Friday, March 4, 2005

Heartache
I hate my stepmom. She is so cruel. Whenever my father isn't home, she orders us around and calls us names and tells us that we've got to do stuff the way SHE wants us too or else we'll get in trouble. And shes always asking us questions and the main one is: Do you have plans this weekend? And yesterday, before my father got home, we told her we didn't have any plans tonight and she said, "Don't you have any friends?" We said yes and then she says, "Just go. Get out of the house." I seriously close to telling her off. Oh! And she made me take my dog on a walk in the freezing rain! She acts as if me and my sister are a illness and that our dog doesn't get taken on a long enough walk. We take her out for atleast 20 damn minutes 2 times a day! And she get put outside almost every 2 hours! >:| And she has 4 phobeias(sp?) One is a fear of clowns. One is of puppets. One is of things being disorganized. And one of things being dirty. So whenever I put my jacket on my dresser along with my hair brush. She puts my hair brush away and tells me to clean up my room when all I've got to do is move my jacket! I swear I'll kill her soon!

Okay. I'm sorry if it seems like I just keep ranting about how crappy things in my life are everytime I post, but this is one of the only places I can do that.

Heres alittle something I wrote last night when I was really pissed off and sad.

Heartache

Why must i continue on as if I'm happy?
So that others may be cheerful and have their hearts brightened at seeing someone they care dearly for?
Or so I may suffer the demonic words of people who were once my dearest friends?
If so, why not just end my life?
With a gash in each arm, I could leave this world behind and journey forth to unexplored lands that many yurn to enter; leaving my limp body and dark crimson fluid soaking into the floor as a grim present for my friends and family to morn over.
But, I haven't chosen that road yet.
I've released my anger and self pity in bitter tears that none have seen and only a soiled pillow as a witness.
I've yet to feel the undying warmth of someone who truely cares about my fate and who can tell when I'm truely sad when I act cheerful.
And for that and other reasons unreveiled to me, I've restrained myself from putting an end to my misery and just letting go.
As I sit and write this, my mind is wandering undiscovered roads, while my soul and flesh ache with so much unreleased emotions that have formed from close friends and family memebers.
From the words of an unloving mother, to the unspoken disappointment and anger of an honored father.
To the unseen anger towards the tinyest annoyance of a friend.
And finally to the still healing heart from an ended relationship of over a year with its first love, that yurns to feel the beating warmth of anothers love at its side.
Many things said and unsaid...
And yet...Is all of this heartache worth living for?
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