Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Goodbye, Cruel World!
Hey, you. Mr. Dinosaur. Check it out.

http://www.theotaku.com/worlds/flintclub

...yeah, so this is my two-weeks notice...

-Flint
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Saturday, June 21, 2008

Triple Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake
Did someone call for a roof-raising? 'Cause Flint has arrived! How's everyone doing?!

I gotta tell ya, this town is under siege... by insects! At first, I thought it was merely crickets, but it gets worse. Far worse. And I fear they've only begun using their arsenal of crawlers and flying creatures against us humans.

Now, I'm not a squeamish fellow when it comes to insects. Down here, We get plenty of grasshoppers, aphids, earthworms, doodlebugs, spiders (which technically aren't insects, but they're getting lumped in anyway), fucking crickets, and any other bug you care to name. But there is one particular insect I cannot stomach. One horrid creature that, when spotted, will suddenly leave me literally sick, like vomit sick. I speak, of course, of...

The COCKROACH!!

Now, the south is no stranger to the cockroach. usually around summer, we get thousands of the little bastards, running around any and all areas of the city. They can get practically anywhere, regardless of how well-fortified the place is against them, they try to eat anything they get on (seriously, I once saw one trying to eat Styrofoam.), and basically freak your shit out when you see them scurry across any surface.

So, yesterday, as I'm walking across the parking lot from my job, the assault began. Not one, not two, but THREE of their noblest commandos attacked me, mighty Flint!

The First was merely a scout, on the sidewalk. I laughed at him, his lot in life merely to observe the humans and to report their activities to their roachen high chief. I raised my size-11 Doc Marten boot high into the air, and with a loud thud, their scout is now observing a particularly hot area of Hell. I smiled, thinking I had done a service to humanity.

I was wrong.

I arrived at my car. Nothing seemed amiss. I walked carelessly to the driver's side door. That's when I spotted him.

One of their braver troops had staked out my driver's side window. He scurried to his left and right. I wondered what he was doing for a moment. I realized, however, I didn't really care, I just wanted him dead. Luckily, I had a napkin from lunch in my pocket. I pulled it out, and plucked the bug from my window. I then threw the napkin to the ground, and stomped it for good measure.

Now I could rest. The worst was over.

...or was it?

That roach running from left to right? He was summoning an air raid!

From my left, a HUGE roach took flight, his horrid wings beating quickly in the night, getting closer to my face than I would have liked. I won't lie to you. My first reaction was screaming like a baby and recoiling to a safer zone. Then, I realized, I needed to fight back. I approached the bug, and took a few swings at it with my fists. I can only imagine how silly I must have looked, a man in a tie trying to box a flying roach in a parking lot.

After a minute and a half of this, the roach landed on the roof of my car. Acting purely on instinct at this point, I grabbed the thing with my bare hand, and crushed it in my palm. In that split second, I realized my error. I grabbed a cockroach with my BARE HAND and CRUSHED it. I opened my palm slowly. There he was, crushed and contorted, his entrails, white and brown liquidy substances, now stewing in the middle of my hands. His legs were still twitching, his wings fluttering every now and then.

It took my an eternity to catch my composure, and to try not to vomit were I stood. I washed my hands at a nearby gas station bathroom, and drove home victorious... at least, for this day...

Well, that's it. You guys have fun now!

-Flint
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Thursday, June 19, 2008

   Scissor Kick Nightmare
Y'all lend me your power! Flint's here! How's it going? I'm pretty great.

Right now, I'm hemorrhaging money. It's mostly my fault, too. I have all my bills under control, so it's not that. I feel the insatiable need to just go out and buy stupid things. For instance, yesterday I purchased a really sweet framed "Back to the Future Part II" double film cell set. What can I possibly do with this thing, besides do horrible Doc Brown impressions whenever anyone makes mention of it? Cost me all of ninety bucks. I'm helping stimulate the goddamn economy, I like to tell myself. I'm an action hero, that's what I do!

I've developed a taste for chili recently. I like to try all kinds. Thoughts?

This whole vicinity I'm in is under siege by crickets. It's like the entire cricket armies of the world have converged in my town, and just started their bid for conquest. Seriously, I kill one, two more take his place! It's a battle we as humans cannot hope to win.

I guess that's the jist of it. See ya later!
-Flint
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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

   New Changes and Such
What's up, y'all? Flint's in the house.

I just got here from another multi-month vacation, only to find these crazy new changes. I've decided to change the formats of these different sites. From this day forward, the world "Diamond Fun Universe!" will be full of the usual dumb shit jokes and such you've grown to loathe, and this site will be just normal life occurrences in the life of Flint. Slightly less fun, I know, but it's still fun! I assure you!

I learned how to wash clothes today. I felt like a caveman, staring at this washing machine, armfull of dirty clothes at my side. I put the clothes in. Nothing.

"What is this shit?" I said aloud.

I read the nearby instructions. I first needed to pull some kind of knob to fill it with water. So I pulled the knob. "Ho, what's this sorcery?!" I exclaimed. The machine filled with water! Next, soap. Only an exact amount will do! Too little, and the clothes will die a horrible death, too much and they will explode, I assume. I put a scoop of Gain in, cautiously.

All the players were there. Water. Soap. Dirty clothes. Now, I needed to turn the machine on. I read the instructions again. "Turn the knob several times clockwise, then pull". I stared at the knob for awhile. If I turned this knob, then pulled it, my clothes could potentially be destroyed. But, if I don't, I'd be doomed to spend an eternity in filth!

All eyes were on me. It was now or never.

The knob was turned.

The knob was then pulled.

A slight whir could be heard inside the steely washing servant, followed by the sloshing of water. I sat down and waited for what seemed like an eternity.

The machine stopped.

I looked up. "Had I erred", I said to myself. I approached the machine, and hesitantly opened the door. There were my clothes, soaked yet smelling of a fresh spring breeze. I'd done it! I then proceeded to dry them in the dryer, which was, admittedly, a boring affair. I won't agonize you with the details, suffice it to say, they're now dry.

See? I told you it'd still be fun here!

-Flint
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

   Diamond Fun Universe!
Hello to everyone! My name is Flint, and this is my domain. This is my yard. And I'm the big dog in the yard. I totally stole that from the Undertaker, but what are you gonna do about it? After all, it's Wednesday!

Well, it's been more than one year since I popped in last. How's everyone doing? I'm doing just fine! Dancing around and singing, that's the extent of what I've been doing this past year. Not professionally, mind you. Just dancing and singing randomly, in an attempt to look insane.

Well, I guess that's all I got. Wow, you'd think after a year, a guy would have more to talk about. Oh, well. There's always next year.

Take care now!

-Flint
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