Thursday, February 10, 2011

Damn regret, I was starting to forget.
I miss some things about you. There aren't many that I can really think of but there are some. The way you'd make me laugh, and the little jokes you'd make. I miss when you were drunk and you'd tell me you loved me, and hugged me. I hated that you were drunk but I loved that you were finally truthful with me. I miss that time you let me drive when i was way too young. God. I'd probably know a lot more by now if you hadn't died. If you'd have been here for my 16, 17, and 18th birthdays. You could have taught me how to drive. You would have let me.. You would have taught me how to draw more. Maybe you'd have shared with me all the things I only found out about you after you died. Why wouldn't you tell me? God I miss you sometimes. I want to have a father. I didn't want you to die, God, really I didn't. I just wanted you to get better. As much as I and people say you are better now.. that's not how things are supposed to go. When life turns to shit and it seems like there's no other way.. you can't just leave..
You promised her. Forever and always. How could you hurt your wife like that? How could you hurt your kids.. Do you know how hard it is for me to talk about you or realize that you're really dead? Do you know how much you haunt me? I can't watch or read anything without it talking about suicide or someone hanging.. Hollywood version is nothing compared to the real thing.. God dammnit. Why did you have to do that? Couldn't you have done it somewhere else? Somewhere where we wouldn't have had to found you? When I close my eyes? That's all I see. Your lifeless body swinging.. God Dad, why did you leave me?

Sometimes I catch my self thinking that someday I'll wake up and you'll be back again. Honestly though, I couldn't give up what I have know to get you back. I'm selfish yes I am. But I'm just like you in that way and so many more.

He's like a real dad to me. I've never felt this way about a guy before, like I want him in my life to be a part of my family. The God father of my kids for sure. There is no one else for that. I don't know. Where is my mind lately.

I'm getting my tattoo on Saturday.
I'm going to my college tomorrow.

I'm so sick of high school.

Don't mind me. I just need somewhere to write all this shit that piles up in my useless brain.

-jenny
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