Friday, May 11, 2007

Prettier picture of me ^^ i told u i would put a new one on, so here it is!! lol. sry i didnt come on in the past few days...i wanted 2 come on but the computer was all funky...ungh..but neway..MY SOFTBALL TEAM IS GOIN TO THE PLAYOFFS!!! WOOT WOOT!!! lol...ummm

my so called b/f came over last saturday. no, nothing happened, but im hopin sumthin soon will.

im not flunking math nemore, but im not doin ne better in science...my teacher teaches it at HER level, not a 7th grade level...grrr

I almost kissed the guy i like by accident. and ya, i kno what ur thinkin, "yaaaa suuureeeee it was on accident. how do u do that?" but it was. i was lookin at him rly close and he was so close to me it was unbearable and for a split second i had moved in closer but then backed off. i had no clue what had come over me. overwhelming thoughts maybe? idk...coulda shoulda woulda, but i didnt.

~"First love is dangerous only when it is also the last."
- Branislav Nusic


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Saturday, May 5, 2007

just short 4 emotional neway
Wassup ppl? sry i havent been around in a while...been screwin around on myspace l8ly..lol ummm....i stopped cuttin myself, even though even wen i get hurt in softball my friends get nervous that i did it on purpose. it was funny tho cuz i got this nasty scrape in softball and my b/f told my best friend sarah that i did it on purpose and she almost had a heart attack wen sh saw it. she was rly scared she coulda killed me right there lol. that shows how much she loves me tho lol. o ya, and a hint of advice 4 ne1 thats emo here:u no how there's a metal part on most hairties? well dont take it and snap it against ur wrists. i did it, and i sat and did it 4 a while in school, and it bruised badly. i had busted several blood vessels underneath the skin. idk, i hate labeling myself, so i dont go and SAY im emo, cuz thats just short 4 emotional neway, but it'll rly earn u that title if u do this. cuz i made the mistake of wearing short sleeve that day, cuz even wen its nice out i wear long sleeves. out of random i chose 2 wear a short sleeve without puttin nething under it, so bad move. then every1 saw it and was like omg whatd u do? and my b/f is rly gettin scared and worried dbout me so i think ima stop and try to b the person i used 2 b for a bit. thats wut i want u 2 think about. and comment me if u've actually come to realize that at one time, u werent the way u r now, and if its that bad like the way ive changed, then think about it. which is better 4 u, the way u r now, or how u were. im not telling ne1 2 change, but just think about it. im only saying this b/c my friends love me. theyre scared 4 me, theyre gonna start tellin ppl about wut i do, but 2 help, not to make me ne more of an outcast than i already am. they love me. and im sure all of u have ppl that. there might not b alot of ppl, or there might b. but there's always gonna b at lteast one person out there who loves u, even by the slightest bit, and cherish that person. cherish the idea that sum1 cares about u. i do. and its taken me far.

“Ever has it been that love knows not it’s own depth until the hour of separation.”


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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wasuup?
Ungh...we have IQ test 2moro...this blows...but the good news is my bdday is on friday...WOOT WOOT!!! ummm...idk i cant think of much cept 4 ive been miserable and depressed and tired 4 the past 3 days and i need help...im emo. i need help and my friends said if i cuts myself again theyre tellin the guidance counseler at school. (duh duh duh duhhhhhhh)so gotta b good. ^^


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Sunday, April 22, 2007

.........


I dont think I'm that goodlooking, but I was bored so I thought I'd put a pic of me up...im in my softball uniform, and i have no makeup on so i look rly ugly lol sumtime i'll put a betta one up ^_^


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Saturday, April 21, 2007

I wish it was a never ending day ^^
Well, i went to the play last night. It was so much fun ^_^ But here's the thing. and i thought it was gonna ruin my day but it didnt. well, i got outta practice at 4:30 yesterday. and since i didnt feel like walking home and then walking back, i was gonna stay at the school until the play started and ended. i wasnt goin home that was 4 sure. but then i start thinkin, "oh crap, i gotta call brandon (the guy i like)" since we were supposed to go to the play 2gether. well i call him on my cell and then he starts goin on like, "well i feel sry 4 u that thing dont start til 7" then he tells his mom and she's like "omg im not lettin her stay there by herself for 3 hours!!! we're pickin her up!!!" he puts her on the fone and tells me she's pickin me up and its like, o hell. i told my parents i was gonna b at the skool all night. not at his house! ^^ lol. but it was actually pretty fun. except how he almost got me hit by a car. we were running in traffic lmao. but he literally drug me into his bedroom and it was ok at first, but then it out of nowhere reminded me of a bedtime story (dont ask) my friend wrote me. it was..."a storm raging outside his window. ur noth inside his bedroom. his uncomfortably small bedroom. neither of you want to sleep on the floor, but u dont want to sleep alone either. so u decide to share the bed. for what feels like hours u lie there, until ur eyes suddenly fly open. something brushes up against u. its him." except the whole story nearly replayed in my head. when i had read that 4 the first time i had cried. it was so real and as weird as it seems it felt like i was there. (yes, i kno, creepy...lol) we stood in his room 4 a little while, i was lookin at everything, then he drags we again and he's like "c'mon lets sit on the bed." so its like uhhhhh heheheeheee? l8r we went 4 a walk outside and i was afraid to cross the street cuz there was so much traffic so he held my hand and we ran across the street. ^_^ i was rly surprised he held my hand for some of the way wen we were walking. i was dancin in the road too. i thought it was funny cuz he's just sittin there like, "stop sum1's gonna start takin pictures" lol. im just thinkin, "fine!!! let em take pictures of my ass!!!!" lol. and the best part is, every so often id put my arms around him he'd actually grasp back and we'd walk like that. it was great. *damn, and i was plannin on givin up on liking him too. guess that's not happenin*

“And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”
~ Kahlil Gibran


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Friday, April 20, 2007

When you walk by me, you can tell I can't breathe
I might be going out tonight. A school function, it's not really going OUT, but its getting away from this house...and i could use some freash air. It's so beautiful out! ^_^ lol. Gotta go to softabll practice and then i might go to the play at skool. i think its called "kiss me kate" idk. im goin w/the guy that i like. IF he goes that is. i couldnt care less. lol. he's been gettin mad at me tho and gets rly rly pissed cuz ive been rly moody and miserable l8ly but he doesnt c it. im the one hiding bhind the smile tho, not tellin him wats wrong. but i dont slit my wrists or nuttin, but i cut the tops of my hands. i liketo think of it as, "the pain kills me inside, but it proves im alive." he gets rly worried that im gonna commit suicide and he gets scared so i promised him i wouldnt do it nemore...^_~

Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Rejection
Girl in the Dark gave me sum real good advice. ^_^ THANK YOU!!!! Well, right now I'm a little out of it so I dont know whether it was advice or a story I could relate to or not...but it still rly helped..^^ lol. I've been writing to relieve my stress. I'm trying not to take it out on my softball teamates, cuz the catcher is a total bitch and i can't stand her. if i slip up once she's throwin a freakin fit...I wanna beat the shit outta her so bad its not even funny. but then id get sent to the magestrate or w/e and get suspended or inschool or sumthin and then i wont b able to play. then she would get a law suit on me or sumthin. makes me wonder if i could beat the shit outta her though cuz she's so fat...lol. i will admit, i nvr was the skinniest person, hell, im not even that much of a skinny person, but i can STILL BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA HER!!!!!! lol. so here's the poem. i write them for him, not for nikki. Rejection..

These reoccuring silences are just too common now,
I wanna know just how you feel cuz you know I wander by,
You tell me what YOU wanna hear, just for your own sake,
But what you don't know is that I already have slipped the lip.
I let your little secret out, no doubt you'll hate me when,
You'll soon find out, for sure you will, cuz I'm bound to let more in,
You should've seen it coming though, you know that I am right,
You've seen this repeating pattern too, I'm not leaving you; blind.
I'm damn right amazed yet downright scared,
I can't take this chance of losing you to her now,
I don't wanna let you go now, we're bound to fall apart,
But you're too worried about what she thinks of you or whether she'll reject.
I've been the one, stressing all this time,
Having friends hating me even though that they're all wrong,
I'm not ever gonna get theese feelings back no matter how long I wait,
I have to give up, not hold on, for I will never have you.


Why do I let my eyeliner run?

Why do I let him win all the fights?

Why am I letting the pain consume and overcome me?


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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Teeheee
Well, i redid myo again...lol u like? ima keep postin my poems cuz theres always sum1 that likes them...lol. (amazingly) so wut's goin on l8ly. sry if i cant get around to all of ur sites l8ly, im kinda busy. i wanna get around to them but i cant...WAAAAAAAA ;-; this sucks im so so sry ppl...well tell me bout wut ur life is like, since right now myne sucks. the guy i like (my best friend) is plannin on askin this girl out and im scared that we're not gonna b close nemore and he'll 4get me. i sat and bawled to him on the phone over and i was so scared. i luv him...how can i let go?????
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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Plastic
This fake romance isn't working out,
There's no Romeo AND Juliet here,
It's one or the other,
You wonder why I don't think highly of you,
But you're wrong,
I think everything of you,
What more is there to ask?
I can't help it I love you,
Or that it's not me you want,
You shouldn't single me out like this,
It's not my fault,
She's prettier than I am, the perfect body,
It's insulting to compare me to her
Just for the reason, it insults her beauty,
It will always be a girl I can't compare to,
A girl that's better in every single way,
Someone that you'll always love more than me,
Your heart, it's so damn hollow it's unbearable,
If I could just show you, that it doesn't have to be,
Not just a friendship, or a love/hate relationship like what we have,
I want a LOVE relationship,
Not like this cheap plastic love,
That bends, then breaks, and falls apart,
I want a real love, and a real first kiss,
WITH YOU.
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Friday, April 13, 2007

Well, since ppl seemed to like my last one, read plz &comment
The simplest touch makes me shiver
That drive by glance makes me stress.
Thoughts are makin my skin crawl
Your voice makes my stomach flip.
She wrote me a bed time story
And oh hell good thing I didn't read
I had no clue she was sendin it
So I went to bed before she got to.
"A storm raging outside his window,
Neither of you want to sleep on the floor
But you don't want to be alone
So you decide to share the bed."
"For what feels like hours you lie there
Until suddenly your eyes fly open
As something brushes up against you"
My breath is then taken away.
"This is what you want,
Say you want me"
As I finally get back the breath,
"I want you" chokes out.
To some extent, it felt so real,
I could feel the heavy breathing,
The warmth of his body interlocked with mine,
The best feeling, too bad it's not true.

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