Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Are you happy now?
I hope i am.
I think that there was a reason that file door was stuck shut.
Im a fucking idiot for opening it.
I guess i like to self inflict pain on myself.

We have a filedrawer. that the upper drawer. It is/was stuck shut. I opened it tonight. Stupid move on my part. It was like unleashing the ghosts of my past. I was looking for a picture of my dad. because i dont have any. And oh, believe me i found what i was looking for. and more. no one ever told me my dad went too new york, chicago, colorado, alaska, italy, france, germany.

NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ANYTHING.

I had a father that i knew nothing about. I know. I'm acting selfish. but i knew him for fifteen fucking years and what did i know about him? I know nothing but the fact that he was a telemarketer his whole life. Not till he died did i realize he was in the navy for a good majority of his life.

Letters.. Letters to my mom. That betray a man i never knew. A man that isnt the father i knew. he PROMISED. he promised to love her FOREVER. he promised.. what does forever even mean anymore..

these pictures.. they make my childhood look amazing. but i dont remember it. I dont remember any of it. What happaned?

so now. all i have is 9 undeveloped roles of film. a handful of photo's i'd never seen before. and my memories to once again haunt my dreams. I wish i didn't know how cruel life really is.

now all i have is the hope of waiting for a text this morning. you're my lifeline.

and im walking too close to the edge.

-jenny
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