Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Okay so today is teh first day of the Spring semester. I am so happy!!!! Israel has started too and his first class is at eight soooooo, while I am waiting for my class to start at nine thirty I am going to post. Okay right now there is a girl sitting next to me listening to loud Japanese music in her headphones jumping up and down. I don't know what is wrong with her but she looks like she is trying to get someones attention and they are tragically ignoring her. Shes kind of disturbing. I don't wanna keep looking at her. Ugh shes restarting the song...... Anyway, I just forgot! I need to go to the library ASAP!!! I wll type again later

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So I have been feeling a little better. Today I went to work and then I came home and started to clean. It's been okay. But, I still feel sad... I really don't know where my mind has been. I just wanted to let you know that I am going to make a better post once I go to my first class on Tuesday which I am so excited for. I really don't now what to do without school. I hope you all have been doing well. talk to you later!

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Happy New Year!How have you all been? I know that I haven't really been around too much. I have been so busy with a stomach virus and then a cold and then jsut relationship stuff, work and life itself. I'm just a little depressed but it really is getting worse. I think that maybe I am becoming depressed. Something ust happened to me about a week ago. I have been feeling really clingy to Israel and I feel like he is losing interest in me and he is just getting annoyed with me...... It's been keeping me up at night and making me have horrible dreams. Then I start to get aggravated within and I want to scream at everyone. I want to fight and arfue with Israel and just tell him how I feel. I feel like I am a prisoner at times. I want to go so much but I love him so much. It's making me feel like crap. GOD!!!! I need help...... This is no way to feel for the New Year. Maybe this will pass.... yeah maybe it will......

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This was a great Christmas!!!! I hope you all had the same thinng. Mine was small and quaint. Just me and Israel and no one else. We woke up together and well, I was still asleep but he wasn't. So we both got up ad decided to open preseants. My biggest preseant was my puppy snoopy! When I moved out my mother got rid of him to my sister's boyfriend. Snoopy was stuck in a hot lot filled with dog crap and hot sun and dirty water..... So Israel got him back for me!!! I love him so much!!! I missed Snoopy so bad. Now he is comfy and healthy again. He also got me my favorite expensive shampoo and body wash. HE got me my favorite Victoria Secret body spray, a slow cooker, slow cooker recipee book, and my all time favorite hard to find novel Mortal Love by Elizabeth Hand. I had plenty more preseants but don't have time to really type right now. I really hope you guys had a great Christmas. Take care all!!! I will come back as soon as I can!

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Merry Christmas!

I got a B in math!!!! Finally! Wooh Well, I suppose everone is away due to the Holidays. I just want to wish everyone an Amazing Merry Christmas or Hannukah, and a Happy New Year!!!! Today I am busy with some chores while Israel is away. I'm gonna clean, do some laundry make cookies, potatoe salad and some cinnamon rolls. lol then I am gonna relax. I work at 9 am to 5 tomorrow so I gotta get some rest. Take care all!

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Well, I don't have much time to post. I cleaned up my room and I've een playing final fantasy five on my Ds. lol Plus I have een wrapping up Christmas presents and tracking the ones I ordered. When I come ack next time I really wanna talk to you guys. I just want to do a quick update. I finished up all my finals. Got an A in volleyball, B in Microbiology and a B in Microbiology Lab. I gotta wait another day to find out my other grades for math and History. I don't know how well I did on the History exam. I am pretty sure I got a C. Ugh. Anyway, I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday break!!!! I will post back as soon as I can. Take care!

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Not doing much. All alone now and I'm finding solace in it. Israel is at work and Kyle is away at work too. I should be studying but I just can't seem to concentrate and so I'm gonna clean up since this place is such a mess. I wish they new how to keep a house clean. It gets pretty gross sometimes. I even talk to them about it but no one listens...... *sigh* I really hope this changes. Kyle's things are all over the living room and Israel makes messes in the kitchen and never cleans up right away. Why am I the only one who cleans up right away? I'm starting to drift away from everything..... I have been thinking so much latley. I don't know why though. I'm so sleepy and tired and exhausted. My body needs more sleep and more relaxation. I'm killing myself I just know it. Last night at work I realizeed how much my body is breaking down. As you all know, I have Ulcerative Colitis which is basically an auto-immune disease where my iimune system things my large intestines are pathogens and dangerous to my body so they are slowly destroying them. I've been trying to go into remission before I reach the deadliest stage called toxic megacolon where my insides burst because they are so swollen. I don't know what's happening but I've been having bowel movemnents that I cannot control and at work I actually.... you know (blank) on myself at work!!! I ran away trying to get to the bathroom but it was waaaaaay to late by the time I got the restroom. I finally broke down to my boss and cried and told him all about how sick I really am. I went home only ten minutes early thogh. I tried to finish my shift completly with my pains in my insides and it hurt so bad...... I really hope you are all having a great day/evening/morning, where ever you may be. I hope you all aretaking care of yourselves and loving life. I have been listening to this song over and over and I can't stop crying. I really feel like I need to overcome so much. I just want to be healthy again. I hate this...... take care my friends

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Cross my fingers and hope to pass!

Things have been getting better but I really hope they stay that way. I'm getting sick of all this stress. When I'm an older woman I'm gonna have gray hair all over the place!!! Gray hair doesn't come easy in my family either. The women in my family have been through so much crap. lol thats why there are ore women still alive in my family than men. HAHA Anyway, for my Mibrobiology final, I got a B. My final grade in the class is an 86%. Thats a mid B. I' actually proud of myself. You see, I was going through so much this semester. Dealt with my mother, moved out, dealt with losing my faily, myself, and my time. Fought so much with Isarel and always felt on edge to where I may have to go next or what is gonna happen to me. I'm proud that I didn't even give up on anything. I'm taking my exams and I am going to succeed!!!! This song that I posted I can kinda relate too. Even if it's a lae band I actually really like this song. I think I posted it before. I don't know. But I hope you like it. ^_^ So how have you guys been doing? Getting ready for the holidays? I've been doing that too. Gonna get Israel some presents. I'm on his computer right now. my laptop wont work due to spyware. If anyone knows how to get rid of it with a good program please help me out. I don't wanna lose my itunes or pictures of my family. or microsoft word. Oh man I have a lot on my computer..... OMG the M on this keyboard doesn't work well. It keeps skipping it. Ugh. Okay, I better get going now, I gotta study for my finals for Monday and next Monday. MMMMM I'm still nervous but I know I can do it. You guys please take care. I hope to hear from you soon. ^_^

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Well, who has the upper hand?

I think I finally knocked some fucking sense into Irsael. LAst night he made the worst move he could have possibly done with me that night. So all was well and we were watching a movie and he starts to come on to me and I really don't feel like doing anything intimate with him because we already did you know what I mean? And well, he got pissed off at me asking me why I don't want to be intimate with him as much and why I don't know why I feel that way. I still told him that "I don't know" and when I did that he got super mad and he said well, "the next time you are feeling healthy and you don't want to get intimate with me then I am just gonna stop trying with you and look for someone else to do it with me." He knew that sounded bad and then he threw in a joke at the end. When he said that he knew I was hurt and angry and PISSED!!!! He clenched up and I almost started to growl and I started hitting the wall really hard. He was like "Oh My God Brittany I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that!" Then I screamed back at him "You wanna know why i really don't want to be intimate as much with you? You really want to know why????" I told him it's because he hurts my feelings all the time and that he hurts me deep and I try to hide it but no matter what he keeps hurting me and it's affecting the way I feel about myself and the way I feel about life and the way I feel about him. He pretty much knows know that it's all his fault. I told him and he felt bad. I know he did. I told him to fucking get off of me when he tried to touch me or hold me. I asked him how he would have felt if I told him I would go out and find someone else to please me. I know for a fact that even if I joked about that my ass would be out the damn door. Other than that, I deleted my facebook, and got rid of alot ofmy guy friends and now myotauk is like what BritLaw said. "our sectret little clubhouse". This is really my favorite place to talk and rant and vent and be happy. I'm glad I never gave this place up. Well, my microbiology final exam is tonight. I'm gonna go study for it after volleyball class. I'm super nervous but I think I am ready for it. I should be. I've been doing well in the class as it is already. I hope you guys do well on your finals (if they are coming up soon. Please take care my friends. You are the best ever! I can't wait until winter vacation. I will keep you guys updated then too. Bye bye!

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Walking in a winter wonderland........

So, the bad times have passed, Thanksgiving was celebrated and now the Christmas time is here. Israel asked me to be with him again but to be honest I don't know how long that will last. He thinks I'm a liar and that all guys are trying to be with me. HE gets pissed at every guy that comes around me whether is be a classmate, co-worker, or just a stranger!!!! He gets an attitude and acts like they are idiots. I don't know what to do but now, I am going to start saving up for emergencies if or when I need to go. I'm starting to miss my mom and sister and brother but I know I can't go back there if I want my freedom but my illness hasn't gotten better and I haven't heard back from welfare yet for medicaid or foodstamps. If I had some help financially I would be able to save up more and possibly leave when I need to. Israel says he doesn't want anymore secrets between us and I wont keep anything from him now. But in return I had to stop talking to all my friends that are guys and I'm not going back on facebook anytime soon. So now, I have theotaku and myotaku to talk to any remaining friends. Most are girls anyways. I think one guy on facebook, Andy Wu, or Chibi Andy on theotaku is the only one left. Right now, I need to focus on school and my health. I've been working late nights and getting up early mornings. I need a vacation. I just want to be by myself for a little while. Someone send me away to a spa!!!! LOL I wish. What I want is to be put into a hospital for a few days so my intestines will stop bleeding and sweeling up. Well, besides all of that, how have you been doing? Has everything been good, bad, or blah? This school semester feels like it's dragging it's butt to go away. Seriously, anyone else feel that way? I just want spring to get here and be over with. I swear it's getting on my nerves. I have fina;s that I know I'm not well prepared for and well, thta makes me nervous. So far I am doing okay, just passing by with B's I think. How about you guys? I really hope this semester has been easier on you than it has been on me. Well, I'm gonna get the heck outa here. I hope you guys are doing good. Take care!

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