Monday, October 17, 2005

   News Hour!
Hello, ladies and Gentlemen! This is the news. My name is Flint, and I'll be your anchor this evening.

These days, you don't hear much about monsters. You hear about dumb stuff like weather and baseball, but never, EVER, about our supernatural friends. What of the mummy? Or Frankenstein? What has happened to our friends?!

Well, reader, you're in luck. For I, Flint Marco, MyO's #1 newsman, have traveled to Transylvania to visit our dear friend, Count Dracula. Enjoy!

(Flint is thrown from a jumbo jet above the Count's mansion. He hits the ground with a boom, and after a few minutes of spasming with death, manages to rise to his feet.)

FLINT: God dammit... last time I go coach. Fucking lazy-ass pilot bastards...

(Flint walks up the ridiculously long trail leading to the mansion. Whilst walking, Flint turns to his left, and sees the wolf-man crusified.)

FLINT: Wolfie...? WOLFIE-? What have they done to you, man?!

WOLF MAN: *cough, cough* Flint... I did this... to myself...

FLINT: But... why?

WOLF MAN: Because... I saw "the passion"...

FLINT: ...that movie's two years old. The joke is beyond dated.

WOLF MAN: No, You fool! ...I'm attoning for... the sins I've committed...

FLINT: Look at you, you're just grabbing onto branches to stay up! You're not even tied to the stupid cross!

WOLF MAN: Do you have any idea how hard it would be to tie myself to this thing?!

FLINT: All I'm saying is, you shouldn't act like you're in such great pain, 'cause your not!

WOLF MAN: Fine! Jezus Christ!

(Wolfie jumps down from his cross, and quickly scurries off into the night. Flint continues on toward the mansion. He then knocks on the giant doors.)

FLINT: Dracula! Open up!

(There is a long pause. Finally, the door opens...)

DRAC: ....

FLINT: ....

DRAC: Whu' d' yoo wan'?

(Dracula, already in his golden years, looks awful. He's balding, he's got a serious weight problem, and he smells like a sewer.)

FLINT: Uh... Hola? Como estas? Me nombre is Flint...

DRAC: Eglis'!

FLINT: I'm here from myO for an interview, sir.

DRAC: Doooo I ge' paid?

FLINT: ...sure.

DRAC: 'kay. com'n.

(Dracula leads Flint into his grand mansion. Of course, now "grand" is the last word that would describe it. Almost everything is broken, trash litters the ground, and Dracula seems content in wallowing in his own filth.)

FLINT: What happened to you?!

DRAC: Whu' d'yoo think?! Stup'd movie stud'yo stop'd payin' me m' royalties, 'cause no one wuz scarred o' me no more!

FLINT: Man, that sucks.

DRAC: No, really?! Now, no one even comes over no more, 'cause no one cares about Count Drac'la! They all love stupid... Jason Vorhees 'n... that... stupid "Jeepers Creepers" bullshit!

FLINT: If no one comes over, then how do you get your... sustinance?

DRAC: Y' mean blood? Yeah, I don' drink blood no more. I survive on a steady diet o' french fries an' booze.

FLINT: What?! How do you survive?!

DRAC: I don' know, an' I don' care! I don' care if I die tomorrow!

FLINT: I can get you help, Dracula. You need to get your demons in check.

DRAC: I AM A DEMON! NOW GET OUTTA MY FRIGGIN' MANSION!

(Dracula pulls a shotgun and begins taking wild blasts, while Flint runs for his life.)

Well, now, wasn't that fun? I'm full o' fun and fancy free, like the Disney movie of the same name!

I gotta go now. See ya.

-Flint
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Sunday, October 16, 2005

   Lifeplex: A Love Story
(The city of Kansas City is a cold, fearful place. Angry mobs of bikers and mutants wage war with each other and the surrounding populace around them. This is truly no man's land, and this is certainly no place for the hero of this story.)

(Young Flint is sitting in the locker room, awaiting his big match between the monster Brutus.)

Flint: Look, God? I know I don't pray to you often. I don't pray to you ever, really. But look, I've done some pretty nice things to people, and you owe me one. Don't let Brutus kill me tonight, or I'm telling everyone you don't exist!

(In walks The Raptor Mask, back from his match.)

RAPTOR MASK: Hey, there, Flint.

FLINT: Hey, Raptor. You see Brutus anywhere?

RAPTOR MASK: Nah. They haven't brought him from the assylum yet.

FLINT: ...Raptor Mask, is it true what they say about him?

RAPTOR MASK: About him murdering everyone he's ever been in the ring with? Yep.

FLINT: I... I need you to do something for me.

RAPTOR MASK: Shoot.

FLINT: I need you to give this watch to my son.

RAPTOR MASK: ...you don't have a son, Flint.

FLINT: ...then why did I have this watch up my ass for ten years?

RAPTOR MASK: I have better things to do than listen to a dead man. See ya!

FLINT: Raptor, wait...!

(The Raptor Mask briskly leaves the locker room, leaving Flint to wallow in his terror as he awaits the man-monster known as Brutus, legendary for killing every man unfortunate enough to face him.)

(Meanwhile, in the parking lot, a gigantic van pulls up, and a team of armored men run out from its doors.)

GUARD #2: Okay, this is the place.

GUARD #4: That wasn't your line. That was #1's line.

GUARD #2: What are you talking about?

GUARD #4: What need would there be for a "Guard #2" with o "Guard #1"?

GUARD #2: Well, where's #3, smart ass?

GUARD #4: Beats me. That guy's kind of a jerk anyway.

?: I agree.

GUARD #2: Who the-

(Both guard turn around to meet their fate: The monster Brutus had broken from his shakles, and now his fury is loosed upon them! Without hesitation, Brutus lobs off Guard #2's head with his mighty fist.)

GUARD #4: Y'know what rocks about being "Guard #4"? I ain't "Guard #2"!

(Brutus quickly drives his gigantic fist through the torso of Guard #4. As blood and sinew spewed throughout the parking lot, Brutus escaped into the deepest darkness, seeking his next prey: the man they call Flint!)

PROMOTOR: 'Ey Flint! Get out dere! Yer match begins in 2 seconds!

FLINT: Si, senior! Flint's onna case!

(Flint passes through the curtains. The arena is packed with bloodthirsty sociopaths, awaiting Flint's murder.)

ANNOUNCER: Now, entering the ring... From Bombay, India... weighing in at 287 pounds... the Terror from Texas, the Human Whilrwind of Violence... Flint Marco!

(The ovation for Flint is minimal at best. Flint enters the ring, and makes peace with the lord.)

(There is a shreik of terror from the left side of the building. Flint quickly looks. Half of the left side is destryed, and the fans who were not killed are now running for their lives. Brutus makes his way through the destruction, killing anyone and breaking anything in his path. Brutus enters the ring with a monstorous bound.)

BRUTUS: Time to DIE, FLINT MARCO!

FLINT: wai' wai' wait! Let's talk about this, man!

BRUTUS: No! I will kill you, and drink your blood from the base of your skull!

(Flint engages Brutus in battle. The fight wages on for hours, resulting mostly in the worst beating Flint has recieved in the history of ever. Finally, with a flying cross body from the middle rope, Flint pins Brutus, resulting in the biggest upset ever!)

FLINT: Yay! I'm alive! And I beat Brutus!

BRUTUS: Well, ya beat me, kid. Know what that means?

FLINT: We're best friends now?

BRUTUS: Nope. YOU DIE!

(Brutus punches a hole in the middle of Flint's chest. He then leaves the ring, embarassed beyond belief, whil Flint dies in horrible agony.)

-BAD END-

How do you get the good end? Beats me. Collect 150 rings or something.

I gotta go now. See ya!

-Flint
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

   Newsiez!
Good evening, lifeform. I am Flint, from the planet Mar-co. You will bow before me on this day, Tuesday. Bow lower!

Here at Flint's site, we're always trying to provide you, the valued reader, with suitable material to read. Unfortunately, the staff (consisting of one Flint and a team of chimps) are mostly illiterate, simple-minded clowns. No wonder I don't post too often.

I usually do a series of posts I call "News Hour", in which I "interview" "important" "people" using a series of "Sentences". But, dear reader, did you know that, like you, Flint got his start as an orphan living on the streets of London? It's true! Here's my news origin story, which I've dubbed:

NEWSIEZ: A SURVIVOR'S TALE

(The streets of London are made of two things: cold concrete and a colder populace. It is here we find our hero, FLINT, and his pal, NUMBERS.)

(Flint and Numbers are standing on a street corner. It is the dead of Midnight.)

FLINT: So, your saying that all I need to do to make a million dollars is catch Jack the Ripper in a rabbit snare?

NUMBERS: They're called "pounds" here, gov'ner, an' yea, 's all ya gotta do, mate. Now, git out there 'n get 'im.

FLINT: ...Jesus, you sure do butcher the language, don't you?

NUMBERS: Shet up, ye tosser! Jes' do as I tells ya!

(Numbers hand Flint the rabbit snare. Flint sets it up in front of a light post.)

FLINT: Okay, snare's set up. How the hell do we lure him into it?

NUMBERS: Easy! Me mum's a hoor! We'll get 'er tae stands in front o' the snare, an' when that Ripper bloke comes aroun', he's et!

FLINT: I admire your honesty, admiting your mother's a whore and all.

NUMBERS: Woman's gotta make a livin' don' she! New, wheit hea' while I fetch 'er! (Numbers runs off to his house to fetch his mom.)

FLINT: Is it me, or is his speech gradually getting worse?

(A moment later, Numbers returns, with his mother)

MOM: Ey now, wots all this, then? Numbers, ye mother's tryin' a' work! Wot's so important?

NUMBERS: Me 'n' Flint 're tryin' a' capture Jack th' Ripper so's we c'n collect his bounty!

MOM: You kids are bloody crazy! Jack th' Ripper? He'll bloody kill us!

FLINT: God in Heaven, will you please attempt normal speech!

NUMBERS: No time, Flint! Mum, will ye stand beside thet snare we set up?

MOM: Sure 'n I will, my son!

FLINT: "Sure 'n'" is an Irish phrase, not an English one! You guys are just trying to sound dumb now!

(Mom steps beside the rabbit snare, and begins to shake what her momma gave her. Numbers begins to cheer her on.)

FLINT: Man, will you stop peeping your own mom? You're giving me the creeps!

NUMBERS: We live in olde tyme London, mate! If the Plague don't kill us, King Aurthur will! Who bloody cares if I think me mum's hot?

FLINT: You sicken me.

NUMBERS: Who isn't?

(A shadow suddenly jumps from the rooftops. He lands right in front of Numbers's mom. The man is wearing a comically oversized brim hat and weilding a knife. Why, he's none other that Jack the Ripper!)

JACK: G'day!

(Jack chops off mom's head in one quick blow. The head rolls backward, while the corpse slumps over. Jack then takes a step to the left, and is caught in the rabbit snare.)

JACK: 'Ey now, wot's all this then?!

NUMBERS: Hehehe! We got ye, Jack th' Ripper! Now, te call the royal knights, 'n collect our pay!

FLINT: Hold up, stupid. I need to interview this man.

NUMBERS: Wot you need to interview 'im for, Flint? You ain't a newsie!

FLINT: No, it's for my otaku site.

NUMBERS: Okay.

MOM: Numbers! Get me 'ead on me body, an' I mean now!

NUMBERS: Yes, mum!

-Let es fini-

That's how I got my news start. Pretty awesome, huh? I'm full of awesomeness, 'cause I'm Flint!

Otay, I'm gone. See ya!

-Flint
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Thursday, September 29, 2005

   Tidbits time!
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen...

Competing tonight, for your viewing pleasure...

That God-King himself, FLINT MARCO!

Yes, it's the three-ring circus you've come to know as Flint! Accompanying him to ringside are his cohorts, mischief and mayhem. Today is now Thursday.

I don't know if you know this, reader, but ol' Flint's an opinionated guy. Meaning he's got a lot of them. Opinions, I mean. So, since I've got nothing better to write about, I'll expell some of them for your reading enjoyment, in a segment I call "Tidbits".

-Most recently, I've been considering getting a tatoo. If I ever get the funds or the guts to do so, I'll probably get a flaming skull or a blade.

-If I could switch places with any superhero for a day, I'd probably choose either Green Lantern, Shazam!, or Mighty Thor.

-At this point, I'd have to say that Sunset brand granola bars kick the crap out of Quaker-Oats granola bars. It needs to be said.

-My favorite soda right now is RC cola, although my love for Cherry Coke will never fully go away.

-When I'm at work, I'll sometimes thnk about awesome endings to comics I've read, in the vein of those "The End" comics Marvel was putting out. I even came up with the awesomest, Kingdom Come-esque "GTO: The End" story. Perhaps I'll tell it to you some day.

-I have an addiction to Heroclix. There, I said it. You gotta understand, I'm a comic book nut, so anything with superheroes on it already has my attention. I've accumulated quite a collection thus far. My two favorites thus far are probably "Kingdom Come" Superman and Killowag.

-Often, when given a choice between a long or short route somewhere, I'll take the long route. I enjoy anything that kills lots of time.

-My bookshelf used to be dominated by manga, with Trade Paperbacks heading up the minority. These days, TPBs seem to be emerging as the top dog, while manga is sitting in the afterburner. I simply can't find any good manga to read. Do you hav suggestions?

-If given the choice between "Mask" or "No Mask" when heading out to a wrestling ring, I'd go on with the mask. There's an air of mystery about the mask wrestler that I enjoy. I even own a few luchador masks, which I'll occasionally wear around.

-Who would win in a fight between Thor and Goku from DBZ? My money's on Thor!

Okay, that's enough. See ya later.

-Flint Marco
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Saturday, September 24, 2005

   What a Bust.
Seriously. Last time I watch the Weather Channel.

Hiya, dudes. Flint's the name, partyin's the game. It's now Saturday.

Yeah, so, if you live anywhere in the vicinity of Texas or Louisiana, you've heard of this damned storm. The great and powerful "Rita".

I fucking hate Hurricanes.

I'm totally serious. Way to screw up my weekend, weather gods. Wanna hear about it? Too bad, 'cause I'm telling you anyway.

It all started on Wednsday. My sister calls me, and sounds totally freaked. She asked me if I heard of the big hurricane. Now, I usually have the Television on Cartoon Network, so I hadn't heard anything about it. She tells me "It's the biggest hurricane ever" and "You'll die automatically if you look at it" and all kinds of hyperbole.

So, naturally, I freak as well.

I pack all my worldly possesions in suitcases, tupperware, and trashbags. And, when I say "all my worldly possesions" I mean ALL of it. Both me and my brother cram everything we own into my mom's SUV. It's packed with things I haven't even sorted out yet.

The next step is to drive far into the heart of Texas, to a city called "Pecos". I have no idea where you live, reader, but believe me, it's nowhere NEAR as big as Texas. It take two days to drive to El Passo from where I live, and that's not even leaving the State, for God's sake! So traveling into the Heart of Texas is a daunting task, to say the least.

We planned to meet my sister and brother-in-law in one of those hick-towns somewhere. When we did, however, we were pleasantly surprised. Not only did they bring their two dogs, but ol' bro-in-law brought along his mom, his sister, all three of her kids, and all eight of their dogs! Whoop-dee-damn-doo!

Now, you gotta understand, I hate kids and dogs. One kid and one dog are hard for me to handle. So, imagine my delight when I found out that not only am I infested with them now, but that all ten people and ten dogs are sharing TWO HOTEL ROOMS in the far off land of Pecos! I desperately tried tying a noose out of my t-shirts, to end my suffering before it began.

Somewhere along the way, my sister, didn't feel like driving to Pecos anymore. So now, we're wandering southern Texas, looking for a hotel with vacant rooms. Of course, there where none, because everyone was EVACUATING! We spend what seems like an eternity driving around looking for a hotel until...

We arive in beautiful New Branfules! If you're ever in the Texas area, I highly urge you to visit the big NB. It's got everything you need, plus it's conviniently ajacent to San Antonio.

We were lucky enough to find an agency which rents out weekend houses. We got a house with two bedrooms and one bathroom for three nights. Not a bad deal, expecially since it was, like, right across the street from a water park, not to mention the biggest county fair in the state of Texas.

The weekend was, suprisingly, enjoyable. I did tons of reading, I checked out the malls, and saw all kinds of cool stuff.

Come Saturday morning, we flipped on the news. The Hurricane had passed through Houston. It was finally time to hit the road, for the long road back to R-town.

We finally arrive in town, and I'm expecting the entire town to be rubble. Really, with all the damn hype this storm's getting, God himself could not hope to survive it.

Yet, there's everything. Standing as usual. There's my house, my car, the goddamn trashcans, not a scratch on them.

What a freakin' bust.

Six and a half hours later, Flint stands before you, beaten, battered, cold, hungry and alone.

Thank you, Opal Spiedel Haus!

-Flint Marco
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Time to Panic!
Hey there, guys and dolls! This is your old pal, Flint Marco! It's Wednsday afternoon, and panic encompasses all of the Gulf Coast.

Hark! What comes hither? A big-ass hurricane! Category 3 or more, you say? Guess who's gettin' the hell outaa Dodge?

Why, it's your old pal, Flint!

The plan right now, is to head west. That's all I got. Mabey hit New Mexico or something. The hurricane is headed north, so there goes my original, "Get to Dallas" plan.

I'm kinda-sorta freaking out right now. I'm packing all kinds of stuff right now. Clothes, books, snacks. Everyone seems to have taken the water from the stores before I could. That kinda sucks.

This fear I'm feeling is also accompanied by a strange sense of adventure. This might be fun. Fleeing for my life from a hurricane, I mean.

Well, I got things to do. Have fun now!

-Flint
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Saturday, September 17, 2005

   Tidbits
G'Day, ol' mates! I'm Blinky Flint. I've bet you've heard of me! I'm livin' in Austrailia, in a eucalyptus tree!

Am I the only guy on Earth who even remembers "Blinky Bill"? As a matter of fact, I remember a lot of obscure shows from my childhood? Man, does anyone remember all those "foursomes of creatures" cartoons, whose sole purpose of existing was to mooch off the Ninja Turtles? Boy, there was "Street Sharks", and "Extreme Dinosaurs" and all manner of beast in between.

Have you ever met a person who hasn't ever watched a show, and it totally pisses you off? The other day, I talked to a guy who claimed to never have heard of "Muppet Babies". Honestly, how the hell does one go about living his life without ever, EVER watching "Muppet Babies"? When I was a kid, I couldn't avoid watching the damn show! I still look over my shoulder these days, watching to see if Animal is lurking, waiting to scream "Go Bye-Bye!"

I can remember where I was when I first watched "Barney and Friends". I was still a kid, and I heard a promo on the radio for the show. Of course, the only Barney I knew was Barney Rubble, so naturally, I assumed this was a spinoff of "The Fintstones".

I remember running home from school, totaly jacked to see what ol' Mr. Rubble was gonna do to top Fred Flintstone, thus proving himself top dawg in Bedrock city. I raced to the kitchen (because that's where the Television was. It was early 90's, what do you want?), flipped on to the public broadcasting network (Channel 8, bay-bee!), and took a seat on the floor, waiting for Barney to take center stage.

Of course, what I got was a purple dinosaur and a bunch of creepy kids. What a bust.

It was a mini-tradition in my family that my father would take my and my brother to see the Ninja Turtles movies when they came out. You gotta understand, back in the day, I was the biggest ninja turtles fan in the world. I had to have all the toys, watch the cartoons whenever I could, and eat as many TMNT pies with that slimey goop inside as I could. Of course, the first movie rocked, and the second rocked harder.

The third movie rolled around, and my father was unable to take me to see it. I had to see it, though, by any means. Thankfully, I was invited by my aunt and cousins to see the flick. Now, I kinda sorta didn't like my cousins too much then, but I bit my lip and went with it. I would watch this goddamn movie if I had to assassinate the Pope to do it!

The third movie sucked. To this day, I think it blew because my father wasn't there to see it with me.

Okay, I have no idea why I've written all of this, but here it is. I gotta go now. See ya.

-Flint


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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

My Tribute to Shanny, by Flint Marco
Good eve, it's Flint, yada yada yada. Look, do you really want to hear all this? Good, 'cause I don't feel like writing it.

You're probably asking yourself, "Hey Flint, you always do a goofy introduction. Why not tonight?" Well, friends, I'm not doing it because this post is not about me, for once.

No, this post is for our friend, whom we have dedicated the entire month of September to.

Yes, friends, this post goes out to our friend, Shanny.

She goes by many names. I call her "Shanster", "Fellow Pharoh", and most importantly, "Friend, "Amigo" and "Accomplaice".

Shanny and me have been pals almost since I first arrived here. In fact, we're such good friends that she doesn't mind the grammer error that I made in that last sentence (if any of you caught that by the way, you're a total nerd). Since then, we've been outlaws, partners in crime, pharohs, Hell, she's even the one and only member of my ultra-obscure club, forever christened "The Shanny-Flint Connection". Can't beat that.

I can spout things that most everyone's saying. Shanny's the nicest, the greatest friend, the bestest person. But I'd like to say something that comes from my heart.

Thank you, Shanny. For everything.

Enjoy your month, Amigo. You deserve it.

-Flint


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Saturday, September 10, 2005

   Lists!
Good day, reader o' mine! Flint returns, and he's bringing with him fun! It's Saturday night, and you better believe I'm bored.

So, what's up with you? Me, I'm bored like a mug. Nothing's up with me. They found a snake in a watermelon setup at my work today. Someone had to kill it with a mop. Probably the awesomest thing to happen at that place in a while.

Okay, now time for fun! I know you, reader. You probably ask yourself every day, "What's Flint's favorite stuff?" Now, you may stop worrying, because two reasons:

1) It's time for Flint's lists o' fun! And...

2) I got nothing else to write about.

FLINT FAVORITE GRAPHIC NOVELS!

5. Earth X
4. Green Arrow: Quiver (or Green Arrow vol. 1)
3. The Punisher: Welcome Back Frank
2. Watchmen
1. Kingdom Come

That was fun! Let's do another!

FLINT'S FAVORITE WRESTLERS OF ALL TIMES AND PEOPLES

5. Shawn Michaels
4. Eddie Guerrero (Odd. I'm using him as an avitar, yet he's number 4 on the list...)
3. The Dudley Boyz (Buh buh ray and D-von)
2. Chris Jericho
1. Cactus Jack


Hehe, I feel an odd sense of accomplishment and egotism that's all to rare. Let's do another!

FLINT'S FAVORITE FOODS!

5. Granola Bar with Chocolate Chips
4. Burger (with cheese, please)
3. Pizza (pepperoni preferably)
2. Chicken Wings
1. Corn Dog


One more outta even this out.

FLINT'S FAVORITE ITEMS!

5. The One Ring
4. Ancient Sith Lightsaber
3. +3 Greatsword
2. Jetpack
1. Thor's Hammer

Yep, that's it. Fun with no purpose! That's what Flint's good at!

See ya whenever.

-Flint
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Wednesday, September 7, 2005

   Once More, with more Oomph!
Saluton, readers! Flint returns once more, to smile upon the world as only he can! It's Wednsday today, and I do heart days off, let me tell you.

Man, but I didn't do jack today. Talk about lazy days. I need some credit, guys. Seriously. It has come to my attention that I don't own a credit card. Me, Flint Marco, who is kinda-technically an adult, does not own a super-mature manly credit card.

I know this because today, I found the awesomest Arcade Cabinet. It was a Pac-Man 25th aniversary machine, that played Pac-Man, Miss Pac-Man, and my personal favorite, Galaga. It was expensive as hell, of course. And I don't really have $100 to my name, let alone over $1000. Cry tears for Flint, friends, for his dreams are crushed.

What are Flint's Dreams? Let me tell you!

TOP 5 DREAMS

5. Build a House on the Moon
4. Book a Wrestling Show
3. Go to Japan
2. Own an Arcade Cabinet
1. Write a Book

Yep, those are my dreams. Pretty wild, huh?

I've noticed how awesome people's intros are around here. Then I look at mine, and become depressed. Should I change the intro? Si or no?

Okay, I'll do funny stuff next time. See ya whenever.

-Flint
Comments (4) | Permalink