Sunday, April 4, 2004

Ok...
Ok...well...I guess it is time that I tell the truth about myself...I am going to try and spill as much of my soul as I can right now....Ok..So let me start at the begining.I warn you...this is going to be a long post...

At the start of summer...I had began going through the normal change everyone faces...the transition from middle school to highschool..But this year had been different..I absolutly hated the first two years of middle school.It was absolute hell...I had been made fun of my entire life over petty things like my hight. or even just my beleifs...lets just say I dont think like someone my age does...I have a very matured soul..even though I do not act it at times.But anyway..so eighth Grade came. it was my fifth school I had ever been to.. first Conrad Fisher back in Bensonville.then when I moved I went to Walkers grove,then river veiw.then I was off to Heritage grove for sixth and seventh..then Drauden point was built..and I attended there in eighth grade.That year had been different....my grades were encredable..I had alot of friends...and..I won something that was very important to me...my metal...for most outstanding choir member...Not that I hold myself above anyone because of it...its just...I was very proud of myself..My entire life all I have wanted to do was sing..and I was finally getting recognized for my talent..I even got a solo at graduation...When I sang onstage...eveything in the world was right..it is the most encredible feeling...to just get comepletly lost in the music....So summer hit..my parents and sister werent talking because of the huge argument they had right before my sister moved away....this was I believe the third time it happend..I really couldnt take it anymore...the talking behind backs..(I get pulled into the middle of alot of stuff in my family...and often have to deal with the backlash)So I decided to play peacemaker again...well they started talking and all that..I remember it was the fourth of July..my sister was painting her soon-to-be room again....she was going to move her things back..i remember the day my mom had asked me if it was ok that Nicki moved back in..of course I said yes....stupid me..I knew what was going to happen...she was going to be disrespectful..then a year will pass and on another holiday they'll get into a fight and she'll move away again...But I kept my mouth shut as always...in the past,everytime I have tried to have a say in a household argument..i have been silenced.So I kind of learned not to speak in situations like that...So my sister moves back in..Supposidly she was telling my mother "horror" storys of her friend Brandons living conditions.So..my mother in her normal nature,let Brandon move in one week and three days after Nicki moved back...he lived in our spare bedroom...at the time my mother was working on independent films in Chicago and soon went back to work at nancys resturant where we used to live..she complained so much about the town we lived in.and How she missed Chicago..and how the people at Nancys were her real family...Life at home had begun to turn to shit..my sister was driving me insane..not to mention Brandon was too..Brandon used to kick me out of my own frontroom to tell my mom about the night he had with his boyfriend(Yes brandon is gay..but it really doesnt matter)The two were driving me litterally insane...It kind of sucks having your role as the fourteen year old girl taken over by a 21 year old guy..so yea..I just learned to keep to myself..I had gotten into drawing and writting alot..I could get my anger out that way..of course..that was when I still thought suicide and self-mutilation was stupid....earlier in June,we had gone bankrupt...Being a middle class family in America sucked at the time...and having two 21 year old,dependent children move in..didnt help the money issue..it only made our bills skyrocket...so now we are really broke.I just couldnt take it anymore..My mother was never there...Nicki was driving me crazy..Brandon was driving me crazy...my dad..I dont know..I was sick of him bitching about my sister all the time..and the thing I was sick of most.was having to take up the role as wife and mother..."I am only fourteen.I shouldnt have to be a wife and a mother yet" I remember those words written into my diary oneday. I barely said anything to my mother..the one person I had been so close with.....and everytime I did..all she did was Bitch about Plainfield and brag about nancys..and talk about all the people at nancys..I despretly needed an escape..so..one day I decided to start chatting again..I had chatted online a few years back..it was fun so I decided to go on there...maybe someone on there would listen to me..when i went into the msn chatrooms..I saw one named YuYuHakusho...I instantly went in,considering I was a HUGE ASS YYH fan at the time..and i met alot of people..I quickly befriended many..and i had learned to rp...this was my escape..just pretending everything was fine...and living in the perfect rp world...I was so hooked on it..I was never offline unless i was sleeping or taking a shower..my parents had let my sisters boyfriend move in.....so now there was me,my mom,my dad,my sister,Brandon,and sean....too many people in this house..it was insane...But soon my mom got sick of Brandon and asked him to leave...my Rp life had been going great...though I had developed these strange pains inside of my chest..right inside of my heart..I didnt know what they were..and they scared me..cause when they came...it was as if the pain was going to engulf me...like i was bleeding on the inside..Like I was dieing...But i ignored them..the pain had somehow given my comfert against the cruelty of the real world..I began dating my rp husband...brad...He was my first love...and I will always love him no matter what...we had planned our life together and everything...I was even going to go visit him over summer break.and....I didnt tell him or anyone..But I was planing to give him my virginity.....He ment that much to me..I just wanted to give him everything....But that love soon started to fade as I made a new char...Kagome...the day I made her..was the day I met Inuyasha..Derek..I pulled the arrow out and saved him..Like I said..my love for Brad had began to fade.......as I met everyone On Kagomes side...Yoko,Inu,Elle,alyssa,vash....kay and Yukina I had already known as Keiko...I really dont know but I had developed a huge crush on Inu....then...we couldnt pay the cable bill and we were about to lose the house.so the cable was shut off in order to pay bankrupcy that month...for a month I sat in my room....I had nothing..no escape..the closest to it was the phone..where I called Kay(kyrstin) constantly.....Shes my best friend..and I will love her no matter what.When the cable finally got turned back on...it seemed as though everything had changed....no one was the same...and...I had let my rl emotions slip out onto the rp..I was becoming more out of character....and I was no loner close with Inuyasha..I guess that hurt alot..I liked him so much...yet it seemed as though I was fadding away from everyones heart..my feelings for Derek grew so strong I just couldnt take it anymore...I was sick of lieing to Brad...so...I asked him to give me space..that I needed to recollect myself...But that wasnt the whole truth.......derek was part of the reason..deep down I knew it could never happen...I just wasnt thought about in the same way....But I still did it....I was so afraid to confront him....so I stayed silent...oh..i guess I forgot...on new years day..my sister and sean left.Just as i predicted..my parents and them got into a fight..Nicki accused them of "never trying to make any kind of relationship with sean.but oh they were best buddies with her ex".......well..her Ex,Andrew..he is very close to both my parents and myself...he is like my older brother.....theres no way that we are going to break off our relationship just because they arent together anymore....and about the not trying thing....any guy knows how precious his daughters are to him....and letting a guy move in,whom hes only met ONCE.live in the same room as his daughter,and fuck her under his roof, Is an attempt to start a relationship in my eyes....well..my mother quit work..she is probley one of the most confusing people I know..one day she complains about plainfield..and was going to leave me and my dad so she can go be with her so called "real family"..and is on the phone constantly talking about the same damn thing over and over and over again.then she quits work saying that her realy home is here in plainfield and that we are her real family...I was already dead at the time....any emotions of happyness I showed in the real world were fake..I often found myself crying at night before I fell asleep....and no one knew..but the pains in my heart....grew worse.....But i refused to tell..I had developed into a somewhat masocist...loving the pain.......it helped me forget about my emotional problems...the day My sister left.was the day I tryed to take my life....my mom had screamed at me because I was crying..of course I was crying....my sister was running away..and I didnt even know If I would see her again.....and I was scared..because with her gone...I really had no one on the outside..I was all alone after that...so I went upstairs after being yelled at....and grabed the nearest sharp object I could find...it took forever to break the skin with the pin i found laying around...it burned like hell...after a few small traces of blood were formed up my arm..i wanted to go online..I needed my escape....i needed to get away..but as soon as my mother saw me..she said she never wanted to see me again and told me to go up into my room.....I let whatever hate that had possesed me take over..and I went into the bathroom..there had to be something sharp in there...all I could find was a razor..so...I took it to my wrist. and began to cut..slicing up and down my vein..just watching my blood flow out of the wound, and drip off of my fragile,tainted skin.I was going to do it...this time i was going to die..but something stopped me...I dont know what...I sat on my bed in the dark and in complete silence,staying in the same position(my knees to my chest with my arms resting around them) for three hours straight..........So to speed up to now....here I am...still broken....my feelings for someone still strong..Im trying to fight them...because I know that it will never happen..i just cant get them away..........My heart is so broken and scared it is afraid to let go...maybe I subconsiously think that if I let go of whatever love is left in my heart..i will never be able to love again......and no matter how many times I say that I am restarting fresh...I will never be happy...and I will never feel...until someone helps me out of this damned abyss I have crawled into..but that will never happen...because the person I am....was one that was never ment to be loved..in the way that I could love another.....
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