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myOtaku.com
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• InnocentDemon8
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Birthday
• 1987-08-06
Gender
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Female
Location
• The city of lost angels..a,k.a. Los Angeles
Member Since
• 2004-06-26
Occupation
• singer/ writer/ student/vampire/old age goth/witch
Real Name
• Amber but you can call me Fae-Fae
Personal
Achievements
• Choir Awards, Singing Awards, Poetry Awards...too many to list, Honor Roll my whole life
Anime Fan Since
• well...since eighth grade but my newfound friends in p.e. got me more into it
Favorite Anime
• Inuyasha, Cowboy Bebop, Witch Hunter Robin, Chobits, Yuyu Hakasho, Tenchi Muyo, Ruroini Kenshin...i know i spelled some of those wrong
Goals
• to become a singer, study in Italy, find my true vampire love...already attained, to master my craft of magic
Hobbies
• singing, being different, daydreaming, writing, dieing, bleeding from sel-inflicted wounds, crying, hurting, mentally breaking down, hating, loving everything but myself, ridiculing myself, drinking blood, casting spells, and learning about Wicca
Talents
• singing, writing,...i think that is it
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myOtaku.com: Fae Tsukiakira
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Monday, January 2, 2006
Reflections of the deceased...
So the year of '05 now lies in the dust...and the seed of the new year is planted, only to bud and blossom into another rose...sweet and lovely, yet riddled with thorns that tear and break apart the flesh and life...I've loved...and I've lost...and through that tumult of life I forgot how to love...I am unsure of what the feeling is when one is in love...My eyes only gaze into the past of my one real love...and the feeble smile slowly slides off of my face into my lap...I place it above the flame and watch it incinerate...the flames dancing upon it and consuming it until it is nothing but a grey ash to be carried away by the wind to unknown destinations where they shall either fade into the ground or breathed in by another soul who will for a brief second have a connection with my pain.
I wish to learn to love...but I cannot climb the hurdle and forget...I could dunk myself in cold water...shoot myself...slap myself silly...I just cannot awaken from my past love...that ghost remains in what seems to be an eternal slumber and does not wish to shake...I shake her and scream in her ears that the dream is dead...that his love has fled and will in time be given to another...but it is as if a spider has woven a shielding web within her ears so my words only bounce off the wall and back into my mouth...Until she awakens I cannot give my heart to another for she has it clutched so tightly and it cannot be pried from her cold hard grasp...alas I must sit about and wait until her dreaming slips into the hands of nightmares and she awakens in fear of what is the true reality...I pray that it is someday soon.
My head aches something terrible...perhaps because I am sick...perhaps because I am still awake after all of this time...but who knows...and really, who cares?...it is of little importance...I look at what I was at the beginning of '05...Dating Shayne and living a life so different from the one I am in now...months later to meet up with a divine lad who would forever change my life...by june, head over heels in love...july, living with my one love with dreams of marriage in the future...believing this to be my soulmate...august...a dark month...incredibly so...my world ripped away from me...september arrives, finally a word, his voice...but even then I could feel him slipping from me...I didn't want to see it...but love is blind...you see what you wish to see and never what is truly there...I saw a love to be eternal...but in a few months time that belief was obliterated...it's hard...we speak as friends...nothing more of course...conversation never as it once was and never again shall it be so...I find myself typing "I love you" as I did before and quickly hitting the backspace button before my pinky reaches for send..."No, Amber." I tell myself..."Those words are meaningless to him now and forever shall be."...so I suppose I shall lock those words away...despite how much I wish I could say them...but I guess the one I fell in love with is dead...and whoever he is now is done loving me...I just don't believe he realizes how much he took from me...how close to death I really was...how close from losing my mind I was...It just seems as if all of those promises he made me then were all in vain...He told me what I wanted to hear...did he mean it?...how can I know?...He promised to never hurt me...he promised he would return...He promised to love me forever...but somewhere in those two months of separation his love weakened...I'll admit mine did as well...and I tried ending things first...which I regret...I sometimes blame myself and think that if I hadn't of done that first then maybe he wouldn't have left me...but deep in my heart, I knew he wasn't coming back...everything he taught me to believe, he eventually showed me how false my beliefs were...so november pasts...december comes along...I try smiling...try being happy and caring to him...wondering what is he really thinking...does he really want to talk to me, or is he doing this all out of pity?...*slaps self*...GOD!!! enough of that...my mind wanders to this topic far too much which is what is destroying me and keeping me from moving on...
So, yes, the new year awaits me...new classes...new friends...a new life...whether I want that life or not...new love?...that I still cannot answer...remember the ghost of my past love has still not awoken...patience...in any case...I am a completely differenet being now than I was at the beginning of '05...had I met the me now back then I would have freaked...I never thought I'd be here in this place living this life...but it is just another experience to take a hold of and weave into a lesson I suppose...was it worth it?...the tears, the madness, the suicidal tendencies, the broken hearts? yes...because there was still smiles, love, kisses, friends, family, life...the stars continued shining...the waves forever rolling...the wind forever holding me...I would do it all again...each incident has made me what I am today...this being that writes this and speaks these words is this way because of the life she lived this last year...and had she not done so, why, she would be someone different...and that doesn't seem to be what the Fates want for her...only for her to be what she is now...this essence is in existance because of each decision made.
But I must lay my head upon that pillow or I will surely go mad...my head is throbbing even more than before and I am congested with this nasal back up...stupid cold season...as much as I love the rain, it always has a bad outcome for my health...well pray that it passes...Thank you for taking the time for reading this if you got this far, that is...you're a good person for doing so...comment if you wish...or just take the words and let them go or let them add meaning to your life...whatever you wish.
Goodnight (morning actually) and Farewell.
~The Innocent Demon~
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