Some things change over time and some stay the same. I'm still the attention deprived child that I was four years ago and I'm still at a loss for what I'm doing with my life. Not much has changed there. What has changed blows the non-changed things out of the water though. I can't write anymore, I can barely write this out without smashing my head against the concrete wall besides me. I believe I've lost, oh what's it called, my inspiration? A muse, yeah I guess a lost a muse. The sad thing is my muse used to be my sadness. My depression used to fuel my writers fire and now that I'm 'normal' as some would say I have little to write about but that doesn't stop my brain from overflowing with what if's and what could have been. No, I am still stuck in that place between what would have happened had the things in my past never happened. If death hadn't knocked on my door, and my families. If I hadn't lost the person who I swore I couldn't live my life without. If I hadn't made friends with new people, if I hadn't lost those friends. Summers with a best friend that I lost through my own doing. Sometimes I sit and wonder why I push people away, why I break or destroy all of the good things in my life and then I realize that its always because I don't think that I deserve them in my life. Yes Jenny is the same girl who feels like she isn't worth much. I doubt quite often that that will ever change in my life. Hell, i'm almost 20. If these feelings have been here for over 5 years will they ever leave?
I'm still just as lost.
and I blame you.
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