Thursday, July 1, 2004

¤|Im going to isolate myself from everyone..then I will become the Shinning Polaris....|¤
Im running away.Everyone around me is killing my soul....unintentionally......Ive allowed myself to become so voulnerable...that the scar tissue on my heart is raw,bleeding,rotting.But before I leave to envelope myself into the cucoon in which I will emerge from only to shine my brightest...there are some things I need to say.

Derek:I love you with all of my heart....All this indecision...all this confusion. I've stuck by you through all of it..and my intentions remain the same...weither you decide to break or heal,take or leave,smash or embrace my heart... I will be by your side ... until the end.

Kyrstin: You are my sister,my best friend.me and you have stuck by each other through all of this bullshit.Our friendship will never end.You are a sister to me and I love you with all of my heart.

Mom: .....I really dont know what to say to you...My whole life you've wrapped me up and made everyone in the family think I was this perfect straight A,cool daughter. and for what?...maybe it was because you thought that since the family didnt think very highly of you and since Nicki was a fuck up,you could make me out to be the perfect daughter so everyone would think you atleast did something right.I am not your toy! I am me,and i refuse to be what you want me to be anymore... You've forced me into so many damn things,cant you see...I just want to be myself!!!!..Ive stuck by you through ur whole career..but then again I never really had much of a choice now did i? You've sheilded me from the world...maybe you were afraid to lose me...but in doing that...You've made me push myself into hiding who I am..because of you I will never be able to show people who I trully am because Im afraid to break this damn reputation you set for me...I am my own person..and I really need you to just leave me alone..

Im breaking away..When I return do not expect the same Sarah..I will be different..I will be brighter... I will be free...and nothings going to stop me this time.Nothing.
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

   ¤||¤Be careful what you wish for¤||¤
Does no one listen to me?! Am I not saying it loud enough?! JUST GET AWAY FROM ME!!!! Your all killing me...I now understand what Marina ment.That one time I asked her why she just didnt leave...I UNDERSTAND YOU NOW!..god damnit...-falls to her knees-

When I say stop I mean stop.I shouldnt be questioned why,ITS MY BODY!... WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?!HUH?!...I can already feel my heart begining to harden and freeze over.And YOU did this...YOU DID...Because I was living in a fairy tale I made for myself.I was blinded..I was stupid; naive if that.But no more... If I am wanted then people are going to have to work.Because I have worked enough.

...
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Saturday, June 26, 2004

   ¤| I'm wandering in a wasuremono no mori |¤
Hm...So Chadys gone now -nods and sighs- Oh well...Guess I gotta keep movin forward,ne?The new people are cool I guess..they still arent Chad tho ^^;.He called me last night at like 10 pm lol..he was in Denver,Colorado.he should be in California soon.

Anyway...I've been noticing that Ive been spacing out alot. just listenin to music and staring at the clouds seems to be enough to knock me into my own little world ^^;.

Im worried about my mom..v.v..shes sick..and we know shes alergic to the dogs but urgh...shes too damn stubborn to give them up.I don't really blame her tho..cause since Tracys gone(Chads mom) she really has no one out here but the dogs.

I've been feeling really empty lately..no reason lol,Just empty.I can't even really explain it.I have huge peices of me all over the country now....And....My heart is starting to cry out again...I dont know if this is a good or bad thing...-sighs-
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

|¤Hope¤|
I woke up this morning just as I have the past fourteen years of my life,Wondering what life would have to offer today.Though I feared this day.Hated it if that.We go on living as though life means nothing to us.Like it's forced or something.Well...yeah life is forced.I mean, no one really gave you the choice to be born.But then again the choice WAS never really ours in the first place.In life we face pain and pleasure,triumph and disaster,love and hate.Yet some of us are blinded by the bad and have a hard time seeing the good.

I dreaded today for the simple fact that I would be alone.My best friend of seven years was leaving me today to move to California.Though I know it's not the end of our friendship,It broke my heart.I just can't stand the fact that I wont be able to walk across the street anymore.I can't stand the fact that Chad wont be there to hold me when I'm scared,Cry with me when I'm sad,Laugh with me when I'm happy. In my normal human nature I do wonder why God puts me through this.But the answer is simple.All living things must go through pain,for it is how we grow as people.We would know nothing if we spent our entire lives only seeing the good.But just the same,we would also know nothing if we saw only the bad.Life is a test and we must learn to balance both forces.Life is too short to be sad and depressed all the time.Every human being must also go through Change. Many fear that word and I did once too.In fact,I still do.Though change can be a tough and painful process, The outcome is beautiful.

I honestly don't know how to carry on the same life I have been living without Chad here with me.But,I will.I will keep living.I have to... I just have to keep living.... I refuse to be a pussy and die.I owe myself more then that.
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Sunday, June 20, 2004

   |¤Take me away¤|
ugh x.x and my good health goes out the window again o.o'...my mom says that me and her have whooping cough x_X that coughing disease thingy...o.o but I doubt it...its more common in infants <_< and we're no infants..but this site thingy I read said that it was getting more common in adults and adolesence...o_O but still..I dont wanna freak out over nothin..

Urgh..a few not so pleasent memories of my childhood were brought back today ... x.x ... though I have nothing against thrift stores o.o'... my mom and dad went out and i went with.it was my first time ever in there...x.x..I felt so..urgh..I onno...uncomfterble..It was on the other side of town...the so called "ghetto" of Joliet... seeing the people around there..it just brought be back to where I used to live....

Back in bensonville i lived in an all hispanic neigborhood.(once again x.x I have nothing against with the Hispanic community)me and my sister were harrassed constantly by the men... like..sexually and virbally..ugh..x.x..I cant even walk around the mall and see one or two of them walking by themselves and not feel uncomfterble..its just like..embeded into my brain x.x...and yeah..so going there today just kinda brought back bad memories.
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Friday, June 18, 2004

   [¤|Trance Music Is Still Alive|¤]
hmmm What to say today..I really dont know lol ^^;;Nothings really happend lately..but..ugh..Somethings going to happen in a few days..

Chad moves on wednsday..I..really dont like bringing this subject up...but even so..its not going to make it any easier to give him up in five days...I've just tried to put a mental barrier up...I havent wanted to come to the conclusion that my best friend since I moved to this god forsaken town is leaving me..That makes two..Soon..Mary and Yessi are probley gonna leave me..thats always how it seems to work with me..everything I care for gets taken away from me..-sighs- I really dont want Chad to go..I love him so much...I was inlove with Chad for a while..even though I got over it...I...dont think he did...that damn boy has spilled his heart to me so much..and I pushed him away...why?..Chad was the first one I met out here...He was on this huge dirt hill behind my house (granted it was still a skeleton because it was being built) me and Chad have grown up together...our parents want us to get married...but thats just for selfish reasons..and sorry..but Chads just alittle too girly for me XDDDDDDD god knows how many times we've missed the bus because it takes him so long to get ready in the morning...

me: damnit Chad! It takes me ten minutes to get ready for school..>.< AHHH and you've been up for two hours!

lol..well..ugh..First Jasmine leaves..the one person who kept me sane through that whole ordeal with my family last year...now Chad....I barely have Mary..and I feel like Yessis drifting too..Im just really scared.....Im so scared to be alone..... I want someone to love me..whos..not going to leave me....But then again....its only what I want..maybe I NEED to be alone..-shrugs-...I guess i was just ment to stay that way.
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Thursday, June 17, 2004

   ¤TaKe Me AwAy¤
I new emotion hit me today.I dont know how to describe it really..but I will try the best I can.

I thought I could stay single and be fine.I dont need a guy 24/7 to make me happy.But I have come to the conclusion that..I really miss the feeling of being loved.I'm not depressed or sad over it.-smiles and shrugs-..I just..miss it..ya know..-shakes her head- I dont know,maybe Im just being stupid....I miss hearing the words "I love you" ... I miss it all...relationships are a beautiful thing when you actually look at them.Even if its headed for disaster...You know that no matter what...weither it may end or stay forever...You will face it together..No matter what..always together.-laughs and scratches the back of her head-

Another new feeling ive met is..well....not so new lol.Its me..Sarahs back..Shes back ^_^ I feel so whole again.Like the Sarah I was a year ago.Before everything happend.Before I knew anything about the world or love.Though...Im sarah again with alittle more experience.lol..not so naive anymore either..though I never really was o_O well anyway.I'm trying my best to capture someones heart.And I wont back down..nope..not giving up anymore..not running away.Time to keep moving forward.Cant look back..Learn from the past,live for today,Hope for tomarow..
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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

   !!InVaSiOn Of PrIvAcY!!!
AHHH Im going insane >.< god damnit..My mom can be soooo annoying at times....She acts so Naive and thinks no one will see right through it...T___T...ugh Im not stupid ya know...then Im sitting here...trying to write in my journal and she tells me to type something up for her..-_- so I close all my programs and she says nvm..urgh..I just wanted today to be to myself.Just a day to take off of everything and relax..but no...Stella died this morning,Jenny(moms friend) came over.I only got two hours of sleep..Im flowing heavy on my period.Im horney as fuck and I want some chocolate T__T...damn i hate pms....
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   R.I.P Stella v.v...
Well....my doggie Stella passed away this morning..She was really sick..Im sad but..atleast shes not in pain anymore -nods-.

We talked to the vet a few days ago and they said we couldnt bring her in because we already owed them so much money..How dare they put on a price on a someones life...thats such bullshit...and I find it ironic how ten minutes after she dies...the vet calls saying they changed their minds and want to see her...My mom made the lady on the phone cry..she was screaming at her...ugh I hate doctors.

One of the saddest things is to sit there and have someone like my dad just break down and cry right infront of you...that alone makes you tear up..To know that someone that acts so tough and strong can become so weak and voulnerable.I guess that happens to us all though.my mom was still crying alittle while ago and I told her its ok to let go.because I dont think Stella would want us to be sad all the time.And as I like to think of it..I would just like to celebrate her life..not mourn her death.I miss her and love her.And Im glad shes not suffering anymore..
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Monday, June 14, 2004

   XDD

You're A Yaoi Boi (Gay Boy)!
Sensitive and caring, you just want some boyXboy
love! Is that too much to ask?


What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Whoo! n.n hehe Im a Yaoi boy XDDDDD
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