Tuesday, July 19, 2005

   a life to loathe...

Cursor from www.kaiyosei.net... Hello once again to all ...I am no longer residing within the horrific land I once called home...Now I am in Los Angeles...Finally a place that has more life...a heartbeat that is not faint but pulsing and racing with activity...My love stands by my side...still on some nights I am unsure of this love...I doubt much more than I should...Shadows always hang about my eyes and my mind...if I could only release my self and just drown in the love rather than holding onto the sides allowing me a quick escape if heart ache comes about...My writing has withered...I hardly can write a line anymore...I feel as if all is fading and I am entering the mind numbing realm of reality which I so despise and loathe...even now all I say sounds so bland and like all other modes of speaking...For now I must be on my way...I must go and search for a job...time to sink into this hateful life...

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

   In love...and I'm here to stay...

Innocent Demon 8 [11:20 PM]: And I'm sure our next meeting shall be very memorable synphonyofsorrow [11:21 PM]: yes, I'm sure it will have some kind of odd thing happen and also something beautiful as well Innocent Demon 8 [11:22 PM]: I truly hope that is so synphonyofsorrow [11:23 PM]: I don't have to hope. I know it will be so Innocent Demon 8 [11:23 PM]: How can you be so certain? synphonyofsorrow [11:24 PM]: because every moment I have spent with you has been memorible and beautiful. Innocent Demon 8 [11:25 PM]: *blushes*...yes, that is so true...they have all been unforgettable synphonyofsorrow [11:27 PM]: *smiles* you know, I'd tell you something, but I don't think I can... Innocent Demon 8 [11:28 PM]: Why can't you?... Innocent Demon 8 [11:29 PM]: Please do...I always love to hear what you have to say. synphonyofsorrow [11:29 PM]: well I have trouble wording something like this synphonyofsorrow [11:29 PM]: but I'll give it a show synphonyofsorrow [11:29 PM]: shot* synphonyofsorrow [11:30 PM]: I do believe that over this past weeks and what not, that you have done something that I never thought possible. I am falling in love with you He has said it...He said he is IN love with me...I am so speechless...who knew this dream could be a reality?...he is my soulmate...my match...my prince has arrived and shall never leave my side...I cannot speak...I just want to scream so loud that I love Mark...and no love could ever be as enchanted and sacred as ours...

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Saturday, May 14, 2005

   the stars sing upon this sacred love...

Greetings lovelies... Ah...*sigh of joy*...pure bliss upon this night..I had the pleasure of being honored at a banquet for a scholarship I received...It was a very swanky affair...so like a young child I played dress up and made my way to the royal ball...so many friendly faces and warm embraces...I love occasions such as that...and the return trip was simply fascinating...Driving under the graceful stars, blasting Skeaker Pimps through the car speakers and letiing the wind caress my face and billow my hair...it rekindled memories of years now gone...a car full of friends driving deep out in the countryside...we pull to the side and blare the music...exiting the car and dancing under the moonlight becoming the Lunar Children...running through cornfields feeling the night music racing through our veins...knowing within time our parents would grow concerned and angered with each passing moment...their temper rising and thoughts of punishment would soon herald over us...but the night was ours...so now the drive is complete and I sit beside my computer staring out into the heavens...happily awaiting the stroll my lovely and I shall share together...distanced relationships are always a pain...but the pressure of being apart only makes the moments together all the more valuable and deeply cherished...and I have a classy young gentleman by my side now...apparently he is moving in with me in late august...a live-in boyfriend...well that should bring about many new adventures and late-night rendevous...*wink-wink*...hmm...well I must be on my way yet again...time to write some songs and converse with my lovely...Tomorrow holds much excitement...why?...I shall reveal within my next entry...Farewell my beloveds. ~The Innocent Demon~

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

  
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Sunday, April 24, 2005

   I have returned from my hiatus...
Can it be that I have been away this long...?...*sigh*...my life is being consumed by so much...I have no time to think or write of anything....Recently my grandmother has been placed into the hospital...I am unsure of what to think but I fear a battle is soon to unfold amongst my family...You see, my grandmother is fixing up her house and preparing to sell it so she can put me through college and also to use for traveling and things of that sort...but it is remaining very hush-hush for if the others in this family were to find out, they would object immediately...my family believes I should remain confined in this shitty little town...and have no future...I am aware my family has no faith in me but this is boggling that they should wish this upon me when they know my one desire is to leave this town and experience a real life....but it is difficult to handle all of the business affairs with my grandmother lieing in the hospital...

in other events, shayne and I have been over and complete for quite some time...I had a small rendevous with some fool a month or so ago...it didn't amount to much but did cause some untimely drama within the walls of my life

this weekend however provided me with some happiness...there was a huge concert occuring within a nearby town and my cousin's boyfriend's band was playing...so I was lucky enough to get a free backstage ticket and was able to hang around and enjoy the company and the music...the event did not have as a big a turnout as we all thought it would but none the less, I wouldn't trade in the memories for anything...

In addition to this, the current male in whom I dote upon drove all the way down to spend a few hours with me...I spoke with awhile back and have grown quite fond of him...He is a very shy and timid creature and upon our meeting he was quite demure and not talkative...luckily we warmed up to one another and our heart's were set at ease...where this shall all head I am unsure...he is divine, though...He has semi-long hair that contains soft and gentle curls...and he has eyes that alternate between hues of green and honey...he is a philosopher and musician and a writer...well enough of speaking upon him...

I believe I shall create a new layout for this site...Farewell...
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Saturday, February 19, 2005

   randomness
The glitter falls past her face...the stars are annihilated and sent off into oblivion...here she stands...a lonely forsaken fool...here she stands...empty sockets...no eyes...just red ink flowing from within...her wings reaching for the flakes of dust that prance within the air...begging to earn the image of aged...to emphasize her brokeness...her disability within sight and mind and faith...Her soul's reflection fades fast...she is losing touch of reality...slipping into the realm of the insane...the illumination of death shines high within the sky shedding light upon the filfth...the microscopic organisms crawling into her sanctuary with each inhalation...she lies upon the mattress stained and soiled of past rendevous and frightful nights...the flickers close tight sealing her within this casket...but she remains still...unmoving ...uncaring...frozen tears dribble from the sockets like shards of glass...sliding down and caressing her flesh...the skin opening and welcoming this familiar pain...hands have embraced this body...run along it spreading sin across every dieing inch...and still she lies upon this throne of condemnation...her arms reached for love...but love spit upon her and rolled the dice...the words glwo upon the wall and the voices call her name...drawing her into the veil...pulling her deper in...taking the innocence...breaking what is already broken...The lids come forward and cover it all...hiding the world of destruction and burying the despair...the pearls come dancing peeking out between her lips...lids fall back and all is led into the hills of deception...sparkles all around...dazzle them...make them weep...charm the foolish...wow the dozens...kick the ashes beneath the rug and rise my child...be revived...and enter into this sea of plastic smiles and false truths...become another seeking the acceptance and discarding reality...running from what haunts you...what sits upon your left shoulder nibbling upon your ear...escape is always fleeing you...leaving you to your troubles and sorrows...but the wand is waved and you are renewed...turned into another delrious bafoon
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Thursday, February 10, 2005

   *gasp*
*sigh*...I have no time any longer to keep up with all of this...I shall try when I can but I shall not be offended if I receive little comments...I understand...but I shall continue to write out my life here...

I am attempting to close in these holes in the heart of Shayne and I...I am hoping dearly that this shall work out...It appears as if it might...we shall soon see...

hmm...I have been requested to be in a coven...a Wiccaan coven...and I am considering...despite my spell of christianity...cancel the punn..I am going to jump around and see...

strangely I have been asked to be a model...upon myspace someone from my high school found me...he is a very popular photographer...now located in L.A...he attended school with my cousin...He viewed my pictures and asked if i would consider being a goth model for some pics...well I am flattered...deeply so...to be considered beautiful...wow...I am still speechless...but I must leave for now...I must turn in for some rest...and my mind is faltering...Farewell my lovlies...

~The Innocent Demon~

Also instead of the Featured Ville pic...I shall do this pic instead...I just found it very heartwarming...



My baby cousin and I
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Friday, February 4, 2005

   Greetings again my beloveds...yet again I have been roaming elsewhere...I am sorry for that...my life is rather bland currently...Tonight I am to be in the company of my dear friends so we can all view movies...I love them very much so...I am trying this step back into the church...It appears to be going well...Yet I still can feel the presence of a darkly shadowed veil resting upon my mind...whether this transformation is possible or not I still remain unsure of...No matter how much one immerses me into the light I shall always remain enclosed within the night...time shall soon reveal all...The Innocent Demon is climbing the fractured ladder in hopes of having her wings replaced but if this gift is not given then I shall tumble back into the immorality and lusting temptations...

And here is a new song I wrote during Worship...religious or not you can still see my style is still very much there...

"Untitled" Jan. 30, 2004

While searchin through
My desolated soul
I gazed into the eyes
Of my eternal tormentor
The memories swam to me
Coiling tightly about my neck
My hands gashing through
This despairing rope
Broken body
On my knees

Mercy, Mercy upon me
I scream to the cloudy skies
Seeking salvation
Yearning immortal peace
Melt my frozen chains
Break my hardened heart
Let the lava of your love
Scorch its trail through my life
Take me back to the Son
I revolve around

Struck down and lieing still
Praying for release
Temptations draw close
And whisper lust into my ears
Desire and wants stretch
Reaching for my grasp
My hands collide together
Coming to a fold
Time to leave
Time to break

Mercy, Mercy upon me
I scream to the cloudy skies
Seeking salvation
Yearning immortal peace
Melt my frozen chains
Break my hardened heart
Let the lava of your love
Scorch its trail through my life
Take me back to the Son
I revolve around

The fog is departing
As is my pain
Shackled no more
Freedom in Him
Released to His arms
Darkness nomore
Forever sunshine
Forever his presence
(C)2005 Amber Sadoy

And for the next few entries I shall be placing up some problems that Only Christian Goths face...

"being called a satanist, even though you wear a gigantic cross."

My non Christian friends keep turning my cross upside down."

"Will my friends think I'm too 'preachy' if I wear my ICTHUS fishnets?"

"I"Would I do this if Eric Clayton was in the room with me?"

problems in church :

- having parents move their little children a few rows further away when you seat yourself.
- when the pastor talks about heathens in his sermon and everyone turns to look at you.
- a new church member attempting to 'convert' you.
- when you are praising God in quiet, reverent worship, your bangles / rings / necklaces etc are loudly jangling .
- getting your tights / stockings hooked on the seat / pew in full view of everybody.
- you ran out of waterproof eyeliner, and after a little bit of a drizz during praise and worship your eyes make you look like frankenstein (or the bride of) [hmm..or robert smith on a bad makeup day!]
- getting up / down the steps (if any) of the church in your heels / huuuge boots (woe betide you if your church has a wooden floor... "clop, clop, bang, thud, clop, clop, bang, thud")
- if you're female : the peopel behind you moving further to your left / right because they can't see over your dramatic hairstyle which you've piled on top of your head with Victorian ringlets.
- if you're male : forgetting to take your carl mcoy black stetson off when you seat yourself, and the ppl behind you asking you to take it off in order to see the lyrics
- going to a church gathering after church, and when you arrive they take off the don francisco cd and put on a Christian country album (it's the only thing they have with a beat) in order to make you feel more comfortable [ok, ok, that is highly unlikely to happen.. in mean, why would they try to make you feel more comfortable?? hehe, just kidding!!]
- visiting a new church, and the security guard follows you from your car to the church because you are "suspiciously dressed"

Farewell all...
*bloody kisses and black roses*
~The Innocent Demon~


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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

   single no more...!!!
It is official...Shayne and I became boyfriend and girlfriend tonight...I shall give a more in depth entry later on tonight as well as an update uponmy sister...Farewell
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

   death...why hast thou forsaken me?
Have you ever had a numbness within your entire body...?...where you cannot think straight...you cannot feel the blood flowing...you cannot feel warmth nor cold...words just float past you...never once being absorbed into your mind...the only feeling is that heavy heavy...reverberating pain in your heart...cracking your throat....causing you to choke...causing the tears to flow...they never stop...never...I am sorry...I have just been placed upon the very threshold of disaster...my one twin soul...my hero and my everything...my sister...yes my sister...she may be dieing...cancer is claiming her life...and she may not win this battle..."Be Strong for her"...don't cry...wow...yes i shall just stand here and smile...wave...smile...look pretty...all is well...*gasp*...i cannot breathe straight...I shall not hear from her until tomorrow afternoon...I hope i can find a foothold and gather some strength so i can endure such long hours...for now i must break...i must shatter and fall to pieces...for if i do not I shall harden and become frozen and heartless...i must let my walls fall and then rebuild them and pray that the defense holds up longer...i am sorry...i am away for so long not visiting and now i arrive with this in a basket...i just had to release...i want to stay...i want to speak...but i cannot...i just cannot...i have to sit here...i have to just breathe...and leave...or stare at the stars and mute the voice of my mother telling me this isn't happening...Farewell my beloveds...
~The Innocent Demon~




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