Wednesday, November 24, 2010

If it can better?

Hello everyone. How have you been? I've been tired, running on empty, and emotionally drained. I don't know how much more I can really take right now. Israel says he doesn't know if he will ever get back with me but you see will still act like a couple only we just look like we are mad at each other a lot now. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just want him with me again. We are so close and I don't want to lose him.... I love him so much!!!! He is really confusing me too. Last night, we went to bed (together as always) and we were talking about pretty much nothing and we were having a good time. Then he turned off the lights and he pulled me close to him and we fell asleep in each other's arms. He asked me if I wanted to start a family. I said yes and then he said I want to too. ?????????? What. The. Heck? I woke up from a dream this morning. I felt like someone was squeezing me and wouldn't let go. I woke up one minute before my alarm. When I woke up I was screaming and Israel was holding me very close. I don't know why but I think I am scared of him..... The person in my dream wasn't Israel but what if it's a sign? Ugh I really don't know what to do. I turned off my facebook now so no one can infiltrate. I also changed the password too. Apparently you cannot really delete a facebook account but you can deactivate it. lol Whatever works. Thank goodness I have this secret place of myotaku. This is really where I vent and talk. Thank you guys for being the best ever. ^_^ As for me, I'm gonna go and read your updates. You guys take care okay? Oh and Happy Thanksgiving!

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   Don't bother none

Well, long time no post. I have some bad news for you guys too. Since things have gotten bad for me in life right now, I may not be able to post or read your posts as much as I would like. You see things have gotten so bad for me that I don't even know what to do..... Let me explain...... Well, the other day, Israel used my computer and I forgot to log out of facebook (yet again..... and this time I deleted my facebook) He read a message that I forgot was in there and well, he seen that an old friend of mine had a little crush on me. This message was from 2009 when I wasn't even dating Israel. But, I totally forgot about this incidence and well, Israel told me that we are no longer together as a couple..... He says I broke his heart for the last time. He yells at me now everyday about how I ruined our relationship by lying about my friend. I totally forgot about how he had a small crush on me. It only lasted like four days!!!!!!!! Ugh.... But here is the problem with everything Israel has told everyone that we are broken up and he changed his status on facebook to single but, he wont let me leave the apartment, we go on walks and he holds my hand everywhere we go, we still sleep close to each other in bed, he kisses me and he still goes as far as you know..... And then when all is said and done he will whisper in my ear telling me how I ruined our relationship but we will figure things out. All I can say is ???????????? He wears the key I gave him around his neck now. I don't know what he wants. He says I need to take ownership in what I did and that I need to admit that I am a liar. I want him back though. I can't stand to think of him being with another woman. He says that he can't ever marry anyone but me. He said that yesterday night. This morning he looked at me before he dropped me off at school, kissed my forhead and then told me that he will figure things out. Then he kissed me. Right now, I am so confused and I think that is what he wants to do. We still act like we are together but I haven't told anyone but you guys that we are broken up. He's told everyone!!!!!!! I wish I could win the lottery. A big lottery too so if he decides he never wants me back, I can get the hell up out of there and live on my own forever. After Israel, I will probably never love a man again. I don't know what to do anymore....... If you guys have any ideas as to how to own up to a lie that would be great or how to get someone back without looking like a pity party or pathetic that would be great. Or just give me some advice as to what I should do.

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Today, I am just so exhausted. I have classes from 9:30 am to 9:00 pm. Ugh. Thank goodness Israel gets out of work early. He is going to tke me home atound 12:00 pm so Ican get a nap and rest up. Yesterday was my first real day off in a long while. I enjoyed it. I stayed in bed almost all day. Studied for a bit and then me and Israel went to the mall to browse around for Christmas gifts for our families and friends. I really don't know what to get Israel for Christmas. I'm thinking a gift card to a comic book shop or a clothing store because he needs new clothes badly. I am still wondering what I should get my grandma. I was thinking a nice comfy robe with matching slippers and socks. I kinda know what I want to get for Christmas but I dont really want to ask for much. I will probably buy some things for myself when all the Christmas clearance sales go on. lol I suppose that is selfish but hey, gotta spoil yourself sometimes! I want so many kitchen things like a blender, a slow-cooker, a teapot set, a china set, cookie sheets, and yeah. Thats pretty much it. lol If you take me to the kitchen stuff I am all over that! haha So, What are you guys gonna do for Thanksgiving and Chrsitmas and or any other holiday you celebrate? I hope you guys have great plans. lol I have been noticing that it's been getting slow here. I hope you guys aren't too busy with work, and school and whatever else that may come along your way. Oh and now I'm gonna post those pics that I said I would of me and Israel. lol We were at Bush Gardens and also these are Halloween pictures. Lol he was giving me the puppy dog eyes. We were on the train ride for this one I thought this Rhino was really cute. lol I was a pink fair while Israel was an old school pilot. We both made these costumes like the day before Halloween. lol Okay so that's all I have. I will update as soon as possible for next time. Please take care!!!

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   Sleepy

Well, I am very sorry that I have't been around too much latley. Internet went out at my house so, I was unable to get on here and post and read up on your wonderful lives. lol So, last night, I was dreaming of being with my grandma in her small apartment just spending time with her. For some reason, when I was dreaming about it, I felt so at ease.... Now that I have moved out of my mom's place, I feel like I am growing an even stronger connection with my grandma. Which I am a little sad because now she is getting so old and I don't know how long she has left to live. I really hope she has another like ten or fifteen years left on her...... So, who is ready for Thanksgiving? I know I am. I have all the things I need except for the turkey butu I will soon. I am making my first Thanksgiving dinner without my mom. But I already know how to cook the dinner and all but to be honest, I will miss my family this year. I hope they are doing well this year. Well, I am going to get out of here and check up on you guys. I am hoping that everything has been fine and that life has been treating you well. See you laterz!

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Casaway! Now I'm on my own!

Oh KAY!!! So, today I have been feeling like total crap! I am coming down with something and it's killing me! Tomorrow Israel is taking me to my doctor's to get my some kind of help. My insides are twisting up inside and it's keeping me up at night with internal bleeding, night sweats and nightmares. Literally I wake up more than five times a night and by the time I need to wake up, my body finally sleeps! It's obnoxious. Today at school, I hardly stayed awake in microbiology class, I got mad in volleyball because two of the classmates treat me like I am burden on their team, and in History I had to write a four page essay about world war one and answer 60 multiple choice questions within the hour. It was tough but I finished it. I just hope I did alright. It's hard to think a lot cause my brain is so tired and so is my body. How have you all been though? Busy I expect. I haven't seen as many friends on here latley. Oh and GoodMonkey, if you check my post, I can't see your page because there are so many ads on it. Help me!!! I'm gonna have to work tomorrow from 5:00 pm to 11:00 pm. Short shift but it is so late! I hope I can handle it. I need the money for bills and groceries. I need to buy myself my own food because my insides can't digest the American diet. You know, grease, burgers, high fructose corn syrup. UGH!!!! No fair. I gotta live off baked chicken and veggies. Fruit is even bad for me. lol well some fruit that is. Anyways, thanks so much for your comments. They mean a lot. *huggles* please take care my friends. I miss you all!

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   like and angel!

A lot to catch up on for you all actually.... I hope you wont mind. So, today around eight, I am going to go and talk to my sister. I talked with her last Wednesday and well, she doesn't hate me as much as I thought. We talked and laughed and hugged each other good-bye when we had to go but she told me where she usually is in the mornings here at school. I hope she is there today. Another note, I am finally talking to my dad again. I haven't talked to him since he left last year. I re-connected with my Great-Uncle, Grandma and other family members up in Maryland on my dad's side. My mom stopped talking to them and forbade me to talk to them too because they werent giving us money. (my mom was always bumming money off them) and so now, they want to fly me up there to visit them! I'm so excited. I'll probably be leaving this Spring Break. As for yesterday, I went to work to train on the Publix register. It's a little tricky but I know I will get used to it. However, the lady who trained me was a real bitch. Honestly, she seemed like she was annoyed because I was learning. She kept tapping me and flinging things at me and she acted like I should already know what to do. Damn lady!!!! I was a cashier but the touch screen computer was so new to me! lol plus, she was doing everything your not supposed to do. It's like she wants me to learn everything wrong so I can get fired. I was seriously uncomfortable. She wasn't even a manager. She was a full-time customer service lady but still, I don't care, you don't be mean to new people. I learn better when I don't feel hot breath on the back of my neck. lol After work, I was suppoed to go see my grandma in St. Petersburg but the rain stopped us. So Israel took me to our Chinese buffet (we go there a lot and the ladies know us there and treat us good) And after that he told me he wanted to go check something out at the store and when we got there he walked me over to a nail salon. I was so confused when we walked in and he asked them to give me a manicure and peticure. lol This was myfirst time ever getting those professionally done. I was shocked and a little embarrassed because I didn't even know what to do. He looked really happy that I was there. Afterwards, I asked him why he did that and he said because he wanted to see me get pamperd like a princess. I gave him a back massage that night to show thanks. lol I felt so out of place in that nail salon. My toes and fingers needed work I guess because she was clipping and scrapping them for a while. Now they look so pretty and clean. Today, I am gonna make sure I start to study more. I haven't been for a little while. I have been so preoccupied with other things. Oh and that reminds me. I need to call Publix to get my paycheck and hours, then I need to call my Gastrointestinal doctor for and appointment and then I have to call Bush Gardens to make sure my account is safe. lol Other than that I hope you all are doing okay and having a great week. I will stop by your sites and read on your updates now. I hope to hear from you sooooon!!! Take care my friends!

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Turkey Month!

Okay well, now that Halloween is done and over with, I canstart to get on my studies yet again!!!! Israek surprised me this weekend by taking me to Hall-O-Scream at Bush Gardens and then back to Bush GArdens to spend the day and then he took me Trick-Or-Treating. We gota nice little bag of candy and even though he felt a little odd trick or treating he still did it anyway. We did dress up, and I'll put pictures up soon. I was a pink fairy and he was an old pilot from like WWII. I think we had cool costumes. We tried to find some parties but, there weren't any really around the area. I hope you all have been doing well though. Anything new while I was away? I'm gonna make this short cause I have to study. Sooooo, I will come back and comment later tonight. SEE YA!

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M&M's and Gummy bears

So, the Flare up just wont go away. But for now I will make due. I don't really feel well enough to post. I haven't eaten because everytime I do I need to use the bathroom and rid like a cup of blood and it's just starting to hurt. So I am gonna make this short and hope that you all are doing well in life and that you are all happy and healthy. Okay so I found this and they say it's really tough. There are three differences in the photos but only like a few people really can find them. If you think you found a difference then click on either picture where the difference may be. Happy Hunting!!!! Click here to see how smart you are!!!!! Take care!!!!!

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Wake Me Up Inside

Well, today is a good day. I woke up this morning all by myself so I was able to relax and take a nice hot shower and eat some breakfast and take my meds. I got ready for my pre-employment paperwork/interview with Publix. It was nice because I got to walk there in the nice weather. I love October however, it doesn't feel like October. I don't even have a pumpkin to carve! I wish I had one...... I know that sounds dumb but I just wanted to have a normal Halloween..... I figured the only reason why I wasn't having a normal October is because I don't have any money to spend. I only have like $1.00 in my bank account and well, that is basically broke. Now, that I am home, I am working on getting employment verifications from Wal-Mart and Publix and either today or tomorrow, I will go to the school to to fax verification of my school records and attendance. I'm trying for cash and food assistance so I can have food and extra cash for my living needs. Ugh!!!! Wal-mart is making this so difficult!!!!! Grrrr..... I will figure it out soon. I'm probably going to call the govt. and tell them I am having difficulties. They say in the letter to contact them if I am having trouble. This sucks. Or I may just go to an office somewhere and ask for help. I think I will ask Israel is we can after work. He works till two and it's only 12:00 p.m. So, I think we should have time to get there and back. Israel and I talked again. I think I scared him because I told him I was not happy with him or the way he was treating me. He listened to me but tried to fight back at first and I snapped right back. I think things are good now. But if this happens again, I may actually leave. But then.... I really will be all alone. I don't like that feeling very much. I wish I had a good girlfriend around here that I could fall back on when things get tough..... I guess I am a loner after all. heh. I have so much things to update you guys with! lol I went to the doctors office yesterday and I spoke with him. I explained to him that the bleeding inside was bad and he was a little shocked. My immune system is becoming tolerant to the immune suppressors and the Asacol HD so he upped the dosage and that sucks cause one of the meds in in enema form and it hurts. It gets right into the tissue and stops the spasms of my intestines. ugh it hurts. I'm afraid one day they will take my large intestines out and I will have to have a colostomy bag..... eeeeew!!!!! But the good thing is that I don't need another colonoscopy. That would be a big burden on my time. He did prescribe me some antibiotics to help kill any infections that may be causing this flare up to get worse. I need to go pick it up at the pharmacy now. I gotta big list of things to do. So I found the perfect Halloween costume!!!! Isn't it so cute!?!?!?!?! I love it! It made me happy to see it for some reason. lol Oh and this is the song for today of how I am feeling. lol Yup. That is really how I feel today. I just want to be myself and not bend and change myself for others. I don't care if I have to leave everything behind: Israel, my family, my job anything, I will not change for anything or anyone. I do however want to grow up and learn when the time comes. I feel like I have learned a whole lot about myself and my future. It just took that one push of getting away from my mother. I know she hates me now but one day, when I have my career as a Virologist and I have money I will help her out and get her a nice home and take care of her and TJ and my sister. ^_^ Even if they wont take it I will still write them a check. I don't care what I need to do I just want to give back to them. Even if my mom wasn't so great to me. I still love her. Well, I am gonna get going now. Gonna make some chili for myself. Well, for Israel and Kyle but I'm gonna make some first while they are away so I can get more than just one bowl. They eat a lot!!!! I hope you all are taking good care of yourselves and thank you for all the support you have given me. You guys are really the best. ^_^ I love you!!!!!

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   Can't take much more

Yesterday was a good day until around four or five. In fact I am very depressed about it and I feel very much alone. Let me explain so I have at least someone to talk too. So, yesterday I was trying to contact my grandmother because I really needed to talk to her and I was hoping I could speak to my little brother for once. But when my brother answered the phone, he told me he couldn't ever talk to me again and hung up.... HE wouldn't let me speak to my grandma at all that day. But while I was trying those phone calls, I locked the door to my room because I was feeling so bad and like I just lost my family.... I just didn't want anyone to come in. Israel came to check up on me and he was pissed that I locked the door. Accusing me that I may be cheating on him and keeping things from him. He made this huge deal about it and he told me that he still has no trust in me whatsoever. He yelled at me and everything...... Before i went to make my phone call I told him what I was doing and I said I would be out soon. He really hurt me. Then he left to go to Brandon and I texted him not to leave me alone because I was really hurt. So, he takes me to go all the way to his aunts house to get money for that lawyer and he pushes me and moves me off of him as I hold him on the motorcycle and then when I let go he yells at me and tells me to hold on. I guess he didn't want me holding close. When we get to his Aunts he walks away fast from me and goes into the other room and I knock and no answer so I open the door slightly and he slams it in my face. I just walk out of the house and when he comes out like five minutes later, he hands me the helmet and I grabbed it hard from him. I think he felt my anger and he looked surprised. When we got home he took my phone and started to text all my guy friends a stupid chain text asking them if the would have sex with me. Since my guy friends Know I have a boyfriend and since they really are just my friends, they were all shocked by that but one knew it was my boyfriend doing that. I think Israel felt like a total jack ass. And I feel very hurt by all of this. That whole night has pushed me back and I don't even want to confide in him anymore. At least for now. I'm really hurt by this. I don't really know what to feel right now. I guess maybe this will pass..... If not I think I have to find a way to save myself from this pain. I love Israel so much but why does he have to act this way? It's not fair anymore.... I wan him to stop all of this crap!!!! The worst part is he is acting a little normal again like he is trying to get over this awful deed I have done by locking the door. Fuck that I'm sorry for this story. I don't really want to bug you all with that but damn... that was so mean of him! Going to go now. I have a doctors appointment today. I will talk to everyone later. Please take care.

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