Thursday, May 12, 2005

   B:ARG. Honestly, sometimes I can't stand myself.
...Let's see... I made a completely MORON of myself in band today. Gah. Let's see.. I have a recital in 2 weeks? And I don't AT ALL comfortable with ANY of them. PLUS, we have an larger program to perform than normal. Oh joy...

So, we played Rustic Overture. GAH GAH GAH!!! *slams head on the wall* I suck at playing the clarinet... tch. I should've quit... 7 years ago. So, at band 2 folks weren't there… (FYI there's a total of 6 people in 'band') bad enough Rebecca wasn't... which is bad for me because she's playing the bass clarinet PART (she just a plain clarinet player... but her MUSIC is the bass clarinet part)… and I'm on baritone (Again, same concept) so our parts are very similar... and when the only other person in the band is gone and everyone else plays something completely different; you're trying to concentrate on the piano... it's can be difficult because I want to suit my part to everyone else around me.. So today... I was never loud enough and couldn't keep in time.

I was just getting so frustrated with myself I started crying. God, I hate it when I cry... I cry far too easily, I'm such a crybaby. I hate it. So now, I'm embarrassed because I'm crying and trying to play at the same time. Paranoia kicks in then. I bet Ian an Lauren were rolling their eyes at him... I know they were probably thinking the same thing I am now, I'm a crybaby and that I suck eggs at the clarinet and that I should just quit now before I screw up the spring recital. Now, I'm frustrated because I can't stop crying... makes it even worse. Right then, I was just hoping for a ceiling light fixture to get loose and bash me on the head... I suck.

Whatever, so. I'm not going to the field trip tomorrow... I don't really want to go canoeing, again...and I have some work to do. I get nauseous just thinking about graduation... I'm so afraid I won't be done in time.... I don't want to make a speech. Just hand me a diploma and let's get over with okay? I know none of the normans wanna be there at it... they would only be there because they're parents said they should. I don't really know anyone in the church... So, what's the point? I'm just one person, why have a ceremony? there's no point.

blarg. Stress Stress Stress… I still need a verse/quote for my announcements… yuck.

I got really angry again this afternoon, seems my younger sister got into my room in the middle of the night and my tarot cards were temporarily misplaced… I think I have them all back now. However, gah, I feel bad for being mad at her because well, she’s autistic and doesn’t mean any harm when she messes with things.

One week 'til the big 18.
22 'til grad.

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