Wednesday, April 21, 2004

   Why Molly is Sooooo Cool, by Flint Marco
Good evening, reader o' mine! It's Wednsday again! The most indifferent day on Earth. That's why they call it "Hump Day". If you haven't already noticed, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to make an immature "Hump Day" crack.

Last post, I asked YOU, the reader, what I should have posted last post, intending to use those ideas for this post. Here's what I got:

-Tell the world why Molly's the coolest, and why I'm the luckiest man on Earth for even knowing her.

-Tell Earth which kind of pets I have/would own, and which don't have a chance.

-Explaining something about pi.

If you didn't read the title of this post already, I decided on the first. I don't ever intend on having pets. Dogs and Cats are hamburger meat to me. And as much as I like pi (Heehee!), I hate numbers more, so that can't be done.

So, here we are at a crossroads. We already know that Molly's the coolest person on Earth. Einstein told us so. But, the question is 'Why is she so cool? How did she become so cool?' I did ASSLOADS of research on the subject. I looked up all of Molly's records. I dug around in her trashcan. I stalked her for six months, going so far as to pose as her mother once, just to talk to her about brownies or something. Here's what I've been able to come up with:
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Molly was born in Shimubara, a small agricultural town in the heart of Kansas. Her parents were Todd and Kazumi Mulligan. Todd Mulligan was a simple farmer, who's specialty crop was soybean. But, he had a secret. He wasn't always "Todd Mulligan". Years ago, he went under a different name: Max Bonesaw, the bloodiest swordfighter in the United States. Some say he single-handedly won the Civil War for the Union. Anyway, getting back to Molly. Molly's coolness went untapped when she was born. She was so cool, that when a doctor tried to lift her up, she accidentally froze his arm.

Todd knew Molly was cool, but she needed to hone that raging coolness into a more refined "hip". The only way to do this, was through dicipline, learned through swordfighting. So, Todd grabbed his sword, dusty from years of wait. He forged Molly a tiny sword, made of forks and frog bones. The first thing Todd taught Molly was how to kill someone. He did this by beheading his own wife, right in front of Molly. Luckily, Molly's mom could regenerate lost parts. So, Todd and Molly stabbed mom for years.

At the age of Thirteen, Todd thought Molly was ready for the real world. He packed up all her belongings, and booted her out of his house, but not before handing her a neon green spandex suit and cape, with a letter "M" scrawled across the chest. Molly left Shimubara, and moved to the city of Tokugawa, a bustling metropolis in Kansas' upper East side.

Molly lived on the streets of Tokugawa for months, slowly amassing an army of less-cool thugs and psycopaths, who would gladly lay down their lives for someone so cool. She got a job as a pro wrestler, and pinned the likes of Andre the Giant, Hyabusa, and La Parka, all with little to no effort. The money was rolling in, but Molly felt her coolness was not being used to it's full effects with such non-cool peasants.

She met with the wrestling promoter, late one night in an alley.

"Molly! How's everything?", He said to her.

"Don't dick me around, bub. You told me my coolness would be tested to it's limits! Instead, you have me fake-beating up a seven-foot goof in a daiper!", she yelled.

"Molly, you don't understand-"

"No, YOU don't understand, man! I could crush you like a worm with my coolness if I wanted to!"

"So...you don't want to wrestle anymore?... Y'know, I run more than a wrestling promotion. I also do...odd jobs... for the mafia."

"Fool. If your asking me to be a hired gun, I decline."

"Nothing like that. There are some rather cool people out here. The mafia's kinda getting tired of their presence. We'd like it if you...sanctioned them."

"...How cool?"

Molly became an assassin for the mafia. Her coolness grew out of control. She grew a reputation in the underworld, and even a nickname: Blades Mulligan. Even the coolest man would fall before the might of her coolness.

Then one day, Molly walked into the mob office. The don threw a folder at her. She opened it up. There was a picture of a god-damn handsome man inside.

"Who's the stiff?", she asked.

"That man's the coolest guy we know. He's so cool, he's already taken over half of the western hemisphere, with collness alone. We need him dead, Molly.", the Don said.

"Done. He got a name?", Molly asked.

"...Flint Marco."

A week later, Molly arrived in Osaka, Japan. Rumor had it that this was Flint's base of opperations. She walked into the national building of Flint, and took an elevator all the way up to level 192. She then walked through the giant golden doors. Flint was inside, playing "Samurai Shodown", as he always did.

"Whoa! A Dame!", Flint exclaimed.

"You Flint?", Molly asked.

"Sure am, toots! What can I do ya fer?"

Molly drew her blades.

"The mafia told me to kill you, for being too cool. It is done.", Molly said.

"Well, you'll have a hard time killing a man...WHEN YOUR FULL O' BUCKSHOT!", Flint yelled.

Flint pulled out his Texas six-shooters, and fired like a madman. Molly deflected all the bullets with ease. She lept thirty feet into the air, then came down and kick Flint in the jaw. Flint hit the ground hard. Molly put the blade up to Flint's neck.

"OH GOD, SPARE ME! FOR THE LOVE OF TAFT, SPARE ME!", Flint yelled.

"Why?", Molly asked, sternly.

"Because...you're cooler than me...?"

There was a long silence. Fifteen minutes passed. Molly put up her blades. She quietly walked out of Flint's office, leaving him in a pool of urine, blood and tears.
-------------------------------------

There you go! Molly's cooler than me, and if I say otherwise, she'd kill me. What happened to Molly and her mafia connections? I don't know, why don't you ask her? Jesus, I'm not an encyclopedia.

Okay, I'm gone. See ya.

-Flint
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Tuesday, April 20, 2004

   And Now for Something Completely Different
I'm riding this "Lupin the Third" buzz I got goin' on. I even changed the Avatar. It ain't Haohmaru anymore, it's Jigen. I don't know how many times I've watched Castle of Cagliostro this week, but man, that movie rules! If you haven't seen it, check it out.

That's actually all I had planned for this post. I'm lazy, what do you want? I'll come up with something next time. America's all about procrastinating, that's why I live here. Now, for something for YOU to do! Interactive stuff is fun! In the comment box, write what I should have posted today! Include as many paragraphs, wacky characters and swear words as possible. Doesn't that sound like a hoot and a holler?

That's it. See ya later.
-Flint
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Thursday, April 15, 2004

   Stolen Holiday
Good eve to you, dear readers! It's Thursday again! Yeehaw! Well, instead of posting something cool or funny, I stole some surveys from SJ, instead. Yes, I'm a lazy Flint, I know. But, these are pretty enjoyable! Read, then do one yourself!

General Information
State your full name.:	Flint Jameson Javier Julius St. Marco the 4th, esquire
Do you like your name?:	You know it!
If you could change it, would you, and to what?:	Yep, to Jocko. That guy fuckin' rules.
Tell me your age.:	Eighteen years of age, sir.
Relationships/Love
What do you want your wedding to be like?:	Lots of bones and blood, and Andre's corps getting revenge on Hulk Hogan for bodyslamming him.
Tell me the perfect setting for when you have sex.:	A few women, sans-clothing, lying on a bed of some sort.
Have you ever been in love?:	Yes, once with Fujiko Mine, and once with an uptown girl.
Are you in love?:	Yes, with myself.
Your opinions
Rock music is..:	A tool used by society's outcasts to find a hopleless leverage to bond with the rest of the world.
Pop music is..:	What plays when Mick Foley comes to a wrestling ring
Your thoughts on anarchy:	Anarchy is for Englishmen.
Do you believe in God?:	Yes. A God of Fire and Suffering!
Favorites
Type of music:	Anything that rocks
Band:	River Bottom Nightmare Band
Food:	Burger
Thing to do:	Turn inhaled oxygen into carbon dioxide, which is then expelled
Thing to say:	"Heaven or Hell, it's your choice. But Bermuda is out of the question!"
Person to talk to:	My parole officer
Subject in school:	Lunchtime, bitch!
Parent:	The ones who gave birth to me, I guess...?
Color, and why:	Red, like the blood of the innocent
Author:	Jocko. That guy fuckin' rules!
Book:	Comic Books, preferably packed with sex and violence. That, or anything Jocko writes. That guy fuckin' rules.
Candy:	Ring pop. If anyone sasses me, it's lollipop to the eye time!
Last, just random questions and things about you.
Do you like yourself?:	You know it!
What do you like about yourself?:	Everything!
What dont you like about yourself?:	My liver. It's ugly.
Can you play any instruments?:	Bass drum, cow bell, and the tamborine.
Are you depressed?:	Nope.
Have you ever been suicidal?:	All the time. I'm like a friggin' kamikaze pilot behind the wheel, dude.
Do you do drugs?:	Where I come from, they call me "Crack Master". Does that answer your question?
Do you drink alcohol?:	Are you kidding? My organs are swimming in a sea of booze as we speak, friend.
Do you miss anyone right now? Who?:	Tony Danza. That guy brought the comedy.
What do you want to do with your life?:	Destroy everything, then rebuild it in my image.
What's something you know you want to accomplish before you die?:	Mastering my own fighting style, "Jocko-ryu".
Do you think that I love you?:	Why wouldn't you? Unless your a dude, 'cause Flint don't swing like that.
You best, because I do.

About Yourself brought to you by BZOINK!

andy is...:	Terry Bogard's Brother
you're...:	Flint Marco, the greatest genius of all times and peoples.
i like monkies:	because they jump around alot.
band is...:	bringing the awesome!
can sex wait:	If bathing and blood transfusions can wait, so can sex!
most horrible word...:	"the"
'love' is used too often:	in the world of Pro Wrestling.
speaking in rhyme is...:	tizzy and fly. See, I rhymed some words!
woohu is...:	not even a word. Ass.
football is...:	called "soccer" in the good ol' U.S. of A.
is cheerleading a sport?:	Sure, why not?
blondes are...:	Hot and Sexy.
midgets are...:	Hot and Sexy.
you hate...:	Blondes and Midgets.
bananas are...:	God's candy.
sunsets are...:	When the Chupocabra suck blood from goats.
tattoos...:	Are for sailors and Englishmen.
school is...:	for stupid people.
my favorite thing is...:	Blood and grief.
music...:	Is the soundtrack of life.
favorite feature in the opposite sex is...:	A Vagina.
instant messaging is...:	one of the many perks of having the internet.
favorite flower is...:	Flowers are for sissies.
pictures are...:	worth a thousand bucks. Or something like that.
milk is...:	Cow piss.
this survey...:	Lacks any kind of comedic prowess.
shoes...:	Are for feet.
favorite season is...:	Autumn.
re-makes of old movies are...:	Cool, I guess...?

random randomocity of life brought to you by BZOINK!

What comes to mind when you hear..
..snow?:	Frosty
..rain?:	Slipery Goodness
..tornado?:	Shanks
..summer love?:	Sounds like a porno
..Jon?:	Jonzz, the Martian Manhunter
..Mike?:	Turtle
..Shea?:	Amakusa Shiro Tokisada
..banana?:	Donkey Kong
..dizzy?:	Devil
..Laura?:	That chick from "Hamtaro"
..Juan?:	Valdez, the Columbian Coffee dude
..car?:	My pimpin' ride, bitch!
..white?:	Meat
..peppermint?:	Patty
..New Found Glory?:	The good ol' U.S. of A.
..placebo?:	Hyatt. I don't know why.
..orange juice?:	O.J. Simpson
..candid camera?:	D.J., from Full House
..sister?:	Susan B. Anthony
..brother?:	Abraham Lincoln
..hate?:	Love
..school?:	Booklearnin'
..President?:	Clinton
..football?:	Texans, bitch!
..rap?:	Dr. Dre
..pop?:	Bubble wrap
..rock?:	Barney Rubble
..punk?:	Sifl and Olly
..sex?:	FUJIKO!
..death?:	Maximo
..baby?:	no thanks...
..duuude?:	It's, like.... so dark in here, dude....
..the end?:	No! It can't end like this!

The Survey Where You Say The First Word That Comes To Mind. Yay. brought to you by BZOINK!
Comments (6) | Permalink

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

   News Hour
Hello, dear reader! It's Wednsday, the humpiest day on Earth. How was your day? Good? Bad? Indifferent, perhaps? Well, here's hoping you have a good day tomorrow! Who says I ain't a nice guy?

It's once again "News Hour", the post where I, Flint Marco, mO's Number 1 (and only) newsman, bring to YOU, (your name here), all the news that fits. Tonight, I have secured an interview with Thomas Lexington, America's Leading authority on Laser Eye Surgery. He's gonna tell us stuff about lasers and eyes, and stuff. Okay, let's do it, while I'm feelin' it!

FLINT: Mr. Lexington, it's a plea-

THOMAS: Call me Lex.

FLINT: ...Like Lex Luthor, or Lex Luger?

THOMAS: Luthor. I didn't murder the Macho Man's wife.

FLINT: Alright, man. Anyway, what's up with Laser Eye surgery, man?

THOMAS: Did you ever see that one episode of Daria, where she goes with Jane and Trent to the flea market?

FLINT: ...Yeah.

THOMAS: Well, laser surgery is a lot like that.

FLINT: ...That made no sense.

THOMAS: ...So, you didn't watch it?

FLINT: No, no, I did see it, and nowhere in that episode can I see a conection with Laser Eye Surgery.

THOMAS: Remember, when they left the booth, and told Upchuck to watch over it, and when they came back, the booth was recked, and Upchuck had left?

FLINT: Yeah, man, I know.

THOMAS: That's kinda what Laser Surgery does.

FLINT: ...

THOMAS: ...sooooo....

FLINT: Where did you get the skills to do this?

THOMAS: Skills?

FLINT: You have SOME kind of training in this field.

THOMAS: It ain't rocket science, man. Just point that laser at someone's eyes, and BLAM! Done and done! I tell ya, a Stormtrooper wouldn't have problems doing this job!

FLINT: ...Alright. Tell me, is that your barbeque pit right there, smoking?

THOMAS: Yeah, I'm cooking up some sweet T-Bone steaks. Got a bag of Funyuns and some Hawaiian Punch, that's good eatin', brother!

FLINT: Hey, how many steaks are you cooking?

THOMAS: Four.

FLINT: Can I have one?

THOMAS: Sure, I'll FedEx it to ya.

FLINT: ...Jackass.

There, the complex world of "Laser Eyeballs Surgery", simplified. Am I great, or am I great?

That's all ya get. See you later.

-Flint


Comments (7) | Permalink

Monday, April 12, 2004

   Now, For Some Post-Easter Goodness
Good Evening, Dear Reader! It is Monday, the day after Easter, or as I like to call it, "I hope to GOD that those eggs didn't go bad, because if I'm in the crapper, and I miss Pro Wrestling, I'm gonna turn my back on Religion" day.

Life's slow for Flint, as usual nowadays. Man, it's like I'm checking the clock every three minutes, seeing if it's bed time yet. There was a time when there wasn't enough time in the day for me to run amock. Now, it's like there's a traffic jam on the Sam Houston Timeway, and I'm stuck between an 18-wheeler, and one of those Amish horse-drawn wagons. I wish I could just fast-forward through all this, and get to the part where I'm the billionaire king of Earth.

...Huh? What did I do on Easter, you ask? I'll tell you! I did shit. I didn't even know it was Easter, until I heard it was on the radio. Who knew? I'm not a human calendar! These dudes got pretty upset at me for forgetting, too. They said to me, "Jesus was ressurected on this day. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Let me tell you, when Jesus starts leaving me presents under a tree, like Santa does on his birthday, then I'll remember Easter.

(Just kidding, Jesus! Please don't smite me!)

In other news, I finally beat Amakusa on Samurai Shodown 1. Hurray for me! I know what your thinking. "Flint, there have been 5 Samurai Shodown games, and you barely beat the first one?" Have you ever fought Amakusa on SS1? He's almost impossible to beat! I barely won this time! Besides, there was no Genjuro on SS1. *mumble, could've beaten it sooner with Genjuro, mumble*

That's about it. Wow, I went through an entire post without one stupid joke. We'll have to change that!!

FLINT: Hey, fatso, who's on First?

FATSO: I don't know, I can't read the cuecard.

FLINT: ...God, you are so fired.

Whew, that's better! Well, I'll be shovin' off now. See ya!

-Flint
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Saturday, April 10, 2004

   Saturday Night Slugfest!
Good evening, dear reader! This is Flint, coming to you semi-live, from wherever it is I'm typing this! It's Saturday, of course. Saturday was named after the gambling deity of the same name. Rumor has it that he lost a whole arm once playing poker, because he had no money, and refused to surrender. Or mabey I'm just bullshitting you. Whichever you hold to be true.

I was thinking of doing a serious post today. Super-serious. Serious like Captain Serious and the Serious Squad. But, I'll do that next time. Or the time after that, perhaps. Unless, you want a serious post, of course. You're comments are always valued by me! Anyway, tonight, I thought I'd do another one of those "V.S" posts, but this one has a bit of history behind it. This fight was the reason I started doing these "V.S" posts.

See, one day, me and my bro are watching DBZ, right? And there was Hercule, making an ass out of himself, as usual. I casually say, "Man, how did Hercule get that championship belt? I've never seen him actually beat someone!" Then, he tells me, "Dude, he beat Spopavich before he turned majin, remember?" I did remember. Hercule had to have some kind of martial arts training to actually beat someone. It was then that I had an epiphany. I knew another loser who had only beaten a handful of people: Dan Hibiki. So, I look at him, and I say, "Dude, who would win in a fight between Hercule and Dan?" He was dumbfounded. There were so many variables one would have to put in place.

So, tonight, I'm leaving the outcome of this fight to YOU, the reader! Fun, right? Of course, it is! Now, time for some "Tale of the Tape!"

-----------------------
TALE OF THE TAPE
----------------------

HERCULE



HAIRSTYLE: Funky-Ass 'Fro

FACIAL HAIR: Pimpin' Handlebar moustashe

GI COLOR: Brown "poopie" top, White "Liberace" pants

HOMEBOYS: Majin Buu, Pink Ball of Happy, Hungry Goodness

ADVANTAGE OVER DAN: Hercule is somewhat intimidating, even if his confidence is false. And, if things get too hairy, Majin Buu's got his back.

------------------------------

DAN HIBIKI



HAIRSTYLE: Ponytail, with exaggerated Spitcurl

FACIAL HAIR: Stubble on Chin

GI COLOR: Pink "Girly-Man" Gi

HOMEBOYS: Blanka, crazy Green Monster-Man

ADVANTAGE OVER HERCULE: Dan knows how to use energy attacks (The Gadouken is technically an energy attack.), and he doesn't know when to give up. No, seriously, he doesn't!

------------------------

Now, it's up to YOU, and your wise opinions, to finally settle this blood feud. Please, do this not for you, not for future generations, but for me. Please? Please, with sugar on top?

Okay, I'm so gone now. See ya when I see ya.

-Flint

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   Ol' Flint's Pulled a 'Terry Funk', huh?
Good evening, reader. My name is John Ramsey O'Connor. I was one of the web designers of the original FlintMarco.com, not to mention the president of the "Flint = God" fan club. A few years ago, we shut down Flintmarco.com, during on of Flint's uncontrollable drunken rages. That was back in 1987.

Now, in 2004, we decided to put up a new site, with a stylish new name: Flint.com. See, kids don't identify with a "Marco". They think he's that Groucho Marx dude. So we cut it off. Now, kids think Flint's the greatest again! And, as long as he sells T-shirts, drink coozies, and other assorted crap, we'll be happy.

Now, the return of Flint.com is great and all, and the kids are going ape-shit, but there's one person who doesn't know it's happening: Flint Marco himself. That's why we're gonna go to his house and give him the good news!

(John O'Connor walks up to Flint's front door, and knocks.)

FLINT: (Obviously drunk) ...Whudda fuck 'r yoo doin' h're, John?

JOHN: Flint, I have good news!

FLINT: Whut? Free money?

JOHN: Even better!

FLINT: Well, whut 's it?

JOHN: We created a NEW WEBSITE, dedicated to you again!

FLINT: ....

JOHN: ...Isn't that exciti-

FLINT: Wai', wai, wait, lemme git this strait. Yoo woke m' up at three in the aft'rnoon, while I was tryin'a git my beauty sleep, to tell me that yoo made a website?

JOHN: ...It's your website. Remember?

FLINT: ...

JOHN: soooo...

FLINT: (Grabs John's necktie, and begins choking him with it.) Do yoo realize I require FIFTEEN HOURS of sleep to maintain my natural beauty? I'm gonna look ugly thanks to yoo, O'Connor! You'll pay, man! YOU'LL PAY DEARLY!!

*CUT FEED*

Yep, that was THE Flint Marco nearly choking me to death with my own necktie! From here on in, we'll continue to attempt to bring you the same brand of incoherant babble and misspelled half-truths you've come to know and love. And who knows? If we can get him to calm down, Flint might even post once in a while! Well, that about it for this post. You've been a good audience. Have a cookie.

-John Ramsey O'Connor
Web Design dude, Flint.com
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