Monday, January 31, 2011

Every night of my life I watched angels fall from the sky
I don't think he realizes. I don't think he knows my dads dead. That I know all to well what he's talking about. The selfishness, the pain, the stupid feelings of guilt. Why are you on my mind today? Why did she ask me if I miss you and why did I say yes when really I don't? No, maybe I do. Maybe I just lost you so long ago that I don't even know how to miss you anymore. I don't remember what it was like to have a father, what it was like to feel controlled. But all the fights and all the screaming are real.. they come to me when I'm at my worst like a reminder to me that I'm your daughter. that I have your genes in me. Reminding me that I'm the way I am because of you. I hate it. I hate you. Hurried child. Yes I was. I don't remember a time when I didn't worry. A night I didn't wake up without a worry about if I still had two parents are not. The one night that I lost you was the night I slept through? God what a fuck up I am. Maybe you're right, I am just like you. Why do I care though, that's what you wanted. To die, and leave us behind with that pain. Did you really do it for the money? Because I think your wife would have rather had you then the money. Who cares if we would have lived on the streets or if I would have been the one to take my life first. You took my plan. It was me that was the tragic one. You stole my ending. I haven't quite decided yet if I'm glad or not. All I know is your gone and you're never coming back and it's days like these when I wonder if you're even real or if you and this family, and this past is just a figment of my imagination and the only thing thats real is here and now. My life here. My meaning. Although I say over and over again that I don't belong here I do. This town is so fucked up but god damn i live for it. I never thought I'd make friends or learn, or make it through high school. God. Where did this come from? and you. My savior. Where did you come from and how did we deserve all the past shit in our lives? How do I deserve you? you're so much better then I am. I am my father. Unworthy of love and care because I hurt everyone around me by being who and what I am.. Please have faith in me though.. please have faith that I can change even if I know I cant. I need to know that someone believes in me.

Did i know you were behind that door? I don't even remember. Why do you keep showing up in my life.. Why do I hate you so much? You made me this way, you made all these memories and this anger thats built up so deep inside of me that festers and burns and comes out when I'm more like you then I know. How can my mother even look at me?

there's one difference. I know what love is. It's not dying and leaving the other person behind. It's suffering through this shit, this insanity. this hatred.

I live in this world, even though it's killing me.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, November 14, 2010

   Time dies.
I guess I should feel bad that Myotaku is dead, and that there's no one left.. But honestly I don't even know the person who used to post here. I'm not that person anymore and I like it that way. Don't get me wrong I still miss the way somethings used to be, mostly the feelings but I'm alive now. I don't know. I always come back though every once in a while to check up on the people who do post here, to see who's still here. To see if anyone came back, but I'm never going to fully come back I don't think. It's to hard, it's not me. It reminds me of things I'd rather not think about.

I got accepted to the college that I wanted to go too. Jordan and I both did. Will room together until we have enough money to rent an apartment or something. I never thought my life would turn out this way.. I never thought it'd turn out the way I wanted it too. It's crazy. and to think I was so close to giving up, to killing my self off. She saved me.

I've wasted so much of my life trying to please other people, and now I'm finally doing something that has benefited me and I'm happy with that.. for 17 years I never thought I was worth it. I didn't think I was meant to be happy.

I'm done with all the lying.
I'm done with all the pain.

I realize I've lost a lot of people along the way but I guess I'm fine with that. I have all that I need.

and I guess I'm done ranting.

farewell myotaku. It was fun while it lasted and I made a lot of friendships.. a majority of which didn't last but what can you expect from the internet?

Till next time, if there is one.

-Jenny
Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Off we go.
Last day of school this week. :D and we have a party in spanish today, and an assembly at the end of the day so I miss my Forensic Science class.

And we're going to the dells on Saturday :D I'm excited. The only thing that sucks is my Grammas coming. :/ But we have a family suite so Jordan and I don't have to sleep in the same room with her, thank /god./

Sent in an application for UWRC. Probably will get my acceptence/not accepted letter in the mail today or tomorrow. Jordan got in already :D

That's it!

By the way I love the song Porn Star Dancing X3
Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, October 25, 2010

Dear MyOtaku.
I really miss the old you.
feel free to come back someday.

love, jenny
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, October 24, 2010

3 years.
Is it better there then it is here?

I can't wait to go on vacation next weekend. ugh.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, September 26, 2010

9 months :)

Sometimes I feel like Tyler Durden.
I run on my drive to prove people wrong.
it's a lovely way to live.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Theres a part of me.
a big part of me.
that doesn't believe a thing anyone tells me.



but you.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, August 26, 2010

You are the only exception.
Karma?
I can't help but feel that this is what this is.

8 months :)

~Jenny
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I just want for all of this to end.
Remember when i actually used to be a good person?
Now i'm just this fucked up bitter bitch.

I hate a majority of people.
I hate this town.
I hate my self.
I hate the fact that I'm going to be 18 in two fucking days and I still act like a child.
and i know, fucking change it right?
I would if I could.
But it seems i'm doomed to be a babbling bitch for GOD knows how long.

When I get like this its hard to see any good inside of me, and when I realize that I figure whats the point? Why am I even alive if I do no good?

Oh well.

~Jenny
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands.
Maybe when MyO died, I died along side it.

I know I'm alive. but I know I'm definitely not the person I was 2-3 years ago.

And that person I was? I don't feel like that was ever me. I don't feel like my past is real.

Maybe I don't have one. Maybe that wasn't who I was.

Maybe it was all a dream.
Comments (0) | Permalink