Monday, October 10, 2005

Ohmigod
Okay...I found this story on aff.net - it's totally hilarious. Oh, and it's written by Princess Lizzie

Author’s Notes: My cousin and I are simply not allowed to speak of HP anymore because this is what happens when we do. Hope you enjoy our randomness! FA & PL

Disclaimer: Not ours. Please don't sue us. And if you feel that you must, well, please just contact us and we'll gladly give you the pennies in our piggy banks, cuz it's all we have to give ya anyway!

Dinner was nearly over and Draco Malfoy decided it was time. He stood up and walked over to the foot of the Gryffindor table. His fellow seventh year Slytherins lined up on either side of him, the girls to his left and the boys to his right. Harry Potter was seated about halfway up the table, beside the Weaselette, his girlfriend. Draco forced his sneer off his face and nodded to his cronies.

They walked up the aisles and fanned out along the sides of the Gryffindor table. Draco pushed a first year off his stool and moved it to the end of the table. He stepped up onto it (the stool, not the first year), then onto the table. Pansy flicked her wand and the room went dark, with spotlights on him and the other Slytherin seventh years. Music started and Draco undid his robes, letting them fall to the floor. Nearly every jaw dropped as they took in the Slytherin Sex God’s outfit.

Lace up, platform, knee-high fuck-me boots, a red and black, plaid mini schoolgirl skirt, and a tight, black turtleneck belly-tee. He began to sing as he stalked seductively up the table, carefully avoiding the now-empty plates.

“Oh, baby dolls, I know you like me.” (“I know you like me.” Echoed the other Slytherins.) “I know you do.” (“I know you do.”)

“That’s why whenever I come around she’s all over you.” Draco pointed at Ginny as he sang those words, and a spotlight shone on her and Harry. Coincidentally, Ginny was clinging possessively to Harry’s arm.

”And I know you want it.” He continued approaching Harry. (“I know you want it.”) “It's easy to see.” (“It's easy to see.”) He reached Harry and turned to his right so he was facing the stunned brunette boy and not the Head Table. The other Slytherins, in similar outfits, were still singing backup as well as dancing in the aisles, though nearly every eye was on Draco. “And in the back of your mind, I know you should be home with me.”

With a glance at Ginny, he started singing the chorus, directly to Harry. “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” As he sang the lyrics, he ran his right hand down his chest and stomach.

Harry’s mouth fell open and Ginny gasped as the blonde continued. “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?” He arched his hips and back in a slow undulation as he did so. Harry turned bright red and Ginny nearly fell off her stool, so forceful was her gasp of indignation.

(“Don’t cha, don’t cha, baby.” The other Slytherins sang out, imitating Draco’s sexy movements as they did so.)

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?” Draco spun around in a full circle, his skirt flaring slightly as he did so. (He wondered dimly if he was imagining Granger trying to look up his skirt.) As he sang the words ‘fun like me’ he crouched down, bracing his right hand on the table between his legs, and giving Harry a full view up the front of his skirt, while still hiding his perfect arse from the Gryffindor scum behind him.

(“Don’t cha, don’t cha.”) As the Slytherin’s sang backup and imitated Draco’s down-to-the-ground move, Granger leaned so far over, in an attempt to see what sort of underwear Draco wore, that she fell off her stool and landed on the floor behind Harry. No one other then Draco and his minions noticed. As all of the Slytherins, Draco included, rose back up from their kneeling positions, Granger scrambled back onto her stool, muttering about “Neville winning due to a g-string”.

“I know I'm on your mind.” Draco sang those words with a smirk. “I know we'll have a good time. I'm your friend. I'm fun,” He stepped closer until he was standing directly over Harry, and then purred the next words. “And I'm fine.” He placed the heel of his boot on Ginny’s chest and kicked her just hard enough to send her to the floor, and away from Harry. “I ain’t lying.” He bent over and turned Harry’s face back to look at him and not the scandalized redhead on the floor. “Look at me, you ain’t blind.”

As Ginny got back into her seat (wisely not touching her boyfriend again), Draco dropped to his knees and leaned in, close enough to kiss Harry, repeating the previous lyrics. (“I know I'm on your mind. I know we'll have a good time. I'm your friend. I'm fun, and I'm fine. I ain’t lying. Look at me, you ain’t blind.”) At the repetition of the ‘and I’m fine’ part of the song, Draco got back to his feet and took a few careful steps back to the center of the table.

“See, I know she loves you.” Draco ignored the vigorously nodding Ginny and went on. (“I know she loves you.”) “I understand. (“I understand.”) I'd probably be just as crazy about you, if you were my own man.” Draco didn’t dance to this part (though the other Slytherins did), but the shock-value of his words was really all that was needed.

“Maybe next lifetime; (“Maybe next lifetime;”) Possibly.” (“Possibly.”) Draco bent over, this time not caring who-all saw his arse (which was, after all, perfect), and ran his finger lightly down Harry’s cheek. “Until then, oh friend, your secret is safe with me.” He stood up straight again.

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” Draco once again ran his hand down his chest and stomach. “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?” Again, Draco undulated, this time kneeling slightly as he did so and intentionally thrusting his hips in Harry’s face.

(“Don’t cha, don’t cha.”) “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?” Draco once again spun full-circle and crouched down, both hands braced between his knees so Harry couldn’t see up his skirt this time. (“Don’t cha, don’t cha.”) As the backup singers/dancers finished the song, Draco leaned in and kissed the tip of Harry’s nose.

As everyone stared, Draco got back to his feet and pulled a long-stemmed red-rose out of thin air. He handed it to Harry and, smirking, asked. “So, Harry...what do you say? Want to shag?”

At the Head Table, Severus Snape banged his head repeatedly on the table and groaned. ‘Why MY students? Why not the HUFFLEPOUFS? Or the RAVENBORES? Or even the GRYFFINDORKS? Why DRACO MALFOY to HARRY POTTER?!? WHY?!?’

The song in this chapter is “Don’t Cha” by the Pussycat Dolls. We didn’t write it, though we wish we did.

Snape doesn’t appreciate the insanity of this chapter, but we do! And that’s all that matters and we hope that you do too! Please R&R! ^.^

And, yes, there IS smut in the next chapter. You just don’t get it right now *evil grin*

Also, if you have a better suggestion for the title of this fic, please leave it in a review! ^.^

Tons of Love,
xoxox,
FA & PL
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