Sunday, August 23, 2009

don't read.
My summer went way to fast. i don't even want to think about school. i don't. i don't. i don't. it's not that i hate it, it's just that i don't want to go. and it's not that i'm lazy because i'm bored out of my mind most of the time. but I would be so fine with going back to online schooling. at least then i wouldn't have to deal with PEOPLE.

i am not a social person. not one bit. i haven't seen any of my friends in town for over a month. And i'm losing them. Which i mean is fine, whatever. I don't really need any one of them. it's less trouble for me if i don't have friends at school. It makes it all better then worse. but i'm the kind of fucked up person that will go back on these words sooner or later because i want nothing more then to have someone care about me but i'm getting so sick of caring that it's becoming impossible for me to even be positive.

i'm an angry person. I just don't know what to do with my self anymore. I can't will my self to do anything but what i have to do to get by normally. to every one else. I think i'm trying to grab on to the past because everything else is just slipping away. I'm slipping away and I don't know if I know how or care enough to do anything about it. I don't know, maybe it'll get better or maybe it'll just stay this way and I'll have to live with it.

What right did you have to tell me you loved me? I don't matter, that's the part you don't understand, i get it. I get all of it. Every fucking thing you've ever said to me has been some kind of fucked up dramatic story that I can barely believe. I don't know why I ever cared, why I ever bothered or why I gave up so many things for you because in the end no matter how much I think I've hurt you, I know you've hurt me more because I know I don't matter. I know you don't care. I know you never loved me. So stop saying it. Stop lying to me. I'm sick of it.

Yeah, I lie a lot. But I can handle it, I can keep up with it. I'm good at it and that's all that I've got going for my self. But don't tell me that what I say isn't true. Because I do know the truth, I know what I see and nothing you say can change that. Because it's right. fucking. there.

I refuse to take part in anything this year. I'm not going to change who I am to fit in with my friends. I'm not going to like something just because they want me to. Thats you, not me. I'm so fucking sick of having to pretend like I'm someone I'm not just because I'm afraid of losing you. Well you know what I don't really care if I lose you anymore. I mean I already did that didn't I? somehow I fucked up, somehow you won't forgive me. And somehow I just don't give a fuck.

I think what bothers me the most is the fact that I believed in you. I believed you. For once in my life I believed something someone said to me. You may not have loved me but I believed that you cared. You thought about me without me having to think about you and that meant something to me. The little things you said to me meant the world to me, and I was only surviving because of that. I threw everyone else away and that was okay. But now you're gone and I don't know if it'll ever be that way again but I guess that's what I get for taking you for granted. Holding on to something that could slip away so quickly. Something that did slip away so quickly. But I'm fine, believe me. I'm fine.

and i know i'm negative, i know i need to knock it off, i know i need to stop bitching and complaining and live with what i have. But I have been living with it. And you know I've shut up for a long time now. So get over it.

Hah. This song makes so much more sense now.
I don't know who I'm more pissed off at.
one of you.
or my self.

Either way.
Fuck it.


Comments (2)