Sunday, July 18, 2004

   another survey....

have you ever
started a small scale revolution:	hmm...not extremely
tackled an athlete playing a game while you were a spectator:	no...but i have definitely wanted to
been arrested, what for?:	no...not yet
used a rhyming dictionary:	no...i prefer to use my own way of writing...not everything has to rhyme you know
been suspended, what for?:	...have i...?...i can't remeber
impersonated the pope:	no
shook hands with the devil:	oh yes...many times
created one of these quizes?:	*shakes head*
single handedly collapsed a nations economy?:	sure....
tell me more about yourself
forget your name, what name do you go by:	Fae_Fae and The Innocent Demon and Ambri
what name do you wish you went by:	Jade or Echo
what color do you wish your hair was:	black
and your eyes?:	green
what do you want to be when you grow up?:	a singer...or a psychologist
who is your role model? besides me:	not you...my sister...and linda
whats your favorite...
3 bands:	too many...but at the moment...HIM...The Rasmus...and The cure...but i love the doors...bob marley...cherry poppin voodoo daddies...and so much more
3 song:	too many to list here
3 movies:	LOTR 3...Edward Scisscorshands...Nightmare Before Christmas
3 books:	the Bluest Eye...Beloved...Queen of the Damned
color:	black and red
day of the week:	Friday...and Saturday
way to say \:	and what exactly does that mean?
time of day:	midnight and dusk
time of year:	hmmm...summer and autumn
holiday:	halloween...and christmas...and anything that gets me out of school
would you...
become a vampire and be eternally damned:	yes i would pass through the veil of evil
make someone else one:	if they were worthy of the kiss of death then yes
would you make me one?:	no...
do something just because you said you would:	it depends
go back and change time, not knowing the effect it would have:	i would like to but then i might become something i hate so i will have to say no
sights unseen
do you believe in god:	which one?
or fate?:	yes
how bout satan?:	perhaps
heaven, hell?:	something like that
if there\'s a hell are you going there?:	i am not sure
believe in ghosts?:	yes
life on other planets:	possibly
wicca?:	yes
magick in general:	yes
heart on your sleeve
ever been in love?:	yes
are you now?:	not sure
would you die for that person?:	um...well since i had to pause i suppose the answer would be no
do you have a super-heroe complex?:	i don't think so
are you getting over it?:	...
have you ever held your true feelings inside you?:	yes
sucks dont it?:	damn straight!!! >_<
are you talking to yourself zen?:	what was that?
finish the following...
if love is for suckers...:	than you've already reached the center of my tootsie pop
if there is a hell...:	then there is likely a heaven
if you lose everything...:	then i will have nothing
if no one's there...:	then i am alone
more questions
how many people in your life have you hated:	um...truly...5 i think
and loved?:	many...and most didn't return it
and lied to...tough question?:	i don't know
say what you think when you read these words
buddha:	my sister
zen:	master
love:	tattered
religion:	hypocrosy
life:	death
good:	evil
tear:	liquid diamond
botchla?:	???
flame:	eternal
fall:	fallen
blood:	thirst
angel:	abandoned
outcast:	lonely
scars:	life
awaken:	nightmare
scream:	therapy
paul:	???
mosh:	pain
hurt:	pacifying
rainbow:	hope
thurpl3:	???
punk:	katie
america:	corrupt
fascism:	no comment
rick:	tatoo artist
music:	life
hitler:	fucker
silver:	and cold...
this is the end
what will be your last words:	farewell...stranger
quote the bible:	...i would rather not...i could quote much from it...but it only brings sadness
quoth the raven:	Nevermore!!!

the zen quiz brought to you by BZOINK!
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   Sweet Allure...performed by Balligomingo...perfectly describes my mood
something i am not usually accustomed to happened this morning...i awoke with the sun...i mostly do not rise until midday or evening...but today was a drastic change...i arose joyful and feeling confident...i am not sure why this is...rather startled me how happy i was...i took a bath scented with rose and ocean crystals to awaken my senses...then after dressing into a rather brightly coloured attire i placed a citrus gel on my pressure points to energize my senses and spirit...i found myself lighthearted and moving about with ease instead of weighted by sorrow...i even cleared the mess of the night before...hopefully that will appease my mother...I also look more alive than usual...my cheeks have more color to them...my eyes has sparks of a brighter green in them and my hair more flowing...I still am trying to comprehend what is happening...i just hope that this current mood is not destroyed later on in the day...i pray that it remains peaceful through until the next rays of light peek through the clouds...



also...something i scrawled on a paper before drifting off to sleep...

Lifeless living
Do not weep for me
It is now or never
Love has pulled the lever
For now i must rot
In the arms of my Savior
Death Eternal


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Saturday, July 17, 2004

   lving in a world of bleeding hearts and fading dreams...
What happened to real love?...the courting...the gentleman...the gentle carress of a hand...the shy stolen glances under the waning moon....the small yet peaceful kisses surrounded by the seductive winds...the hushed whispers of a future together embraced by the rippling vines of a weeping willow?...What has our world grown into?...sex covers too many inches of society...I prefer moving slower...an old fashioned romance is my choice...but the media and society appear to be battling against the innocent love...some people are able to move quicker...perhaps that is their pace...but why must mine be so quickened like others...I see no beauty in fast romance...you should enjoy each tender moment...you should unearth the person slowly...taking your time and finding the gems inside them...people around me tell me what i want is not a real love...i have no experience of what a real love is...they say that if i had that kind of romance we wouldn't be a boyfriend and girlfriend but friends with privelages...they say it is because i am not readily wanting to explore their body and pleasurable points...hmm...i find pleasure in them just lying next to me and finding warmpth in their firm yet soft arms...with only the night and beating of our hearts serving as our music and lullaby...our blanket is the midnight sky...our mattress the sparkling dewey grass...our light are the flickering fireflies...that is what i think real love is...just so many others do not see it that way...i had something like that once...and like a foolish being i released it...and it floated away from me...straight into anothers arms...i cannot say that i wasn't hurt...because i was...i made a mistake...while the love i have now is enjoyable it is not the one i want...He tells me i am worth the wait but that many of his friends would have left me by now...it makes me feel as if he is praising himself for being able to withstand urges and tht i should be grateful for him...well that sure won my heart my over (sarcasm)...I truly do not feel beautiful around him...i know he believes i am beautiful...i don't know quite how to put it...other guys have made me feel like such a treasure to them...yet i cannot hate him fully...he just doesn't know how to love the way i wish he could...perhaps i am asking to much...i am one who always expects to much...and wants more than can be contained...those are flaws in which i battle with..but with every attempt of a breakup he continually throws the guilt upon me..."i am going to kill myself...i am going to give up on my book now and all of my dreams...i have no future now...don't be surprised if i am found dead by the morning..."...and when it is over he continually calls saying he just wants to talk to me...and then he goes on describing our happy moments and i am won over for the time being...then i find myself back in the rut again...but he loves me...damn it...why can that not be enough for me?...why must i cry over this...?...sometimes i pray for something to come up so we can be broken apart...now that i have come and thought of this all and released here on this entry i now understand...i do not think i am really in love with him...he is with me...but i am not satisfied in this relationship...i have my moments when i miss him but only as a friend...also he told me that during school time he wouldn't have lunch with me...i stated i wasn't asking him to ditch his friends completely nor i...just from time to time i could eat lunch with him and his friends, and him with me and my friends, and once in a while just us...and at other points just be with our own friends...he told me if i ate lunch with him and his friends he would be mainly with his friends...leaving me once again alone...he has a tendency to forget i exist when his friends are around...he never introduces me...only two of his friends have befriended me wihtout him...some of the others have spoken awful things about what him and i do...and he didn't even try to find out how tht rumor was started...he blames it mainly on his ex girlfriend ...but he also told me one of his friends may have started it...but he never really seemed concerned with it...perhaps because it would scar my reputation more than his...yet when any people i know spread evil things of him...i tell them straight out that it needs to stop and that they are incorrect...unfortunately in some of my battles i have come to find that the rumors others have claimed on him have surfaced true...but he would always deny it...until somehow or other someone from the center of it pulled of my blindfold and revealed what was truly lieing there...but right now he is attempting to try again...i suppose we shall see where this takes us...yet for some reason i have a feeling i will have to let this go come school time...which would probably be for the better instead of for the worse...every relationship has a clock that ticks away the time meant to be together...some are longer than others...some continue ticking on into death...and some are just short-lived...but that is life for you...am i really asking too much in this relationship?...now i am wondering if perhaps i am more of the problem than he is...more confusion still awaits...while looking on the outside love appears easy to solve...but once you are a part of the puzzle than you find it hard to swim your way out...sometimes it is better to remain outside looking in than to be inside experiencing the event...Farewell all and thank you for your advice on my problems...i take them all to heart and they really make me ponder and have guided me in more ways than one...

~The Innocent Demon~
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Friday, July 16, 2004

   Cupid's arrow has missed...
i am fearful that our love has been placed into the coffin and laid into the ground...he is down in the dirt digging through the dirt in an attempt to pull it out of hell's reach...but i stand with a shovel placing the dirt back into it...can you save a love that has already passed on? my heart speaks one dialect and my mind another...they are not working together but against one another...perhaps time shall repair our dismembered limbs...i must speak before him now...i must reveal the scene that has just occured...he must see it as i do...surely love has not blinded him so...please cupid resurrect this dead love
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   Correcting the errors of the past...
You are all indeed right...Hate truly is TOO strong of a word to describe my emotions towards my mother... we do have our "happy" moments...though they are few...i suppose the lighter times can break up some of the darker times...in any case if i want her to accept me than i must learn to accept her...i don't have to like what she does...but i have to take her for what she is...flaws and and all...my sister is doing well it turns out...that made me feel more content

i don't remember if i posted these or not ...i don't think so...so i will post them...

"Blood Lust"
by Amber Sadoy...May 18, 2004

All the silent images
Playing through my mind
Driving me off the edge
Off the fucking cliff
The match it lights a fire
Breaking up the dark
Killing the trust
Awakening the lust
I contain for you

I need you now
I need you dead
I want your blackening blood
Sanguine thirst
Fill me up
I want you fucking dead

Hands sliding down the body
Opening to ou
The sensual touches
While lying on your bed
the tender vein is calling
Waiting to decay
Sweet snap of the neck
Slurp of the lifeflow
Falling from your flesh

I need you now
I need you dead
I want your blackening blood
Sanguine thirst
Fill me now
I want you fucking dead

The desire is not away
For here i shall await
Await for the lamb to go astray
Silently I'm watching
Carefully I lie
Until the lovely innocence
The innocence be mine

also...here is an interesting conversation between my bandmates and I...then just the drummer and I...we were using a webcam so there are references to seeing things..is it obvious that i am bored?...

europa_nymph: hello
me_obscure: hi
europa_nymph: i don't see anything
europa_nymph:
europa_nymph: hehe...sorry
me_obscure: tis ok
me_obscure: so what u doin
europa_nymph: waiting for the webcam thingy
me_obscure: o
me_obscure: hmm
me_obscure: let me try again
me_obscure: k
europa_nymph: its working
me_obscure: i c
me_obscure: meet ur band
me_obscure: hehe
me_obscure: again
europa_nymph: lol
me_obscure: first off is henry the great
europa_nymph: hello
me_obscure: then its tony the wise
europa_nymph: *bows*...greetings oh wise one
me_obscure: lol
me_obscure: then its just me
europa_nymph: oh...i don't get to see you sergio?
me_obscure: then its Amber the intellect
europa_nymph: haha...funny
europa_nymph: hello sergio!!!
europa_nymph: and hello to your guitar...what are you playing?
me_obscure: haha hi
me_obscure: i dunno
me_obscure: just made somethin up
europa_nymph: cool
me_obscure: thats an interesting sn
europa_nymph: what?...europa nymph?
europa_nymph: or the other one
europa_nymph: ?
me_obscure: all of em actually
europa_nymph: lol...thank you.
me_obscure: your welcome
europa_nymph: so you guys are just jamming?
me_obscure: they jus came over
europa_nymph: wait...where are you guys?
europa_nymph: oh...your house
me_obscure: yeh
me_obscure: their jus playin my guitars
me_obscure: tony asked if he could strip for you
europa_nymph: lol...interesting...interesting
me_obscure: hahe
europa_nymph: but i don't have any dollar bills to put in his g-string
me_obscure: hes not goin to be wearing a g strign
me_obscure: lol
europa_nymph: lol...i'm not even going to ask
me_obscure: haha
me_obscure: so what u think of us
me_obscure: be honest
europa_nymph: i think you guys are awesome and really talented and i am honored to be with you guys in a band.
me_obscure:
me_obscure: thanks u
me_obscure: and we are honored for you bein our singer
europa_nymph: your welcome...and thank you!
me_obscure: ur welcome
europa_nymph: hold on...i need to go and down some more distasteful medicine
me_obscure: okay
europa_nymph: eww...my god that was disgusting...don't ever eat orange chicken after swallowing dayquil...it will make you really naseated
europa_nymph: hey...where did everybody go?
me_obscure: oh im sorry
me_obscure: ha i wont dont worry
me_obscure: they had to go
europa_nymph: oh well i guess i can't tell them goodbye then...lol...oh well
me_obscure: its okay...they told me to tell u obvua
europa_nymph: ditto
me_obscure: um...thanks?
europa_nymph: what is up with the questionmark?'
me_obscure: i dunno
me_obscure: i like the word ditto
europa_nymph: lol...yeah me too
me_obscure: wanna c someone beautiful?
europa_nymph: sure
me_obscure: okay
europa_nymph: you didn't tell me it was going to be scary...i've been blinded
me_obscure: pretty huh
me_obscure:
me_obscure: common Amber....
europa_nymph: where we going?
me_obscure: it is one of the most beautiful, most fascinating sights
me_obscure: haha
me_obscure: we're going to our dreams and beyond
europa_nymph: maybe to someone who hasn't seen a facein days
me_obscure: ive seen many faces
europa_nymph: yes...and mine is just another one in the stream of frightening ones
me_obscure: ur face is as beautiful as the northern lights lighting up the northern hemisphere
europa_nymph: i don't know about that
me_obscure: u should
europa_nymph: perhaps but i still don't
me_obscure: i know what u want
me_obscure: ive always known
me_obscure: known forever
europa_nymph: what?...hmm...i know too...i have always wanted ville valo
me_obscure: .......yeah...that too...........but how could u have always wanted him if u have not always known he exists
europa_nymph: hmm...well i have always something like him
me_obscure: wanted*
europa_nymph: yeah
me_obscure: someone*
me_obscure: he is not a thing
europa_nymph: oh yeah
me_obscure: u have someone that resembles the person...but not his personality
me_obscure: its whats within and u know it
me_obscure: so it will never work out
me_obscure: andu know it
me_obscure: ...im sorry
me_obscure: i gotta go dress up
europa_nymph: true and if his personality is as beautiful as his outer being then damn he is a god
me_obscure: i have to work
europa_nymph: oh ok...but first tell me...what did you think i have always wanted?
me_obscure: forget about it
europa_nymph: no ....please
me_obscure: i take my leave of u now
europa_nymph:
me_obscure: obvua
me_obscure: buh bye
me_obscure: take care
europa_nymph: farewell

the drummer makes me wonder...he is always bringing things up and then stopping in the middle of it and saying he is sorry for bringing it up...i know he used to like me...but i am not sure whether or not he still does...

Oh and thanks emilye for the e-mail...it brought smiles and laugter...and i haven't had those today... ^_^

sorry for the boring entry...i didnt' know what to say for once... Farewell all
~The Innocent Demon~
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   my ongoing thoughts...
things are beginning to balance themselves out again...that is good i suppose...I had to rise early this morning because i has an early practice...that was hell...i don't wake up until two...this time i rose at seven...i just noticed something...i literally do hate the sun...the estimated high out here is 113 degrees *sweats*...practice was rather exciting today...we started working our own tunes instead of working on cover ones...our method is rather different for me...i have the lyrics...they have the basic instrumental and them we tie them together and i have to come up with the melody right there on the spot...i just hope we can gather all of our material in time...my dear friend was weighted with a burden today...she called me in tears and i was completely confused on what was happening...i headed for her home and went to console her...then we spent the afternoon just talking and sitting on her roof...rather peaceful...it was one of those moments that you wish would last just somewhat longer...and of course when i returned my mother started biting into me...is there a moment when we do get a long?...
This madness must end...she will jump onto my back over anything...i clean the house and do all of these other things for her but seemingly they can never meet up to her standards...also i realized today she doesn't truly care about my music
...all of my friends have grown to love her as their own mother and i am about ready to gift wrap her and pass her onto them...i know that is disturbing of me to say and i must admit i feel a tinge guilty but she has more faces than she can carry...she is all cheerful and playing the part of the "cool hippie mom" when my friends are around...and i get to see her unmasked...i would rather stand before satan himself than to be beside her...my mother is a mixed blessing...if it weren't for her i never would have picked up writing but then there is the curse...she screwed me up so much as a child that i still have nighmares...i suppressed so much anger towards her that now it just floods out...before i was able to absorb my emotions and keep them in a small little box...unfortunately the box became over filled so now i snap so much more easily than i did before...there are times when we can truly connect and be one...and i fee so lighthearted...but then within a day or two she is griping about something i failed at and my whole dream crumbles to dust...all was false...i don't believe she will ever be able to call me her beloved daughter...i can't even say "I love you"...any kind of love i ever offered was returned with a cold shoulder and contempt...so i stopped caring...i broke in two...i grew to despise her...she was the last thing that i ever thought of...

then she got her disease...it is some rare disease...it could kill her...but then it may not...this scared the hell out of me...thinking that my mother was going to die...but then when i tried to make ammends for what was going on i received the gift of hope but then quickly it was stolen back from me...once again i prayed for escape...i became shut up in a tiny shell...i had my own little world...i would lie on my floor and rock back and forth and enter my own realm literally...remember how when we were little and we would create imaginary lands of fantasy and happiness?...well i did just that...
oh dear lucifer...i shall have to close for now...the subject of this discussion has requested i remove myself from the computer...perhaps i shall finish this tomorrow while she is at work...farewell all and once again thank you all for the comments on the well-being of my sister...i really appreciated it...i shall return soon...hopefully
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Thursday, July 15, 2004

hmm...it appears my sister has some sort of sleeping disorder...she is at what they call a "sleep lab"...she is under observation and they are trying to get her sleeping habits back to normal...she can't sleep...period...she has tried this one pill that can knock out a horse but it had no effect upon her...she also tried ambien...a pill which she gave me some of...more than i should of so i could get that lovely feeling...ok...we were abusing the drug...but it was my only time...and now lately she has been onslaugted with these waves of exhaustion in which she will pass out right where she is...she passed out at the grocery store and hit her head and the ambulance had to come for her....dear i hope she is ok...what would i do without her?...she has offered so much hope to me...we have both had a crappy childhood...her more so than i...and she had some major issues and moved to Michigan to take care of them...i swear she is the most loving person i have ever known...she is sixteen years older than i...she wants to take me out of here and wants me to travel with her to italy, germany, canada, all over the place and she told me no matter what i will get my spot in the limelight...she ensured me that i would be a singer...she is friends with korn and adema...she knows all of these people and she is a goddess to me...last year i was a reck and tried killing myself more times than needed but when i went up to visit her my whole life seemingly changed...i can't dexcribe how she made me feel...and her friends...and her husband...they were all so loving and accepting...her in laws didn't know who i was and already they said i was a part of they're family...she offered me more insight and knowledge than any schoolteacher could have done...she has given so much to me...clothes...money...but anyways...i jsut hope that this problem will dissolve quickly...she doesn't deserve to suffer...she is attempting to gain custody of her daughter but i know the whole family is against it...they know the old her...i know the real her...i have tried explaining the saint she is but my family is set in their ways...unfortunately one of our family traits is our stubborness and in some cases it can create real problems...i cannot continue...i need to sleep
this is an old entry but the dream has made another appearance in my nightime theater...my dreams that is
some dreams should come true...
Recent dream that has visited me in my sleep....

I lie in a coffin...dead...lifeless...my love...a love who i have not met but who is of a godsend...long black hair and green eyes and pale skin lies on the top of the coffin putting his ear to the polished woodhis heart beats reverberating to the inside of the coffin slowly offering me life and breath...a tear slides from his face and into a crack falling onto my eye...my eyes flutter open and I feel the blood rushing through my body once more...he kisses the coffin and places his hand upon the wood...i feel the heat circulating from his hand and i lift my hand and place it onto the silk that surrounds me...i shift inside and tap the sides to let him know i am not dead...just frozen from heartless love...he backs away and lifts the lid and i step out only to fall into his arms buried in his hair...then he cuts his arm and makes me to drink his blood...then all goes black...and i awaken in a room a crimson room and he is there by my side...and then i awaken in my real room...i think my heart is lieing to me




i saw this quiz on Lestat's site and i could not resist taking it...hmm...it appears we have the same results

Congratulations, you are the Vampire Lestat, You
refuse to be quite when you want to speak, you
have to be heard, you have to complete your
dreams at the expense of others no matter the
cost, you protect the ones you love, you are
known to go into brief moments of laughter
where you can not help but laugh, And you are
refered to as the


Which Vampire are you from the Vampire Chronicles?
brought to you by Quizilla

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   with the good comes the bad...
well I am in a more optimistic mood at the moment...i hope it lasts longer than most times...happiness never seems to stay...just drops by from time to time and then up and leaves me on my doorstep in tears and then misery returns and never seems to want to leave...always following me...today was my best friends birthday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASSIE!!!

sorry i had to do that...it was a great party...i rather enjoyed myself...although iruka never showed...that was rather upsetting...i had so much to tell him...

but a cloud of light has shown down on me today...my only true happiness is when i have my friends by my side...not when my family is around...not when i am with my boyfriend...only my friends...they are my stronghold and my shield...we all have some sort of guardian angel...i guess in this case i do contain some luck because i have more than enough...but if one of them deceived me i would more than likely pull the trigger...i must be on my way...my sister's friend is updatng me on the condition of my sister...oh dear...things are not looking so bright anymore...i will post more later...farewell
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