Monday, April 4, 2011

i have a job interview on monday.
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Sunday, April 3, 2011

the story is just beginning
in the end
i'm always the bad person
i've learned to live with this
because i know i am
i accept that i am
but it doesnt mean that i like it.
i wish i wasn't so much like you
i wish my heart wasn't so guarded
so rough around the edges
from years of fending people off
from keeping everyone out
because everyone I wanted in
kicked and killed any hope I had.
bitter.
from every day i spent afraid of you.
rage.
from everything i found out after you were gone, from every word left unspoken between you and i
resentment.
for being the weaker one, the one that just can't hold up to it all.
fear.
i can't stand the thought of losing you. I can't live or leave this world without you.

why do i hurt everyone around me
everyone i know i've hurt at one time or another
my family, my friends, my girlfriend, everything.
i ruin everything.
I deserve all the pain I feel because of who I am, because of the way I treat the people who love me.
it's not fair.
i'm not fair.
how did you die while i still sit here 4 years later, alive and well?
but i'm not.
not yet
soon.
September can't come any faster then it is.
i wish we didn't have to come back
i wish i could run away
like my family is famous for doing.
it's in my blood to run,
to run away from the things that I can't handle
the things that are too hard.

why do i run if i know i'm right?
why don't i fight when i know i can win?
why do i back down when i know i'm doing the right thing?
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Monday, March 28, 2011

oh these time are hard
life feels real,
(sometimes)
and I'm hoping that you're willing enough
to bring me to life.
because I can't hold up this head
any longer then I have to.
I wish i knew where this life was going
besides where i never thought it would
never thought I'd live
never thought I'd see 18
did you know that?
how many things did you see coming?
i wish I didn't wonder.
i wish i didn't feel sometimes.
i wish i could see you again someday.
if written words have it right,
well you and i we're going to the same place.
oh well.
i'd rather be there than anywhere with these people.
no.
i'm swimming through this ocean
and i'm hoping you'll make it out with me.
cuz' I can't swim through this storm without you.

---

i'll live.
we'll live somehow.
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Sunday, March 27, 2011

they said if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat you away.
i hate change.
life feels weird now.

---

and I meant everything I said that night.
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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Theres nothing wrong with a taste of what you paid for.
i feel you underneath my skin
like a hurricane that rocks at bay
the way i stop you in your tracks,
it feeds my desire to control
you, me, and everyone.
i'm not as calm as i seem
a heart of stone that beats against my chest
like pounding waves on ocean rocks.
stop me before i become to much

---

i need a vacation.


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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

It saves me from my self in times of envy when i'm missing everyone...
I'm walking through unguarded territory.
treading water that cant keep me afloat
but i do it for you.
yeah, i do it for you.
everyday is a repeat of yesterday
yet the dates keep flying by
and I don't have the strength to check
just how long it's been
I give up on you, I give up on me.
feed me these pretty lies
this means nothing to me
but I'd kill to hear those three words from you
I need something new,
We've been here for too long.
It's all old news and i'm sick of all these faces.
every morning is a struggle without you by my side.
what was life like without every weekend in your arms.
warmth is the only thing that keeps me going.
the hardest part is saying goodbye
but you've got better
you've got better.
I like to ask you questions,
i just pray you're not lying.
i make promises to that upper power that get me through it all
but i never pay it back,
no i never pay anyone back.
please baby, love me for who I am at night
not who I am during the day.

-------------------------------------------------

Belinda: I'll come ride your bus baby xD

Stephy: I'm sorry I don't post all the time anymore lol I'll try to more often. I only remember most of the bad parts of my childhood too. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing either.
We should catch up sometime! tell me the next time you're on msn! :)

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Monday, March 21, 2011

Do you ever feel like the past isn't real? Like it happened but not to you? Like the people from your past are just strangers and not people that you actually did know once upon a time?

So many flashbacks echo through my mind at the weirdest times and I wonder if they mean something more then just my nostalgic self wanting pity. But from who? I don't speak about my past. I don't talk about him, or her, or what my life used to be like. Why? Because I don't want to remember.

I don't want to be my father. I really don't but I see more and more of him in me everyday. Couldn't you have taught me something better then bottling things up and keeping them inside until they come out in this abusive way? Dear god, if I ever hurt you more then I already do I don't know what I'll do with myself. I'm not capable of bearing that guilt.

Are you still the person I used to know? I'm happy for you, believe me. I just wish I was still a part of your life.. Huh.


I think I lost my interest in driving when i realized what burnt flesh smells like. Negh...

ohwell.
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Sunday, March 6, 2011

love is our weapon
I've been getting into NSN again. but I hate what it reminds me of. But then again I always have been the kind of person to love the things/people I hate.

I had a really shitty week. I hope this whole month isn't this shitty. I cried a whole lot more then I ever want to again.

School is shit. Classes are shit. We have a student teacher in our CE class that pisses me the fuck off. He has no fucking personality at all. We've been studying the death penalty for almost a fucking month and i'm so god damn sick of it that i'm about ready to murder him or really tell him my view on murder.

I'm such a stubborn person. I fucking hate it. I don't know what my problem is half the time. I'm just sick of this world and these people and this town. I need to move on. Thank god we move out in 6 months. I don't know if I can even wait that long.

Sometimes I wonder if things are going to get so bad that we're both going to decide that we're better off killing our selves off since this world will never accept us.. God there's got to be something better than this life..

I'm just so tired, yet i've slept for so long.
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Monday, February 21, 2011

maybe love requires walking through the fire
I'm sick. I hate having a fucking cold. I'd rather have anything else. I'm just wating to take some nyquil in a half an hour and then pass out.

We had a snow day. Thankfully. I slept the whole day anyways. I've had a mind splitting headache all day and It just started to go away but now I think it's back. Ughh. I just want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep again but i've slept almost all day and I just drank a cup of coffee. Why? I dunno.

But like beside that things are good. Despite my bitchy ranting on here. I just need somewhere you know? I can't say anything anywhere else because then my "family" starts to worry, and I don't need that. I don't need people to care about what I'm thinking.

I read something on facebook today that said you're supposed to wait 6 months after you get engaged to get married. I've been engaged for a year and 2 months. I haven't told anyone that before. I guess I'm afraid of the responses. But I've always known I'd marry her. As cliche as it sounds, but from the moment I met her. She is everything I want and love, and i've fought so long and hard for her that the rest of my life with her? Well... I guess that's my reward. I hate to say I deserve a reward. As long as I can keep her happy, then I'm happy.

I can't wait til' college when we can actually be open about our relationship. When we can finally live together. Things will be better then. He can't interven anymore because she'll finally be all mine.

Life works out in the end. It has to right?
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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Damn regret, I was starting to forget.
I miss some things about you. There aren't many that I can really think of but there are some. The way you'd make me laugh, and the little jokes you'd make. I miss when you were drunk and you'd tell me you loved me, and hugged me. I hated that you were drunk but I loved that you were finally truthful with me. I miss that time you let me drive when i was way too young. God. I'd probably know a lot more by now if you hadn't died. If you'd have been here for my 16, 17, and 18th birthdays. You could have taught me how to drive. You would have let me.. You would have taught me how to draw more. Maybe you'd have shared with me all the things I only found out about you after you died. Why wouldn't you tell me? God I miss you sometimes. I want to have a father. I didn't want you to die, God, really I didn't. I just wanted you to get better. As much as I and people say you are better now.. that's not how things are supposed to go. When life turns to shit and it seems like there's no other way.. you can't just leave..
You promised her. Forever and always. How could you hurt your wife like that? How could you hurt your kids.. Do you know how hard it is for me to talk about you or realize that you're really dead? Do you know how much you haunt me? I can't watch or read anything without it talking about suicide or someone hanging.. Hollywood version is nothing compared to the real thing.. God dammnit. Why did you have to do that? Couldn't you have done it somewhere else? Somewhere where we wouldn't have had to found you? When I close my eyes? That's all I see. Your lifeless body swinging.. God Dad, why did you leave me?

Sometimes I catch my self thinking that someday I'll wake up and you'll be back again. Honestly though, I couldn't give up what I have know to get you back. I'm selfish yes I am. But I'm just like you in that way and so many more.

He's like a real dad to me. I've never felt this way about a guy before, like I want him in my life to be a part of my family. The God father of my kids for sure. There is no one else for that. I don't know. Where is my mind lately.

I'm getting my tattoo on Saturday.
I'm going to my college tomorrow.

I'm so sick of high school.

Don't mind me. I just need somewhere to write all this shit that piles up in my useless brain.

-jenny
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