Sometimes I sit in class and I just wish that time would go by faster and then my astronomy professor says something about another galaxy colliding with the milky way galaxy that won't happen for a billion years and we'll all be dead by then and I start to hyperventilate a little bit because I will die someday. I will be old someday. All of this will be behind me someday. This life is not forever, and compared to a billion years my life barely makes a dent. It's funny how I never used to be afraid of dying but now my time means so much more to me.
Do you ever feel defined by your medical history? Your medical biography as I like to call it. (yes, you inspired me to think, Belinda.) Everyday I feel like I am defined by my syndrome. That everyone looks at me and can see it. I hate that it's something that is visible to people. I want nothing more for it to just go away. I wish It was something that I could get rid of easily but try as I might I obviously don't try hard enough and thus I am stuck with hating my self everyday and wondering why I even have friends because I am such a freak. A medical freak. No one understands that I'd do almost anything to change this. I'd do anything to feel medically normal. To not have to look in the mirror everyday and see this syndrome. No, it isn't all I am but I feel like it makes me define my self. It cuts my self esteem down to almost nothing. I have little faith in my self, and I often want to tear my face up every time I look in the mirror. In short I have a very deep hatred for my self, for letting this syndrome spiral out of control and for not trying harder to fix it; to be the normal, beautiful person. I want to feel like I'm pretty someday, that I'm worth it. Right now, I'm nothing. Nothing.
I am at the point in my life where I have no desire to better things anymore. This is how life will be for a long time now. In civil terms I suppose you could say that I'm settling down. Yeah, I guess that's what you'd call this.
Life is not good here, hopefully we will get to move into an apartment soon. I'm sick of this dorm hall. If we don't move soon I'm going to end up killing everyone here.
The awkward moment when a guy is comfortable hanging out with you and being friends because he thinks your a straight up lesbian but you kind of have a stupid crush on him.
Yeah, this is how exciting life gets for me.
-Jenny
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