Sunday, January 22, 2012

Some things change over time and some stay the same. I'm still the attention deprived child that I was four years ago and I'm still at a loss for what I'm doing with my life. Not much has changed there. What has changed blows the non-changed things out of the water though. I can't write anymore, I can barely write this out without smashing my head against the concrete wall besides me. I believe I've lost, oh what's it called, my inspiration? A muse, yeah I guess a lost a muse. The sad thing is my muse used to be my sadness. My depression used to fuel my writers fire and now that I'm 'normal' as some would say I have little to write about but that doesn't stop my brain from overflowing with what if's and what could have been. No, I am still stuck in that place between what would have happened had the things in my past never happened. If death hadn't knocked on my door, and my families. If I hadn't lost the person who I swore I couldn't live my life without. If I hadn't made friends with new people, if I hadn't lost those friends. Summers with a best friend that I lost through my own doing. Sometimes I sit and wonder why I push people away, why I break or destroy all of the good things in my life and then I realize that its always because I don't think that I deserve them in my life. Yes Jenny is the same girl who feels like she isn't worth much. I doubt quite often that that will ever change in my life. Hell, i'm almost 20. If these feelings have been here for over 5 years will they ever leave? I'm still just as lost. and I blame you.

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Sunday, December 11, 2011

So I really should be doing a paper right now but I'm so sick of staring at the document with nothing else to say but my english professor said it wasn't good enough so I guess I have to try and make it better.. somehow.. I have four papers, 1 test, 4 assignments, 1 quiz, and 3 final tests until I am completely done with my first semester of college. I am so ready to be done too, I just want to sleep, ugh. I notice that I get a lot more homework done when I sit in the kitchen where theres no internet.. hmn, this is so counter productive. I also thought that my computer was dying on me today. It wouldn't turn on and I had to do a full system restore, and then I had to do it again because I couldn't get Microsoft to work so I couldn't get to my papers that I'd already finished! I was about ready to go crazy if I had to write those papers all over again but luckily I repaired it somehow. Ugh, this computer better not die on me because I don't have any money for a new one. I'm still paying for this one! Speaking of money, I haven't been able to punch in my hours so I can actually get paid because the universitys system isn't letting me do anything. SO, I should have gotten a check this week but I didn't and now I won't get paid until sometime in January. I'm so pissed. Although at least it'll be a bigger check once I finally do get to get one... If you can call about 16 hours a big check... -_- ugh, such is the life of a college kid. I'm excited that I might be getting a car though haha. Not that i have the money for gas and insurance but, yeah. It'll be nice to not have to walk everywhere. I made a new world on TheO. Just to get out of my own head for a bit. I don't know if it's helping or not though. I've been obsessed with Glee lately. (I know, I know, that was so two years ago) Well, I never got to watch any of it when it first premiered but now that it's on netflix I've been watching the seasons and I'm almost done with the second season. Lets just say I'm into any show that has an angsty gay story line. Yeah, yeah, pathetic I know. I'm also obsessed with the Oregon Trail game on facebook but i've managed to stay away from it today otherwise I wouldn't be getting ANYTHING done. Well, I suppose I should go do that paper now.... Later~

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Sunday, December 4, 2011

It's been awhile hasn't it MyO? I actually almost forgot about this place until my friend (SepiaZombie) reminded me about it and I realized that I kinda miss this place. In three weeks I'll be done with my first semester of College. It's been good I didn't think it'd be this good but it is. I'm holding a 3.7 GPA right now, which is good enough for me. Next semester I only have classes on Tuesday and Thursday. Although it'll be nice my Thursdays will suck because I have classes from 9-7:30 at night! Oh well. I'm looking forward to having Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays off. I can't believe it's almost Christmas! I did most of my christmas shopping last night. It's nice to be able to christmas shop for once. I've gotten my sister a few things and my mom a few things. I still need to get some stuff for her. I also got something for Jordan but need to get something else, I hope she likes what I've gotten her so far. My work study job only gives me 8 hours a week but it's better than nothing I guess and until I get a car I can't see being able to get another job. My mom may buy Jordan and I a car in January when she gets her taxes back. I'm excited. My mom's the best. Jordan and I are doing good too. The day after Christmas is our two year anniversary! Also her birthday is on the 19th. Oh jeez, I have to find her a birthday present somehow, hmn.. Life is good, despite being a broke college kid and not living at home anymore things are pretty normal now as normal gets. I hate most everyone we live with but I wouldn't expect any less. Garrett and Gabe live on campus and we spend a lot of time with them. We've been looking for an apartment off of campus to rent together. It'd be nice but I don't see it happening any time soon. As for my major, I've changed my major to Early education and i'm minoring in Journalism. I'm sure I'll change my mind a few times before I actually decide what I want to do. I've got plenty more to ramble about but I guess this is enough for now. Happy Holidays! -Jenny

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Saturday, July 2, 2011

@Stephy - Thanks. I thought I wasn't on your friends list anymore? @thefuz Thanks for the kind words, you're a nice person :) I'm glad people here still care and listen (or read haha) ----- Yeah, I know it was an angry post but when you have no one else to talk to and no where else to go I guess I heard towards myO. The great bitching site. So yeah, it's been a few months. Can't say I'll be around that much. Just thought I'd make a regular post instead of my usual emo ones. I don't have a job yet which sucks ass. Really. I need the money and I keep spending money that should be going towards money I need to use for food in College. Not cool. Yeah, life is kind of fucking me lately but that's alright I guess. My mom got a new car last week. Which means I rarely drive now because she doesn't want me to wreck the car. Speaking of wrecks, graduation weekend my car was in a wreck. Kind of. I was parked outside a friends house at a graduation party and it was like 1 in the morning and an Amish buggie rammed into my car because he claimed he couldn't see me. It was interesting. Graduation was interesting in general. I won't miss many of the people from my class. No, not really. Jordan and I are doing well as well. Waiting to move out of this town and get going with our lives. She got a tattoo yesterday and her belly button pierced last week. It's cute ^_^ Other then that I feel another summer of being addicted to Baking Life on facebook coming back. Oh god. Later~

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Friday, July 1, 2011

If I remember right, you're the one that keeps coming around. I never asked you to come back. I say I need you but I really don't. I'm manipulative, remember? Tricks, what tricks? I didn't trick you into anything. I didn't make you stay. If you feel the need to stay, don't. Don't fucking pity me. This is why I never tell you how I'm feeling and just sit around and listen to the things that you're feeling. I try hard to make you feel better but I don't, so why do you even bother coming around? You can't criticize my situation when you're in almost the exact same fucking one. When you find an answer then maybe we'll talk. I don't push. and if I do, please push me away. I don't care anymore. I don't fucking care. You used to mean a lot to me, but right now I don't really care if I never fucking talk to you again.
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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Belinda: yeah, I feel the same way about tanning but you wouldn't believe how white I am. Emily: haha, okay i'll post a picture. Yeah, I wish my high school wasn't full of idiots. My school won't throw a bitch fit when we go to prom but her dad will if we 'look like a couple.' he's in denial. the school cant do anything but it doesn't stop the kids from being assholes. ------ I don't see what you're trying to accomplish my breaking off contact with me. I don't need to forget about you, you're the one who can't seem to forget about me. --- Well this weekend didn't really seem to work out the way that I thought it was but it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Except today I'm bored out of my mind. Friday Jordan, Logan and I went to go see HOP and it was actually a good movie. Not one I'd planned on going to see but good no less. I don't know. I just have such an annoying family. They're all attention starved and complain all the time. I can't wait to move and never have to deal with them again. I guess I'm just a horrible person but I can't stand them and they mostly can't stand me. that's my dress ^ I'm kinda wondering if I should wear it to Prom or not. I don't really have any choices for another one. oh well, we'll see. I'm so bored. _jenny_

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm not the only one to blame you know? I tried hard to make what we had work but in the end it just wasn't enough and it's not my fault that I fell in love with someone else. I'm sick of feeling like i'm the only one to blame. The truth is that we had wouldn't have worked out in the end and I wish you'd just realize that and move on.. I do still want whats best for you and i know for a fact that I never was and never would be what is good for you. --- It's been a really busy week lately, hence the fact that I haven't been posting much. Monday I had my job interview and that went okay, I probably didn't say all the right things because it was my first one but I tried. He could tell that I was nervous. Everyone can tell when I'm nervous. And... well in short, he called me Tuesday and left me a voicemail and told me that I didn't get the job. I wasn't really expecting to get it though so it's okay. Theres a diner hiring in Westby that I think i'm going to try and apply too. I could apply to McDonalds but I know too many people who work there and i'd rather not work with people I know. I want to work in Sparta so I'm closer to Stritch's house when I house sit for him in the summer since he'll let me drive his truck to work (which is a stick, and I don't know how to drive a stick but oh well) I don't know. It's so fucking hard. I just really need/want the money. I'm almost 19 years old. I shouldn't be mooching off my mother anymore. Nonetheless though she bought me my graduation dress the other day. It's really pretty but not something I'd ever have imagined my self to wear. I don't have a prom dress yet but I'm going to have to get to it considering prom is in two weeks. Speaking of prom Jordan and I are going tanning Monday. Which is something I vowed to never ever do but I look like a fucking ghost when I wear dresses so it's for a good cause I guess. It'll probably be the only time I go anyways. Part of me doesn't even want to go to Prom but my baby has such a beautiful dress that I couldn't ever say no to that. Plus it's our senior prom and I love dancing with her :) I've been getting into manga again. I've been reading the D.N. Angel series finally. It's really good. I want to read Gravitation again but I can't find anywhere that has it. My library doesn't and my barnes and noble doesn't. I could order it online but I don't have any money.. -_-; Huh. The day of silence is tomorrow. I'm doing it. But we didn't make a big deal of it like we did last year. I don't want a repeat of last year with all the harassment and homophobes and assholes and it just made me so angry so i'll do it in silence because I always will be silenced in this world. Sadly nothing I do, or anyone else will ever stop that. Oh, i'm finally going to the doctor tomorrow to get my knee looked at. I have no clue whats wrong with it but we'll see. welp, if you read this i congratulate you and apologize. _jenneh_

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Sunday, April 10, 2011

closer to the edge
It was like 80 today, but we were on a tornado warning for like two hours so It wasn't all that fun, plus it was humid as hell so it wasn't very comfortable in my room considering there is no happy medium for me. It's either freezing or boiling.

brunch was fun. I would have been able to have driven Jordan and I by myself and then we could have done more but the check engine light is on in my car. Something always goes wrong when i want to go somewhere on my own. I can't even go to my job interview by my self tomorrow, my mom has to drop me off and then go try to get the car fixed. I'm still nervous, it doesn't help that i don't really know what to say at a job interview considering this is the first one I've ever had. Ah well. I'm not that worried.

I'm hoping I do get this job though because my grandma is coming next weekend and I do not enjoy being home when she's here. She ruins my weekends.. Ugh. Not only is it her, but it'll be her my aunt and my uncle. Joy. And Jordan works next weekend so there's no where to gooo.. Hmn, oh well.

I got my graduation invites. lol leave me your address if you want one from me xD

_jenny_


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Friday, April 8, 2011

Seeing people posting a lot more reminds me of old times. Like things are back to normal. Almost...

I'm going out to breakfast tomorrow morning with Jordan and our friend Lexi and friend Kysusha (kesenya) she's a foreign exchange student from Ukraine. She's really nice and everything, she's even fluent in English. She just really reminds me of a girl I'd see in a foreign porno. Haha which isn't a bad thing.

Im nervous about my job interview on Monday, it's at culvers and from the application they seem to take personal appearance very seriously. Im afraid they won't hire me just because of my gauges. I could understand if they were worried about them falling out then I'd willingly take them out but since they're tunnels there's no way they could ever fall out of my ears. I don't know if I'm willing to give up my favourite part of me for a job.

Other than that nothings new. Im just waiting for graduation.

_Jenny_
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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Really?
really where did all this time ago? How was it one minute 2007 and now it's 2011? four fucking years passed me by and I never even noticed. How am I here? How did this happen? How did high school fly by.

I miss everything about four years ago. I miss all the people that made me who I was. I will never be able to let go of my past, even thought it's already let go of me.

I do not want to grow old, I don't want to be a responsible adult. But I am, everyday I'm making decisions for my self. I don't feel like I fit in high school anymore because I can't handle their form of immaturity. The discrimination is what bothers me the most, but I'm going to have that where ever I am. I'm really just not happy with the world that I live in. If I could just live in a community with the people I know, the great people here..
Things would be okay. But I draw out a world full of perfection without realizing that perfection is un-attainable.

I need to realize that, and face the facts that this is the way it's going to be. This is what this life is.

Don't get me wrong. I finally have what I've always wanted and I realize everyday that I am so lucky to have the best girlfriend ever. She is so good to me when I can be the shittiest person ever. I just hope she realizes how much I love her and that she doesn't have to worry because If I ever left her, I'd be signing my life away.

How can I kill myself when I've finally learned how to live?

Please Jenny, just change. Cheer up a little bit. Life isn't the bad. Not if you make it better.

Goodnight MyOtaku. I miss you.

_jenny_
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