Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I'm so sick of making lists of things i'll never finish
ugh. I have a headache. hangover? doubt it.

I hate tuesdays. now and forever, because tuesday was shitty. but i suppose i should talk about monday first huh?

Monday i went driving with my driving instructer and one of my other friends. not to be harsh because i know it was only her second time driving but i swear i thought we where going to die. for a minute i thought she was going to drive us into the mississippi river. -_- I did okay though. He told me i park good and that i take my turns well which made me sort of happy considering i was scared to death and it was the first time i'd drove in a long time.

I haven't been eating right at all. I don't mind but i think it's making me sick. Sunday i didn't eat until 8 oclook that night and i barley ate. [cept for the mashed potato's i piled in. XD cassie.] and then monday i was at school from 10-4 and i just didn't feel like eating at all mostly because i was terrified and a little sick. Yesterday I found a couple things out that made me want to throw up my insides, really. I just don't feel like going on anymore.

It fucking scares me how im so emotionally commited to [her] and how i don't hardly mean shit to her.. Which is okay because i mean that's the way it's always been right? fuck. but she'll be gone soon so i'll have to move the fuck on. but the thing is i CAN'T. and that scares me because im good at moving on.



Yesterday seemed to be emotional break down day for my mom and sister. They where both crying over my dad and i felt bad because i couldn't cry about it. I've never cried about it in front of them. I guess because i feel like i have to be the strong one. but its really not that. I really have no emotions when it comes to that situation for some reason. I don't miss my old house, i don't miss my old neighborhood. The only thing i really do miss there is nikky and she means more to me then some stupid house does. They say that our "memories" are in that house. Fuck memories. It's not like we had any good ones. I don't know why they'd want to remember them. I don't really understand memories it hurts like hell to think about the past when you can't do anything to get the past back or change the past. There's no fucking sense in even wasting my time thinking about the past. What's done is done. I've learned that i will never ever be able to change the past. and as far as changing the present goes? What's the use. I don't know what i'm doing anymore. Just going with the flow and waiting for the times i get to sleep. but even my fucking dreams are haunting me.

ugh. -_- I just want SOMETHING to go right for once. maybe then it'll shut up my stupid ass bitching.

but for now i have to go to drivers ed. -_-

-jenny
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