Friday, August 12, 2005

   this is the thing....
everything in my life seems to be heading up...wtih chris and with school...and there for a while i was in a rut and was confused about how i felt about everything..and well everyone..however now it all seems to be going well...at least for now....with friends things are working out..moving to town when my grant at upsteins is over...so around the 27 of this month(august)..so that's good..money and good times..
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Monday, May 30, 2005

home again home again...jiggity jig....
as i said to kev...too much shit in too little time...everyday is a new worry and more crap....this last little while has really put things into perspective for me in more ways than one...honesty has it's bonuses..but well..it has it's many donwfalls..sometimes keeping things just in your head is a plus...it can stop someone from getting hurt...but it's not being honest...if you should come to the point where things slip out and you are left to deal with the consequences...then you should just count your losses and move on...and move on FAST...don't wait around for an explanation or an excuse to cover it up...just pretend what you said was for the better...right???....WRONG!...honesty kills...it rips everything you've ever lived for away from you...keep your secrets..hide your anger and frustration and leave everyone else out of it...hide it all away...my advice to you all..agree with me or not..i am walking proof of a thought once for the better gone completely ass backwards(quote Mr. Stevenson)...write it down...tell the wall...just keep it in yourself...but get it out all in the same...hide it all away and suffer through...just (so you can't sit and curl up with it anymore)...i don't know if i've asked you all this question before....but just in the same..."HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR THE THINGS THAT ONCE HURT TO FEEL GOOD AGAIN???"....make sense??.....no?...well tell me about it...i have so many things to tell...like i said to kev...too much shit in too little time...
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Sunday, May 15, 2005

when i have fears that i may cease to be.....
i had those fears and i held on....and it only got me hurt...i hurt soo bad...in ways by which i can't explain to any of you reading this...i loved him...i love him...and he took everything we built and destroyed it in one weekend with his lies..and his reason...none...he has no reason..but he loves her now...and she is his favorite..after the contribution she had towards destroying me..and i am destroyed..left...loveless..and with this helpless feeling of dissolution..if sense it makes...any?...i am still here...tragically ripped from my crib like an orphan child...loveless...empty...filled from my core with confused anger...and he moves on...leaving me to hurt...to bleed...to stitch myself..i'm like a wounded cat...hiding in my basket under the stairs...licking my own infectous wounds..while a small field mouse peers at me from a chewed void in the wall beside the heating vent...he is chuckeling at me for being so dumb and dashing across the lane...but i fooled them all...i made it didn't i??.i made it back home...barely alive...but living...
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