Tuesday, April 29, 2008

'Round here...

im stuck in this hick town with a population ten times smaller then the city i grew up in. the only reason im still here is because of richard. i realized that i have made him my everything, thus if i where to lose him my life would be over, yet i'd still be breathing therefor i'd be exsisting. just not living. It's not an he just became my everything situation i made him that, not taking in consideration the fact if i where to love him or not. Don't get me wrong i do love him. I just.. I don't know I'm confused when it comes to my orientation. but it won't matter will it? if im carrying his baby... if im going to give birth to another life that is him and i. a life that we created threw lust that wants to be called love. How can i tell my mom... Who just lost the one she loved with all her heart that im giong to give her another life threw something i never thought would happen.

My head is pounding. Million thoughts running threw my never resting brain. I know my writing is lacking latley. I know im not doing anything right anymore. I know i dont have the answers anymore. But, god damnit. It's not my fault. . . If i could go back to last summer if i could go back to who i was i would. I dont like what i am really. I dont like wondering. I dont like feeling sick all the time. how do my hours go so slow yet my days fly past so quickly? I'm so sick of it..

i want more then anything.. to wake up someday and have everything be okay. I dont want to have to fake this anymore. The only happiness i feel is when im with him but when he's gone so is it. I don't feel normal anymore.. but then again i have to ask my self the question what the hell is normal anymore?

everyone i know. everyone i've ever met. they've all changed. this. this has changed. I've changed.. most of all i've changed. I don't know who i am anymore. and if you have any clue who i am. . . feel free to give me a hint.

"Im under the gun around here... and i cant see nothing, nothing... 'round here..."
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