Thursday, January 6, 2005

   Everything beautiful eventually dies...
Pain...Pain is all i fear right now..his father does not approve...and so it causes them to fight...because of me...because i am Wicaan and not Christian...because i live hours away...they believe i only like him because i desire escape...that hurts...immensely...tears...cut...bleed...cut...bleed...Release...relief...tear...smile...beauty...pain...scar...badge...content...seemingly life is always revealing that all people who step into the realm of love with me will never survive...them or those around them will love only part of me...never the complete...either the love the dark and despise the light...or the love the light and despise the dark...i am stradling the line of darkness and light...but that is who i am...i fit within neither world completely...i shall always remain labled an outcast and never fully loved and accepted...*teardrop*...ooo i should just roam in this pain becuase every time i am saved from it i end up plummeting back into the darkness...






And the shadows yet again take hold of me...their chains coiling around my throat and digging into my flesh...*screams*...*teardrops*...here we go again...the darkness has come to be soverign lord temporarily...how long shall this spell last...???...who am i to make such a prediction...all i know is it shall take immense talent to pull me out of this well...yes i am the Mistress of Misery....it follows me in every turn i make in every path i follow...









Look The Innocent Demon is traveling the road of rotting corpses looking for some salvation...sifting through the broken souls hoping to find a golden heart..."Does no one have a heart...?...some hope that will not shatter me...perhaps some spiritual glue to piece me together...





Yes my star is fading and falling into invisibility...there is no longer anything for me to wish upon...my shining star has burned out...




true...everybody needs somebody...but it does not necesarrily mean they shall receive it...not all dreams come true...







I have to leave...somewhere...where shall i flee...???...i have no clue as to where i shall roam...i believe i shall go drown myself in tears...Farewell...

~The Innocent Demon~










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Tuesday, January 4, 2005

   Can you still feel the butterflies....
Greetings all of my beloved MyO friends...i got around to most of your sites today...but if some of you wrote on in the later evening i probalby missed it...just check your previous entry and there should be a comment...but anyhow...i am happy...very content with the direction my life is flowing...Things with Shayne and I are looling very bright...but more details on that later...I have however finished my poem...it is rather complex because i used some symbolism that only I and some of my close friends will no the meaning of and what they represent...and here it is...It is untitled as of present so if any of you have any good ideas for a title let me know...



"Untitled"
By Amber Sadoy
Whispering voices of love
Buried within the shadowey heart
Bleeding rose within teh dove
The adrenaline soon to start

Through the sea of souls
The two sights begin to meet
Parting and shedding the black holes
The two enveloped within a letter of heat

The downpour of frustration
The shatter of insecuritites
The decision of destruction
Broken shards releasing screaming pleas

Sacred angel won't you save me
Crucify my broken heart
Paths of a clouded discovery
Desire for this dream to never part

When reality clashes with mirage
May conjoined hearts remain untouched
No more blood to smear the collage
No valentineroses to be crushed

My aliens fade into rain
And I climb into my grave
My fears befriend the oncoming train
And this impending death is what I crave.
(C)2004-05Amber Sadoy



And now part of what i have thus far...on a new poem...

Your shaded monument
A memory of what was
Sacrificial pit of lust
Your desires flooding in
Your eyes depict the truth
Your mouth released the lies
This image is now flailing
The passion appears to have died

I know your wish, your fantasy
But you with me shall never again be
We danced the dance of death unforseen
We bathed ourselves in heaven's dust
Thinking this could

and that is where it ceases...hmm...not sure how it shall continue...we shall see...but i must be on my way...sorry this one was so brief but there shall be more to come tomorrow hopefully...



Scary pic of me...flee in terror my friends...





and a pic of my room...



Featured Ville Pic:











Farewell my beloveds...*hugs all tightly and slips into the starry night*
~The Innocent Demon~
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Friday, December 17, 2004

   this heart shall beat no more...
tick...tock...tick...tock...my heart anticipates yet my mind reveals downfall...more drama has fallen into my lap...the band...*sigh*...no longer does it exist...it has fallen into the flames...so i say farewell to that dream...in any case as i have mentioned previously i have encountered and am currently in an "online" romance...i am to meet him in person tomorrow...where will this take us...???...will this work out...???...dear mona these frustrations are welling up and cascading from my mind...i have spoken to his friends and brother...he has spoken to my mother...all appears well...he is a godsend so to say...quite the beauty...and a complete romantic...we see things in such a similar mannner...it seems as if our souls were meant to unite...we appear as yin and yang...a perfect balance...he stands for light...i stand for darkness...he is a christian...i am a Wiccaan...our ruling planets...his is the moon...and mine is the sun...we are most definitely different beings yet so much alike in many ways...i just pray that this religious break does not cause him any frustration...he knows of what i am and what represent and appears to be attracted to it...he is not attempting to bring me into something i am unwilling to enter...we shall see where these waves carry our boat...i do pray it is carried safely across to a paradise island...

So yes...I am dancing on down into the jaws of destruction...i feel as if my writing is taking a plunge down...every time i begin something i hit a mental block...the concrete wall just stretches out and looms before me preventing me from ever reaching completion...well i am now on my three week break...perhaps it shall provide me with inspiration and time to clear my mind...a current unfinished poem i am working on goes as this...

Whispering voices of love
Buried within the shadowey heart
Bleeding rose within the dove
The adrenaline soon to start

Through the sea of souls
The two sights begin to meet
Parting and shedding the black holes
The two enveloped within a letter of heat

The downpour of frustration
The shatter of insecurities
The decision of destruction
Broken shards releasing screaming pleas

Sacred angel won't you save me
Crucify my broken heart
Paths of a clouded discovery
Desire for thies dream to never part

When reality clashes with mirage
May conjoined hearts remain untouched

and that is all i have thus far...so far how does it sound...???...

I am sorry my loves...it appears as if i have abandoned all of you...i have missed you all terribly...please do not forget that i still continuously hold you all near my heart...i shall never forget you...you are all on my mind and i am constantly wondering how each of you are handling your lives...but i have returned for now...i should not be leaving any time soon i do not thing...who knows...we shall see...i love you all terribly...!!!

my friend michael has returned...i should be overjoyed yet i find i am not...he is the one who showed me the beauty in darkness...my vampiric friend if you will...but he contains emotions and desiresof me...none of which i can fullfill...*sigh*...i do not like this feeling...also a friend of school has been showring me with affection and riddling me with compliments...aye...as sweet as they both may be...i could love neither as they love me...and yet again my dog of an ex has returned to my side...i swear i must be his drug...but i will not let him swallow this pill anymore...i push him away and he does not understand...he tackles me down and tries kissing me and i demand he stop but it is not sinking into his mind...*large sigh*...perhaps someday he will understand that he broke me into many pieces and he will never be able to repair our broken love

no pictures or anything today...i do not feel so creative...Farewell all...

~The Innocent Demon~


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Saturday, December 11, 2004

   This body needs to be laid down to rest...
Emotion:...distant...upset...falling tears...
Clothes: Little Black Dress...skull nylons...red and black striped nylons...fishnet leggings...combat boots...Live Wire sweater...fishnet hoodie...red and black striped armwarmers...
Make-up: black eyeliner...black stars that appear to fall from my eyes...crimson eyeshadow...concealer...black lip gloss...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v325/The_Innocent_Demon/gothicvine.gif

I stare within the mirror deep into the eyes of my reflection...all i perceive with mine own eyes is emptiness within the soul lieing behind the glass...This glass provided immense pain and frustration...*sigh*...if only this madness would halt...by the end of the day my mood was reaching a more elevated level...i was preparing to head to a concert at our local theater...then my ex calls...in time he arrives to my house and we head for a stroll...all appeared to be well and orderly...he began flirting with me yet again which was rather annoying...i do not wish to swim around in the details...let me just say that he is rather angered that i may have interest in another guy and do not have any desire in heaven or hell to return to his arms...*shakes head*...he is yet again being a major jerk...



however on top of this some destructive chaos has been placed upon our band as well...Our guitarist has yet again had to move but somebody broke into his house and stole his DVD player, DVDs, and our keyboard...also part of our drum set has been taken as well...by the owners that is ...they wish to sell the pieces...so we are left with not much now...we are however possibly going to merge with this one fellow named Omar...i am unsure of who he is..but he plays bass and wishes to do vocals...now imentioned that perhaps we can take turns doing lead and background vocals...i hope that this does not present any problem...oh well...i must push those thoughts aside...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v325/The_Innocent_Demon/gothicvine.gif

Shayne is coming down next week i believe so that is one lifeline of hope that is pulling me through this despair...oh i suppose i should clear up who this Shayne is...well as insane as this may sound to some of you i met him online..on MySpace.com to be exact...we are fond of one another and wish to meet so he is going to visit...and in time i shall do the same...my family is surprisingly accepting of this...i am not so worried however because the internet is what brought my sister and her current husband together and they are honestly and truely in love...we shall see what time will bring of this situation...



so many projects and activities to attend...tomorrow is our formal...*sigh*...i believe i shall head off from here so i can get to some of your sites...sorr i have been away for so long...but now i have returned...Farewell my beloveds.

~The Innocent Demon~


Oh and how could i forget the featured Ville pic...




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Friday, November 26, 2004

   The closest thing to death is love....
hmmm...i have been away for quite some time haven't I...???...well i found some interesting facts upon our nations Thanksgiving...it disturbed me to the extreme that this holiday be based upon such horrendous bloodshed...continue to read on if you will...it is rather long however....this is from a post i posted on another site...

Happy Thanksgiving all...I pray you had a good holiday.

Here is something interesting i have discovered of this holiday...This is from an online article i found...

"Most of us associate the Thanksgiving holiday with happy Pilgrims and Indians sitting down to a big feast. And that did happen - once.
The story began in 1614 when a band of English explorers sailed home to England with a ship full of Patuxet Indians bound for slavery. They left behind smallpox which virtually wiped out the Natives who had escaped.

In 1620, when some separatists from the Church of England (now known as Pilgrims...Christians of the Puritan sect) arrived in Massachusetts Bay, they found only one living Patuxet Indian, a man named Squanto who had survived slavery...first in Spain and then in England where he learned the English language. Squanto was originally from the village of Patuxet and a member of the Pokanokit Wampanoag Nation. Patuxet once stood on the exact site where the Pilgrims built Plymouth. The wheat the Pilgrims had brought with them to plant would not grow in the rocky soil...they needed to learn new ways for a new world. Squanto taught them to grow corn, to hunt and to fish. He also negotiated a peace treaty between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Nation. At the end of their first year, the Pilgrims held a great feast honoring Squanto and the Wampanoags.

But as word spread in England about the paradise to be found in the new world, more religious zealots began arriving by the boat load...their mentality did not tolerate differing political, social and religious beliefs. Finding no fences around the land, they considered it to be in the public domain. With a Bible in their hands to justify their every move, the Puritans began their march inland from the seaside communities. Joined by other settlers, they seized land, capturing strong young Natives for slaves and killing the rest.

The Pequot Nation had not agreed to the peace treaty Squanto had negotiated and they fought back. The Pequot War was one of the bloodiest Indian wars ever fought. In 1637 near present day Groton, Connecticut, over 700 men, women and children of the Pequot Tribe had gathered for their annual Green Corn Festival which was one of their Thanksgiving celebrations. In the predawn hours the sleeping Indians were surrounded by English and Dutch mercenaries who ordered them to come outside. Those who came out were shot or clubbed to death, while the terrified women and children who huddled inside the longhouse were burned alive. The next day the governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony declared 'A Day Of Thanksgiving' because 700 unarmed men, women and children had been murdered.

Cheered by their 'victory,' the brave colonists attacked village after village. Women and children over 14 were sold into slavery while the rest were murdered. Boats loaded with a many as 500 slaves regularly left the ports of New England. Bounties were paid for Indian scalps to encourage as many deaths as possible. Following an especially successful raid against the Pequot in what is now Stamford, Connecticut, another day of 'thanksgiving' was announced to celebrate victory over the heathen savages. During the feasting, the hacked off heads of Natives were kicked through the streets like soccer balls.

Even the friendly Wampanoag did not escape the madness. Their chief was beheaded, and his head impaled on a pole in Plymouth, Massachusetts -- where it remained on display for all to see.

The killings became more and more frenzied, with a 'thanksgiving feast' being held after each successful massacre. George Washington finally suggested that only one day of Thanksgiving per year be set aside, instead of celebrating each and every massacre. Years later, during the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln decreed Thanksgiving Day to be a legal national holiday -- he did this on the same day he ordered troops to march against the starving Sioux in Minnesota.

This story doesn't have quite the same fuzzy feelings associated with it as the one where the Indians and Pilgrims are all sitting down together at the big feast. But we need to learn our true history so it won't ever be repeated."
http://www.attheoak.com//holiday/thanksgiving3.html


The traditional story we have grown so accustomed to is a false dream of what America truely wishes happened. The nation has grown dillusional to what really took place and hates to admit that at times the nation was like a fucked up bastard. In the late 1800s and early 1900s a large wave of immigrants came to America. The government was fearful that they would grow a feeling of disconnection with their new home and rebell or separate themselves from the country into little factions. The traditional tale of the Pilgrims, Native Americans, and the Thanksgiving feast were used to give the immigrants a feeling of nationalism while in the "naturalization" process. They were fed a tale of pride that was completely untrue. These immigrants contained false pride. Sometimes ignorance may be bliss but in this case no. America is only attempting to forget their bloody actions of the past. We must learn from our mistakes if we wish to improve ourselves, but how can we do so if we are not even aware of what our mistakes are?

Farewell Friends,
Amber

Yes that is the gist of it...I hope i did not murder anybody's holiday by bringing them down with this news...people should just know is all...i believe i am going to cease celebrating this holiday...everyday should be a thanks...and not for the murder of numerous people...i think i shall start my own form of "Thanks-giving" tradition...yes, that i shall...

Featured Ville Pic:



a new sprout of love is budding as of now as well...i shall not reveal the details but it does not consist of The Dragon's Spike or My Strumming Muse...but he shows interest as well...*sigh*...perhaps my heart has finally found its key...

Farewell all my beloveds,
~The Innocent Demon~




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Sunday, November 7, 2004

   popped one too many pills
I truely wish i could stay but some physical pain is dwelling in the caverns of my body...moving around is horrendous...i may only update my finished version of my song and then put a few pics of me up...don't mind the yellow shirt...i was at a convention and was forced to wear it...grr...yellow looks sickly upon my flesh...

"Soul Destruction"
By Amber sadoy

My serene angel
Has molested my heart
My affection he trampled
And placed before me
My heavenly creature
Sacrificed my emotions
Saught for himself
Forgot I was there

Beyond the veil of shadowed smiles
Adoration came to rot
Corrupted seeds soon to sprout
Pushing on through the rocky soil
Bloody love, I cry for you.

My divine master
Has left me unleashed
Yet though my chains he broke
By his side I remain
I pray for the hate
But cursed with obssession
I shall reside on his beach
And drown in his green soul

Beyond the veil of shadowed smiles
Adoration came to rot
corrupted seeds soon to sprout
Pushing on through the rocky soil
bloody love i cry for you

I remain in this prison
With an unlocked door
My mind urges escape
My heart begging to stay
Someday he shall love
Or continuously not
But his presence is enough
Even though to him i am lost

(Repeat Chorus)
(C)2004 Amber Sadoy




My beloved is arriving at my house tommorrow to train me on the guitar so i can improve...*starry eyes*...him and i alone making music...lol...i can hardly contain my rapture
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Wednesday, November 3, 2004

   Drama is all i have
Greetings my beloved...sorry i have been away for so long...so much drama has occured in my life...i feel like i am starring in my very own teenae soap opera...except if it was just that then none of this drama would be real...



well on the issue of my mother and i...we are oging to seek therapy and we are doing well...now onto the male issues...



My ex-boyfriend...yes the same one has been continuously trying to get back with me and i was going to get back with him but on Halloween he calls me up and says "I may have a girlfriend."...then he throws all of this crap in my face about her as if i truly want to hear it...even after i asked him not to make me aware of it he decided to despite my request...he had been lieing to his mother and secretly seeing her and my mother busted him...he had talked to me earlier and was acting all sweet...he was holding me on the side like he did when we were first going out...which is when he was cheating on me...this of course is not cheating but playing with another's heart...my mother was mad and was not going to let him get away with this...he started telling all of these false truths to my mother...the thing that stung the hardest was when he denied ever asking me out last week...He said "I decided two weeks ago i was over her and was not going to take her back."...when on thurday we had this conversation...
Jonathan: "So can we go out before you come with me to my uncle's party?"
Me: "Why so you can introduce me as your girlfriend?"
Jonathan: (shyly) "Yeah."
Me: "I'll let you know in a few days."

he then had the gull to tell my mother that he was the damndest best friend i have ever had...*hysterical laughter*...yes because i love it when all of my closest friends just hurt me again and again...everyone in his household is mad at him and soon i shall be referred to as the psycho bitch as all of his other ex-girlfriends have been called after they broke up and he started seeing someone else...him and i are no longer going to speak or see each other...no connection...no communication...our tale is now over...he said many other hurtful things about me and claims he still wants to be my friend...i don't believe i could ever be his friend again because there would be too much pain sinking into me...







also while silently contemplating i have come to realize that guys only wish to have me for one reason...my one best friend has a boyfriend who loves her for HER...my othr best friend has two guys fighting over her for her...me...guys come and hit on me and hug me but their hands always rest somewhere they shouldn't...there reasons for being me are purely carnal...my personality can just dissolve because it is of no importance to any of them...that rather took a drastic blow to my self-esteem...it appears no one will love me for what my mind and personality can offer but only for what my body can offer...







One good thing that has come out of all of this is that i have dyed my hair...it is red violet with sreaks of black cherry...it looks really nice and rather dark so it makes me look much whiter...hey at least i got something nice along the way...







Featured Ville Pic:





Well i must bid you all farewell...hopefully i shall gather the some energy so i can visit some sites...*stares down and sees the healing scars*...hmm...i guess even pain subsides in time.

~The Innocent Demon~


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Saturday, October 23, 2004

   I don't know when i shall be returning...my mother has cancelled our plans to see my sister and now she has discovered the Child Protective Services are coming on Tuesday...so she is currently enraged storming about the house and calling all of these people...so now my sister is on her way to get me out of here...I am leaving...i don't know what is going to happen...i only wish that i could die






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   I am staring at the skies wishing that i could float up into that mystery and disintigrate into the fathom of that abyss...i remember this feeling...dear how i wish it would leave...tonight i was at a concert so i could go and see My Strumming Muse and The Dragon's Spike...i was there and able to talk to them both...The Dragon's Spike even let me place some dollar bills within his boxers...all i can say to that is ouch...!!!..especially when he hugged me goodbye...it felt so right...too bad he has a girlfriend long distance otherwise i would have asked him then and there...but of course as all are aware my main attention of affection lies upon My Strumming Muse...this one girl who is my friend but has no clue as to my feelings towards my muse was throwing herself at him and he wouldn't really respond so i thought i still stood a chance...well after the concert, her, i, and the bands were outside saying our goodbyes and hugging and kissing each other farewell...suddenly the guys started heading in and the others girl as well and told me to follow...the ones left was my muse and the girl...us girls were standing at the door and i was off to the side in the shadows just staring at the ceiling...one girl looked through the crack of the door and exclaimed, "They're making out!!!"...i just offered a smirk and began chewing on my inner jaw causing it to bleed...my method of releasing my pain without slicing my wrists...instead i slice teh insides of my mouth and leave scars in there that are not visible...so here i lie knowing that he never saw me as i wished for him to see me...he never wanted me as i wanted him...and yet i still cannot hate his angelic face...it remains buried within my mind and i still long to be the one placed in his arms...but my dreams seemingly can never be and perhaps it is better that it remains so...something so beautiful could only bring me more heartache...nothing so perfect in appearance could be as perfect when it came to the topic of love...i am currently now writing a song based upon this...all i have so far is the first verse and part of the chorus...

Untitled As Of Yet...by Amber Sadoy

My serene angel
Has molested my heart
My affection he trampled
And placed before me
My heavenly creature
Sacrificed my emotions
Saught for himself
Forgot i was there

Beond the veil of shadowed smiles
Affection came to rot
(c)2004...all i have so far...i shall post it once more when all is complete...

also the new layout as of now is ville valo...i need something to bring joy and rapture to my heart and soul... the ville pic for today is...



Farewell my loves...i wish you all the most and the best this world has to offer...*burns to ashes*

~The Innocent Demon~












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Thursday, October 14, 2004

   Do I Love You?
dear heavenly mona...!!!...i have just been alerted of some oncoming company...*starry eyes*...i would deeply wish to share this awesome news with you...i wish i could let you know of who is coming here but i cannot...the words cannot spew from my mouth...they must remain hidden behind my lips...even the most powerful of kissers would find themselves unable to part this barrier to convince me to let them in on this secret...all i can say that there are two people coming here...it is rather a hush-hush event and luckily enough i have been invited to go...these two males are my idols...one i absoloutely adore to death...*starry eyes again*...i cannot let one in on the full details until after the event has already occured...*stops...breathes in and sighs*...ok i should stop now before i end up typing to much information and give it all away...the reason as to why this is all so discreet is to avoid media and crazed fans...even though i myself am a crazed fun...^0^...well in any way i shall take pictures of this event and place them on here...and i know many of you will be pleased with who these people are...so this shall remain under wraps...all i can say is one of the teens here sent a letter to somebody seeking help...the person agreed so he is coming and is bringing his friend along with him and they are on their way to help us...^__^...

ah yes and today's ville pic is ...




Current Quizzes...


Soul of Eve


Find you inner Soul Goddess (Many results, awesome pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


You are guided by darkness. Chances are you are
depressed, or you just always see things in a
negative point of view. You sit back and take
everything in. You are the gentle giant. But
one day you will snap. (Rate my test)


What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla


Love...i have decided i am to live without for now...someday it shall arrive...i shall continue my dreaming of love and my hopes and wishes shall not cease but i shall just remain friends with those my eyes are set upon and if things lift up from there and escalate into another plateau or kinship then i shall thank the gods and goddesses for offering me my own angel...no need to rush love, right...?...



i must be on my way unfortunately...must prepare myself for this whole homecoming crap...*rolls eyes*...and i still have some papers i need to write...not really exciting...the only things i am looking forward to is the dance tomorrow and the concert on saturday...other than that i my life is filled with nothing but work...Farewell all...i am going to go and continue playing Tony Hawk's Underground Skating Destruction Tour 2...gotta love this game...it is hellishly awesome...plus Bam is in it...^_~...i leave before you my blessings of happiness and joy eternal.

~The Innocent Demon~


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