Thursday, October 9, 2014

buzz.
Sometimes you think you're in-between being okay and wondering if you can make it through another day because everything starts normal, and everything is set aside but meanwhile in the back of everything you know that things aren't okay, and no matter how many people or times you try to reassure your self or anyone else that things will be ok and that things can't stay this way forever you know that there is only one solution to this problem and I don't think it's coming anytime soon. Not unless its genetic, through family ties. It's like osmosis, if you feel enough depression in your family roots it sinks in like a parasite and it just won't let you go until you either remove the bug or you let it infect you. I'm not young anymore but I know that I'm too young to be feeling this way. To feel like things are spiraling around me into only one inevitable demise and I can't stand the thought. I keep telling myself that I can deal with it- that I can make this work. I can make changes. I'm just terrified of every weekend because I know thats when things are on edge. When everyones on edge. I need another job. I need more income. I need a different life. One that doesn't keep me so anxious. I just want to go back to when things were normal. Or at least back to the point where I didn't know what it was like to be well off. Because now I just know that i've been spoiled; I've been ruined. Everything I do from this point out is now a reflection of the person that I am and the person that I don't really feel like being but I have no choice. This is the bed I have made and the one that I have no other choice but to lie in because as much as escaping seems like a dream I know that that is all that it ever will be. There is no way out of this tunnel. This is a dead end story and I don't know if I want to see it through to the end.
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