Sunday, November 25, 2007

Im not home yet in fact im in a hotel in milwaukee. I've been sick practically all the time since we've been down here. i've went threw so many emotional break downs that I dont even know if im in my own head anymore. I dont like hotels. Probably because hotels where our run away when my mom didnt want to be with my dad anymore and now i just feel weird like.. I've been here before.. Just with my dad, but my dads gone now and i need to learn to accept that. Im to dependant on other people, like my aunt and donny. My aunts right im never going to get anywhere in life if i act like this all the time. I just.. I dont know i feel like im not in my own head and at times i just want to rip my self apart so i can find my self again. I keep asking God to fix me but.. he cant fix me. Nothings quick and me being fixed.. thats going to take a long time.

we're going back today. I think I may end up having to ride back with my grandma. When ever im with her we never can find anything to talk about. Its awkward and besides that I dont think she likes me talking to Donny all the time. No matter what I do its always the wrong thing and all ive ever want to do is something right for a change but theres no way in hell that'll ever happen for me.

Donny gave me an electric guitar tuner and a new amp since mine broke. He told me music was a big part of his life and that i should try my hardest to make it a big part of mine too. Which I will. It seems he's the only one that motivates me.

It seems all i've been doing latley is complain but i think right now im only typing because i like to hear the sound of the keyboard. It calms me and yet I dont know if i'll ever be calm. My aunts getting me a counsler. In other words she thinks im crazy and she thinks some stranger can help me. but i dont think she understands that i may be beyond help.

Well I better go now I should be back in Cashton around 5 today. For some reason I want to leave so bad but then again leaving makes me feel like im losing my dad all over again. No matter what... I lose in this situation and that's okay because i was never big on winning anyways.

Hope you guys are all doing okay, I miss you all.

¢¾Jenny
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