Sunday, August 27, 2006

   Yummy Pixels and studying the Diet of Worms

I changed my layout again. T.T It’s disgusting. I’m a chronic procrastinator in every area of life except making layouts. I refuse to get up from the computer until I finish and it takes hours or days. Anyway, I like it. It’s sweet (so sweet that it will give you cavities) and more interesting than my previous layouts. I’m sorry for those of you who can’t stand the color pink. ^_^ Aye, I’m so tired. I spent three hours reading half a chapter in my European History book and looking for science project ideas for chemistry class. I hate science projects. I’m sleepy. I don’t feel like going to school tomorrow. Anyway, a lot of stuff happened over the weekend. My therapist suggested changing schools. The only reason why I would agree to changing schools is because I wouldn’t have to spend an hour or more being driven to school by car. It won’t improve much else though. School is school and people are the same no matter where you go. My mom was seriously considering it though. Though the school that I’m currently attending is far from my house and I feel alienated there, there are also a lot of advantages. I’m always running away from my problems and it never helps. I bet that if I left no one would notice though. My mom dragged me around the college library with her and I looked at all the school supplies. She ended up selling her old Microbiology book that I bought on eBay for her and she used it to buy me a new wheeled backpack. Wheeled backpacks are definitely better than lugging a suitcase to school everyday and won't worsen back problems. :-p On Saturday my sister went to the emergency room. I felt sorry for her because she was in so much pain. The doctors and nurses ended up making things worse and she has to go back on Monday. She’s back to her old annoying and violent self now so I guess that it wasn’t too serious. My brain vomited in church today. Why do I have to have a super religious mother and grandmother and a secular dad? I think that the only reason why he doesn’t call himself an atheist in because my mom would want a divorce if he did. Anyway, I’m torn between two contradictory beliefs. For my mother and grandmother, religion is a source of strength, community and a bunch of other good stuff. For my father his secularism gives him freedom. I’m just confused. I get all the “don’t do this” and “you’re an evil person” without any of the strength, faith, or feelings belonging. I know that I’m a selfish and self-centered person but I don’t want to change. I don’t know what to do and it causes a lot of confusion. It’s very depressing and my brain won’t shut up. If I’m made to burn why don’t I just kill myself now and get it anyway? I’m typing this at the college library computer and the person sitting next to me is really gross.

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