Saturday, June 21, 2008

Triple Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake
Did someone call for a roof-raising? 'Cause Flint has arrived! How's everyone doing?!

I gotta tell ya, this town is under siege... by insects! At first, I thought it was merely crickets, but it gets worse. Far worse. And I fear they've only begun using their arsenal of crawlers and flying creatures against us humans.

Now, I'm not a squeamish fellow when it comes to insects. Down here, We get plenty of grasshoppers, aphids, earthworms, doodlebugs, spiders (which technically aren't insects, but they're getting lumped in anyway), fucking crickets, and any other bug you care to name. But there is one particular insect I cannot stomach. One horrid creature that, when spotted, will suddenly leave me literally sick, like vomit sick. I speak, of course, of...

The COCKROACH!!

Now, the south is no stranger to the cockroach. usually around summer, we get thousands of the little bastards, running around any and all areas of the city. They can get practically anywhere, regardless of how well-fortified the place is against them, they try to eat anything they get on (seriously, I once saw one trying to eat Styrofoam.), and basically freak your shit out when you see them scurry across any surface.

So, yesterday, as I'm walking across the parking lot from my job, the assault began. Not one, not two, but THREE of their noblest commandos attacked me, mighty Flint!

The First was merely a scout, on the sidewalk. I laughed at him, his lot in life merely to observe the humans and to report their activities to their roachen high chief. I raised my size-11 Doc Marten boot high into the air, and with a loud thud, their scout is now observing a particularly hot area of Hell. I smiled, thinking I had done a service to humanity.

I was wrong.

I arrived at my car. Nothing seemed amiss. I walked carelessly to the driver's side door. That's when I spotted him.

One of their braver troops had staked out my driver's side window. He scurried to his left and right. I wondered what he was doing for a moment. I realized, however, I didn't really care, I just wanted him dead. Luckily, I had a napkin from lunch in my pocket. I pulled it out, and plucked the bug from my window. I then threw the napkin to the ground, and stomped it for good measure.

Now I could rest. The worst was over.

...or was it?

That roach running from left to right? He was summoning an air raid!

From my left, a HUGE roach took flight, his horrid wings beating quickly in the night, getting closer to my face than I would have liked. I won't lie to you. My first reaction was screaming like a baby and recoiling to a safer zone. Then, I realized, I needed to fight back. I approached the bug, and took a few swings at it with my fists. I can only imagine how silly I must have looked, a man in a tie trying to box a flying roach in a parking lot.

After a minute and a half of this, the roach landed on the roof of my car. Acting purely on instinct at this point, I grabbed the thing with my bare hand, and crushed it in my palm. In that split second, I realized my error. I grabbed a cockroach with my BARE HAND and CRUSHED it. I opened my palm slowly. There he was, crushed and contorted, his entrails, white and brown liquidy substances, now stewing in the middle of my hands. His legs were still twitching, his wings fluttering every now and then.

It took my an eternity to catch my composure, and to try not to vomit were I stood. I washed my hands at a nearby gas station bathroom, and drove home victorious... at least, for this day...

Well, that's it. You guys have fun now!

-Flint
Comments (4)