Monday, January 31, 2011

Every night of my life I watched angels fall from the sky
I don't think he realizes. I don't think he knows my dads dead. That I know all to well what he's talking about. The selfishness, the pain, the stupid feelings of guilt. Why are you on my mind today? Why did she ask me if I miss you and why did I say yes when really I don't? No, maybe I do. Maybe I just lost you so long ago that I don't even know how to miss you anymore. I don't remember what it was like to have a father, what it was like to feel controlled. But all the fights and all the screaming are real.. they come to me when I'm at my worst like a reminder to me that I'm your daughter. that I have your genes in me. Reminding me that I'm the way I am because of you. I hate it. I hate you. Hurried child. Yes I was. I don't remember a time when I didn't worry. A night I didn't wake up without a worry about if I still had two parents are not. The one night that I lost you was the night I slept through? God what a fuck up I am. Maybe you're right, I am just like you. Why do I care though, that's what you wanted. To die, and leave us behind with that pain. Did you really do it for the money? Because I think your wife would have rather had you then the money. Who cares if we would have lived on the streets or if I would have been the one to take my life first. You took my plan. It was me that was the tragic one. You stole my ending. I haven't quite decided yet if I'm glad or not. All I know is your gone and you're never coming back and it's days like these when I wonder if you're even real or if you and this family, and this past is just a figment of my imagination and the only thing thats real is here and now. My life here. My meaning. Although I say over and over again that I don't belong here I do. This town is so fucked up but god damn i live for it. I never thought I'd make friends or learn, or make it through high school. God. Where did this come from? and you. My savior. Where did you come from and how did we deserve all the past shit in our lives? How do I deserve you? you're so much better then I am. I am my father. Unworthy of love and care because I hurt everyone around me by being who and what I am.. Please have faith in me though.. please have faith that I can change even if I know I cant. I need to know that someone believes in me.

Did i know you were behind that door? I don't even remember. Why do you keep showing up in my life.. Why do I hate you so much? You made me this way, you made all these memories and this anger thats built up so deep inside of me that festers and burns and comes out when I'm more like you then I know. How can my mother even look at me?

there's one difference. I know what love is. It's not dying and leaving the other person behind. It's suffering through this shit, this insanity. this hatred.

I live in this world, even though it's killing me.
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