Thursday, October 25, 2012

Sometimes I wake up and it takes me awhile to realize that I need to keep breathing, that I have to live and that the pain that I go through is worth it because of the future. But some days, like today I wake up and I wonder why I bother at all because my future isn't clear and doesn't seem like it will amount to anything at all. All my life I've felt like a failure and I've hated the skin that I'm in and I've just wanted out. I'm a ticking time bomb and I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this life.

Sometimes it feels like I have two personality's and one of them that hides from everyone else has my neck tied and is ready to hang me at any minute. This wouldn't surprise me since that cliche seems to be oh so reoccurring in my lifetime. Days like today though I don't feel like fighting, I don't feel like hiding that i'm not okay. Hiding that I've been a total fucking mess for 5 plus years. I've hated my self for even longer than that, I don't really know if I remember a time when I didn't hate my self.

I've always felt like I wasn't meant to be. Like my life will never amount to much of anything and that I never will truly be happy with my self. The only way I'll ever feel comfortable with my self is if I can be somebody else. If I don't have to be me, if i don't have to feel this way.. But like so many things that I want, that isn't going to happen either, so I'm stuck.

I've always been stuck. I need help, but I will not seek it. I need to runaway, but I will remain where I am at my worst. I need to make decisions, but I will remain ignorant and clueless. I will live, even though I and those around me are better off without me. At least as much so until the voice inside of my head finally gets it's way.

I am an empty shell of someone who could have been but now I am nothing, and my hatred for my self and my being runs through my veins stronger than any emotion that I have ever felt.

All I'm left to do is sit here and wonder when enough is enough, and why do I go on?

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