Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Death's wish...if you do not wish to hear about suicidal thoughts than please refrain from this post
this is what the grim reaper has asked of me upon this crappy day...he has handed me the knife and told me what must be done...it is time for me to exit into that light...follow into the beyond...i gently let it slip across my pulsating vein and await for the flower to blossom...so red and and so familiar...this sight is no stranger to my eyes...the land that stretches out from me has red rivers and waterfalls falling onto the rotting soil creating a crimson sea...this is my Red Sea...the skies become hazy...my strength raising up the white flag...my breath grows less and less audible...until the last of my sacrifice has been served...such lovely orbs of light floating before my eyes...i attempt to grasp but pull nothing but darkness...i let my face fall to the ground and my hands scratch up the earth...i bury myself into the blood and slowly lap some of it up...how sad ...it has fallen into the cracks...i close my eyes and reopen them to such a site...there he stands...reaching out his hand...to guide me through the unknown...i rise up from the ground with ease and painfree...i look down and see a sprout begin to push up from where my last liquid diamond fell from my eye...it changes so quickly and becomes a black rose...a symbol of my end and an emblem of my shadowed life...i gather up my thoughts and follow him into the hills...we shall hide from the sun...but make love in the candle's flickering light...we shall dream eternal...though he offers you pain he offers me release...though hate he has shown many ...a gentle smile i have received...we dance with the flames...we sing with the screams...we've become entangled him and i...on this night satan and i became husband and wife

We are the yin and yang of darkness forever...him the evil and i The Innocent Demon...
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lately things have been up and away it seems...these past few days have felt like a runaway dream...i have been in pain throughout the days as well...what is happening to my body?...is the emotional frustration forming into physical?...we shall see...today i was searching for a cloak and other clothes...i have of lately been lying out in the fresh grass staring at the moon and resting up against the trees...my relationship has begun to slowly climb its way back up...time will reveal our destiny...i should cease trying to predict what is around the corner...it always presents more problems than what is worth...i feel so cold right now...i want to escape to a grotto...perhaps to some cave...i need refuge...only in the night's folding arms am i truely in paradise...dissolving into the darkened skies...sinking into the moonbeams...forever in darkness...forever at peace...

I always wonder what will i become in life...i only wish to be known and loved by people worldwide...i want to be a singer more than i can express...i feel as if that is my only purpose in life...to sing and be heard...the stage...such a lovely place it is...the music is yours...yet you can never totally control it...it always manages to possess you and turn you into something other than what you are...the stage can bring you moments of happiness and leave you exasperated and breathless...i am sorry...i am doing it once again...rambling on into nothingness...i am sorry...i just feel so suppressed and alone on this hilltop...i want someone by my side...someone who will not betray my emotions...it seems there is this struggle that remains within my heart and mind...am i losing my mind...?...have i finally slipped into the watery depths of insanity...?...Farewell...


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Sunday, July 11, 2004

   This and That
Hello all...what a placid and dull day i am having...yesterday i attended the going away party for my cousin as i mentioned about earlier...I didn't realize how terribly i was going to miss her...I rather distanced myself which i have a tendancy to do at family gatherings...but there was no fighting...well we had her boyfriend's family over as well and my other cousin's boyfriend but still usually there are some kind of disagreements that cause disruption and angry words...glad to find things differently...we had our traditional Water Fight...it is our ritual...how it came to be i have no clue...I sang a song for my cousin...not exactly a good bye song but it was something and then she came in and harmonized with me...i won't see her smiling face for more than a year...that is frightening...also this love issue with my boyfriend and i is seemingly spiraling off into some broken haze...my friend is in the same condition as i am...so we have presented a pact...if by december things do not appear to be looking up we say farewell to our guys and move on...i admit i am not the greatest girlfriend...i move slow in relationships and i don't want him to grow clingy...and i also have high expectations...like for one i want to be able to have a stimulating conversation...we have so little of those with each other...all he talks about is his dreams and items of that sort but when i bring myself up he flips it back onto himself...also while singing he just continued on pounding away on the piano which threw me off...he wasn't playing anything...just banging on the keys...i think the love is gone...at least i am almost certain mine has left...Oh and Hiten e-mailed me and IMed me...awesome...he is really cool...i love it when people contact me...but hey...also...i finished another song...yes...i wrote it at four in the morning...my tears have seemingly dried somewhat and my blood has stopped spewing about...right now i am just in a somber solitude...also i worked on another song but am missing one part... i just have the verses and chorus...tell me what you think...it started off as something more cheerful but ended up in a darker narrow alleyway...

"My Apology" by amber sadoy...July 11, 2004

Sacrificing myself
For the sake of remaining one
Masquerading at the Devil's ball
I thought I could hold back
The gloom and the doom
But my will sank to nothing
Into the Titanic's arms

The mystery unfolding
Speaking the unspoken
My tears refused to hide the truth.
In a silent refuge
Our love died
Falling out
From our reach
This is my apology

The truth was laid like a map
Revealing our journey through flames
We somehow fooled the numbers
But our hearts knew all along
Our bomb has exploded
Leaving us in desolate ruin
Spread away from the dream that left us that day

the mystery unfolding
Speaking the unspoken
My tears refused to hide the truth
In a silent refuge
Our love died
Falling out
From our reach
This is my apology

Also my friend has said every time he hears this song it reminds him of me...

"Not Like The Other Girls" by the Rasmus

No more blame I am destined to keep you sane
Gotta rescue the flame
Gotta resuce the flame in your heart

No more blood, I will be there for you my love
I will stand by your side
the world has forsaken my girl

I should have seen it would be this way
I should have known from the start what she's up to
When you've loved and you've lost someone
You know wht it feels like to lose

She's fading away
Away from this world
Drifing like a feather
She's not like the other girls
She lives in the clouds
She talks to the birds
Hopeless little one
She's not like the other girls i know

No more shame, she has felt too much pain, in her life
In her mind she's repeating the words
All the love you put out will return to you

Farewell..
Fading out like the stars in my sky...
~The Innocent Demon~
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Saturday, July 10, 2004

   Fare thee well...dear amy
^_^...my cousin Amy is heading off to Japan in three weeks...how lucky she is...she is going to go teach English at a school over their...she has told us to pick whatever we want from there and send her the money and she will buy it for us...well i have a long list for her...she also mentioned in her e-mail to the family that if we want we can go visit her...and i am hoping from some miracle that i will be able to gather up enough money for a plane ticket over...that would be more than a dream come true...
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   Question?...Can anyone answer?
i have stumbled across something...when i make an entry it will not show up until i write another one...and how exactly do you all get your pix on your site?...lol...i am sorry folks..i am rather computer illiterate...hope you can forgive me

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Friday, July 9, 2004

...
Hate me...

Break me...

Leave me to die...
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   Slipping fast...
how much longer can a person stand and before falling after being riddled with bullets?... i swear if i slit my throat and let the blood fall at her feet it would more than likely please her...yes i speak ill of my mother...perhaps if she didn't hate me so much...she has all of my friends convinced...but they don't see her after they are gone...they don't have to hear the ridicule and yelling...sometimes i wish my blood would spill so no longer would her words enter my ears and stain my mind...all of my darkness and pain was because of her...she made me into these hateful thing i am now...i hate breathing...i no longer want her near...never was she a mother...i don't know what a mother or a father is like...not a real one anyways...please someone...am i dead yet?...dear his voice my only comfort...my only healing source...thank god for the singing talents of HIM or i would no longer see a point in living...his music gives me hope inspires me to not give up...but i am afraid that soon not even they can hold me on my feet...i am slipping fast...
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Thursday, July 8, 2004

   Darker Days hath returned...
the summer sun has just been shrouded by my depression...i hate to say it but a blade running across her skin or mine is looking very promising to my eyes at the moment...I lie at the bottom of a well accompanied by my boyfriend...she stands above and vomits more crap into the whole...drowning and suffocating the relationship...and he vomits it up too...they are a team and i lie here trying to search for the exit...i am surrounded by stone...no way to climb out...must close my eyes and wish on the floating piece of a rotting eye...it alone may serve as my falling star...perhaps someday my real love will throw down a rope of some sort and pull me out and into his heavenly arms...someday...someday my dreams will be true...i will find my vampire prince and we shall go underground and live in darkness and meloncholy sorrow...loving the pitch black and the candlelit hallways embracing each other and becoming lost within one another's bodies...us alone will find the joy in broken lives and the beaty of a cryptic message scrawled within one another's skin by blades...then we shall bleed together...becoming unified and whole...my sweet nightmare return tome once more...i have started two new songs... one called "My Apology" and the other called "Not Wholely Devoted (To You)"...i have a plan...i could be breaking my boyfriend's heart...perhaps it is cheating perhaps it is not...i am meeting a man in the lanes of sliding and shattering...perhaps he can serve as my hope...if not i shall return as a recluse...




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adopt your own virtual pet!

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adopt your own virtual pet!

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