw my veins leads to nothing but a dark wound
And Oh honey, this is just another dose of sweet emo poetry.

XD That, was emo. And that is all.

-jenny


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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I'm so sick of making lists of things i'll never finish
ugh. I have a headache. hangover? doubt it.

I hate tuesdays. now and forever, because tuesday was shitty. but i suppose i should talk about monday first huh?

Monday i went driving with my driving instructer and one of my other friends. not to be harsh because i know it was only her second time driving but i swear i thought we where going to die. for a minute i thought she was going to drive us into the mississippi river. -_- I did okay though. He told me i park good and that i take my turns well which made me sort of happy considering i was scared to death and it was the first time i'd drove in a long time.

I haven't been eating right at all. I don't mind but i think it's making me sick. Sunday i didn't eat until 8 oclook that night and i barley ate. [cept for the mashed potato's i piled in. XD cassie.] and then monday i was at school from 10-4 and i just didn't feel like eating at all mostly because i was terrified and a little sick. Yesterday I found a couple things out that made me want to throw up my insides, really. I just don't feel like going on anymore.

It fucking scares me how im so emotionally commited to [her] and how i don't hardly mean shit to her.. Which is okay because i mean that's the way it's always been right? fuck. but she'll be gone soon so i'll have to move the fuck on. but the thing is i CAN'T. and that scares me because im good at moving on.



Yesterday seemed to be emotional break down day for my mom and sister. They where both crying over my dad and i felt bad because i couldn't cry about it. I've never cried about it in front of them. I guess because i feel like i have to be the strong one. but its really not that. I really have no emotions when it comes to that situation for some reason. I don't miss my old house, i don't miss my old neighborhood. The only thing i really do miss there is nikky and she means more to me then some stupid house does. They say that our "memories" are in that house. Fuck memories. It's not like we had any good ones. I don't know why they'd want to remember them. I don't really understand memories it hurts like hell to think about the past when you can't do anything to get the past back or change the past. There's no fucking sense in even wasting my time thinking about the past. What's done is done. I've learned that i will never ever be able to change the past. and as far as changing the present goes? What's the use. I don't know what i'm doing anymore. Just going with the flow and waiting for the times i get to sleep. but even my fucking dreams are haunting me.

ugh. -_- I just want SOMETHING to go right for once. maybe then it'll shut up my stupid ass bitching.

but for now i have to go to drivers ed. -_-

-jenny
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Thursday, June 12, 2008

I wont live to see another day, i swear its true because a girl like you is impossible to find..
I'm not going to drivers ed this morning for a couple reasons. 1) If i see jordan i might end up crying through the two hours of drivers ed. 2) I feel emotionally and physically sick to my stomach, and my head. 3) I'm tired. Tired of everything, but too tired to sleep.

Jordan tried to walk to my house last night and let me tell you she lives 15 miles away from my house and she would have to walk on Highway 27 which is an interstate.. and people around here drive crazy at night. She kinda talked her self out of it though, my mom even offered to go get her. It's amazing how much i care about this girl. It rips threw my soul because she wont let me help her and i almost had my chance last night... but we both would have payed for it. but i suppose if it means anything to me she trusts me enough to tell me almost everything. Not whats wrong. just how whats wrong makes her feel.. and how she can't stand humans. I'm foolish sometimes, i want to believe that maybe this means she loves me, if not just a little bit. but god damn i love her.

I realized this is the longest i've been alone since i got with brittany. I was always with someone. I'm a whore. I'm selfish and un-greatful.

I don't deserve all the good things i have because i take them for granted... Sometimes i wish i could just destroy myself all together. I wish i wasn't the way i was. if jordan takes her life i can't promise any of you i'll still be here. I don't know if i can live my life knowing she died and i could have done something.. i could have done something..

-jenny
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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

put me to sleep evil angel
today was

SO FRICKEN BORING. my summer is boring. T.T

but luckily i have great friends to make up for the shittiness in my life :]

-GOING TO BED NOW-

-jenny

P.S Im thinking about starting a youtube show~~~~~ cuz im full of lolz. lawlz.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

ignore this entire emo rant.
I am too nice for my own good. Seriously. I need to stop making promises. I need to stop caring and I need to stop loving people in general. For once i just want someone to love me and not have it be complicated but i somehow make it complicated anyways. And as for the person who does love me? I can't love her because im too afraid of hurting her. But everyone else... god they've all minipulated me and im done with it.. which is a lie because i will continue to torture my self with this.



i'd tell you how emo i really was today but i dont want to sound more emo then i already am sounding and right now my eyes are getting tired so even though i know im missing something im going off too bed..

-jenny
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Saturday, June 7, 2008

i guess i'll go home now..
RAINBOWS.
-__-
this is kind of a conspiracy
considering my mood at the moment.

thats all i had to say

im going to go write emo poetry now. and.. well.. yeah.

-jenny
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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

if love is not enough...
today was a very very very emotional day
and i dont really know what to say about it except...
1 more day and then i can fucking SLEEP.

im really worried about jordan though.

andidontknowhowmuchlongericantakethis.

-jenny
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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

the sky looks different when your in another state

I realized today that jordan is the fuel to my poetry...


thursday is our ramen day! must get ramen and pocky for lunch hehe x33

-jenny

-Maybe i care too much. .
maybe im trying a little bit to hard.
to try and make you love me.
but my instincts are much stronger
then my will to give up
my hope is held too high
and my ego is rising to fast
i never thought id fall for you. . .
that's a lie-
i knew i would
just didnt know id fall this hard
its kind of odd
how your silence speaks to me
kind of weird, how i want to know you more
i cant get you off my mind
cant keep you out of my dreams
and god this is killing me
this never ending cycle
of chasing after things i cant even have
but i'll never give up on you
because your the only thing ive ever been determined on.
the only thing in my life thats ever made a bit of sense....-
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Monday, June 2, 2008

What if i told you, you where all i needed?
Belinda, I do know that jordan is straight. doesn't stop me from trying though. But i gave up on relationships. =[ Oh well right? I wouldn't break your heart... i try not to break my friends hearts...

---------

This week is full of nothing but finals.. i have a math and english final tommorow and a history project due tommorow. -sigh- im failing my computer lit class because im so behind in it so most likley i'll have to take it again next year. T_T and i have to take physics with the freshmen next year... oh well. I got my english paper back today and i got a C on it but my teacher said that it was one of the best papers she read. ironic huh?

jordan still makes me nervous and i had to resist the urge to hug her to death today.

We watched a movie in english today and the boy shot him self in the head. It was kind of weird. It wasn't a complete shock to me because my teacher had pulled me to the side and told me that there was something in the movie that she thought might affect me. She has no clue though, that movies will never compare to the real feelings that happen in real life when something like that happens. It was still... odd.

I couldn't sleep last night.. i woke up every hour practically.. for some reason i had something on my mind that i couldn't get OFF my mind. i hate it when that happens.

but, 3 more days of school. -sigh-

¢¾jenny
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Friday, May 30, 2008

But who could love me? I am out of my mind..
I'm having an anime marathon tonight with Jordan.
She's coming to my house to protect me from Richard
Since I plan to break up with him today
.....
And it's just going to blow his mind when he finds out that his ex girlfriend and his soon to be ex girlfriend are best friends. :3
Ha ha yeah I'm evil I know.
I'm probably too happy about this but oh well
My mom practically forbid me to break up with Richard because then their would be no one to watch the dog.
......
In other words she's saying we wouldn't be able to go to Michigan.
But I think I have it solved..
I think..
Ugh. Sometimes I wonder why I even try.

Oh well.
Tonight will be fun.
I get to spend more time with jordan..=//

Later

¢¨újenneh

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